submissive

Polarity

Dominant and submissive are not opposing forces. One cannot actively exist without the other, therefore they are two pieces of a whole.

This is who I am.

When it is absent, I feel incomplete. The pressure builds in my chest and it hurts to breathe… no, it hurts to exist. The pressure was a lot harder to live with when I was a sub — I still feel it, though, as a Domme. Every morning that I have to wake up and make my own coffee, I feel it. It isn’t that I mind making my own coffee, I’m very capable and it is not time consuming. When I scoop the coffee grinds into the filter and pour water into the coffeemaker, I know it means I’m missing an important part of myself and my life.

Sure, I’d label myself as a Domme even if I didn’t have a sub, but that’s all it would be — a label. And that is not enough for me.

The deeper I go, the more contrast there is between Domme and sub, the more balanced I feel, the more complete I am.

I admire those that can engage in a dynamic without emotional involvement, those that find fulfillment in casual play, and those that can be fed from either side of the slash. I, unfortunately, am not one of those people. Entering a fantasy or an illusion of the real thing, when I don’t have it truly active in my life, is (somewhat) like giving a crumb to a starving person, it doesn’t nourish them, it just intensifies the ache. It is salt on an open wound.

I need passionate commitment. I need depth. I need the other half.

Female and Male Subs

Miss D asked…

What is different about being a Domme to a male compared to a female?

Even though I have not had much luck with males (therefore, not qualified to make any real comparisons), I do have thoughts and ideas on the subject.

It seems like when I talk in absolutes, life has this way of pointing out how I was wrong, so I feel a need to clarify… there are always exceptions. Also, these are my thoughts and principles within a power exchange relationship, created with my life experience.

I tend to lean towards building girls up and breaking boys down.

Sometimes females are expected to be meek — you know, “Just sit there and look pretty,” type thinking. Most females are sexually harassed/assulted/abused in one form or another and we’re told to cover our bodies so men aren’t tempted. I can go on and on, but what it boils down to is that it breaks our spirit and it shuts out our power. I set out to build up my sub girl because she needs it, life took it from her and I want her to take it back full force. I want to make her see that she can do more and be more, and still be the slut she is. It makes me proud to have a girl with power. By doing this, her submission is also strengthened, which benefits me.

Sometimes males are expected to be stoic — “Don’t cry, be a man.” Don’t show emotions… better yet, just don’t have them… because that’s completely reasonable (enter sarcasm here). Society puts expectations on them to provide and go kill bears. Don’t play with dolls or wear pink, because that’s for girls, go build a house or throw a ball. I want to break down those walls and see who he is on the inside. I will have all the authority in our relationship. I want to see him cry. I want to taste those emotions he has been hiding from the world. I want to force him to face that side of himself, time and time again. I give him a safe place to be himself and I get to devour him. By doing this, he is bound to me.

We also have to consider the pecking order. No female of mine will ever be below a male of mine. I feel pretty strongly about keeping it this way, so odds are I will never have a boy or girl whom can not handle that. I believe I developed this principle through my experience with males. If she wants to treat him like a thing, be mean to him, get him in trouble, instruct him to do things, I’m fine with that (I actually prefer it that way), but he does not get to treat her in kind. I would also treat them differently, she gets to do things and enjoy things that he does not get to enjoy. Yes, it is unfair. I want it to be unfair.

Also, I have noticed, with my limited experience, some boys have a much harder time communicating. It takes a special kind of patience and wording to extract what you need to know.

I’m sure there are more thoughts and opinions eluding me…

I’d be interested in hearing what others have to say about this topic. Also, feel free to ask questions if I left you wondering anything.

Not Feelin’ It

Miss D asked…

How would you handle the following situation:
You’ve been considering a sub for awhile. You enjoy playing with them, you enjoy mentoring them, but the connection isn’t there to bring them on full time. They obviously want more from you.

First, you need to know something about me.

I’m stingy as hell when it comes to playing with people. When I get to the point of wanting to play with someone, I’m already invested. Sure, the level of investment might be low, and I might keep it low on purpose, but it is most definitely there. In other words, I don’t play if they’re not my sub.

