submission

I Stir with Desire

She stirs behind the curtain I have yet to pull back. She’ll have to keep waiting because I will not let her out until it is safe to do so. I hear her, I feel her in the stillness of the night.

I know what she wants. And she scares me.

It will not be easy for him. Physical pain. Mental pain. Preferably both. She’ll drag it out for everything she can get. She’ll build anticipation and watch him squirm. She’ll dig and dig until she gets what she wants. Fear in his eyes, body shaking with adrenaline, tears, whimpers of humiliation and grunts of pain… she’ll take it all. She’ll use his fears, his guilt, his fantasies… she’ll use it all.

She’ll break him.

And, one day, I’ll let her.

I’ll let her do it again, and again, and again. And I’ll put him back together every time.

I’ll let her because I love him and he loves me. I want the intimacy, she wants to feed, and together we will live. We’ll thrive with him.

When he says, “Please don’t,” I will hear his soul say, “I love you, I am yours, do whatever you want,” because I will own his soul. I’m selfish enough to take his soul, I’ll take better care of it than he ever will, so it all works out… right?

He won’t be able to fool me, but I’ll let him beg anyway, because it makes her tingle. She won’t worry about it being too much. She won’t feel sorry for him. She won’t want his pain to stop.

And that is scary.

Will she change me?

I know he can take it. I know he wants it. And I wouldn’t dare do it with someone that wouldn’t respond well to such treatment, because that’s not what she’s about, nor what I am about.

I melt at the though of what he will offer, and she sits behind the curtain stirring with pure desire.

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I am NOT a Natural

But, I do have a burning desire. And even in the absence of a D/s life, that fire continues to grow hotter and brighter.

Desire can’t be learned, but Dominance (and submission) can.

This realization is huge for me.

(Yes, yes, I hear you saying, “I’ve been telling you this for months.” I was listening, I just wasn’t ready to believe.)

I used to speak of submission pumping the poison out of my veins and filling them with life. It did do that but, without fail, the poison would always come flooding back and I would hate myself for it. Submission did not change my vanilla side, it didn’t inspire me to do great things or better myself.

Dominance also pumps life into my veins, but it does not push the poison out… because there is no poison. I will not take full control of someone until I can control myself and my life. I want them to fully trust me and, to get there, I need to trust myself first. So, I am working on these things. I will get there. I will do great things with my life.

Fuck being “natural” and ask yourself what you want. How bad do you want it and what are you willing to do in order to get there?

I’m going to do whatever it takes.

I am What I am

Since I have been blogging, I have written about the good and the bad — you know, share the journey, give something that people can relate to and perhaps feel better about myself along the way. I find myself in a place where I can write about neither good nor bad, so what the heck am I supposed to write about?! I am severely limited and it is driving me nuts. I do not like being limited.

Does anyone have any questions, ideas, or things to ponder?

Among the many things that swirl around in my mind, Dominance has popped up quite often. No surprise there, however the thoughts surrounding it are different.

When I came across D/s, my life changed. It woke me up, put color in my life and I