If my sub wanted full-time and I wasn’t interested in that, I would figure out what I was willing to do, and tell them. They might not be able to do what you want, so you take the risk of the relationship ending, but that is far better than stringing it along, in my opinion. I like to be straight and feel it is better not to sugarcoat things. I’d avoid building false hope, unless, of course, I truly felt like we could be more in the future.

It is important to be upfront. It will be easier and better for you in the long run, and it allows the sub to keep looking for what they want.

Goals

Barney Rubble asked…

What are your goals? Are you building an empire?

Hell yes, I’m building an empire. I’m on target to take over the world. Currently looking for other amazing women to be the head of different regions and other various management positions. Also looking for live-in boys who will assist us while make the world a better place (quick note: room and board isn’t free, however, I do give bi-monthly pay based on the quality of their work). The foundation of home base has been laid and I’m working on the ground level. The raised platform in the main hall will be done soon — my throne will sit atop it, obviously. This is all taxing, hard work, as you can imagine. The workers (not slaves – because, remember, we pay them) get out of line from time-to-time, so I have to stay on top of them.

Aside from that, my short term, personal goals are to create more art, spend more time with my girl (and her head between my legs), and raise my two children who will one day be Queens of their own land. I also need a boy to be my personal assistant (because reasons). I’ve had my eye on a boy for awhile now… just have to wait and see what happens.

Dominance, submission, and Me

Miss D asked…

Do you ever feel submissive or have urges to submit anymore?

And collaredmichael asked…

When did you know you were dominant?

For those of you that do not know, I spent three years as a sub to my husband (whom is now my ex). It was a very rocky time in my life. I struggled in the darkest ways, but I also woke up from many years of merely existing and had experiences that made me feel good.

I responded sexually to being a sub, in a way that I never did in a vanilla setting. I don’t respond well, at all, in a vanilla setting. I thought being a sub was my place. In the end, it wasn’t what was best for me. It put me in an unhealthy mindset. Instead of empowering me and giving me a safe place, it brought the result of my trauma to the forefront and kept it there, making it worse. It crippled me.

Being a sub made me see my wounds, being a Domme has helped me heal them. I no longer have to fight the poison my dad passed down to me. I welcome it because its darkness makes me feel twisted and beautiful. (This makes me cry tears of peace.)

No, I do not feel submissive anymore and I have absolutely no desire to try it again. I get all I need and want from being a Domme.

Late 2016, I found out that my ex was interested in Femdom. By that time, I was a mess. I knew I couldn’t trust him enough to submit to him, which just about killed me. Being in control was better than having no D/s, so I stepped up. It was a shock to see how my body responded to topping him. I found myself literally dripping down my legs. *snort* And I thought I wouldn’t like it…

I have learned some pretty incredible lessons along the way and I am thankful for the experiences I’ve had, even the bad.

Continuing to Define My Domme Side

I continually try to pick myself apart. What do I like? Why do I like that? Why don’t I like that? How did that make me feel? Where the hell did this woman come from, I know I wasn’t her a year ago… or was she there, just dormant? What other facets are part of my whole?

I need to know these things!!

Aside from my sadistic tendencies, I’m pretty sure being in control is also a big one for me– it could be a bigger part than my sadistic side, I really don’t know at this point.

I like having things my way. I like making them my way. I want to be in control, damnit!!!!! Like, thinking about my sub having certain freedoms, kinda feels like someone sandpapering my brain. It is not cool. Thinking about controlling my sub, as little as telling them what name to address me as, kinda feels wearing and petting my fur collars, or slipping into a warm bath. It does good things for my brain.

In some cases, I have found it is extremely difficult to not let this side of me surface. I know that certain things need to be in place before control is turned up a notch (or turned on at all), and when it is turned up, other things need to be in place before it is turned up again. Nevertheless, not having control makes the Domme in me restless and, sometimes, quite upset. I’m not sure if it is my ego or if there is something else going on, I just know I don’t know how to process it, yet.

I feel like control is what makes D/s (or M/s) sustainable — sadism can only take it so far. But, I romanticize control so maybe my view is a little biased…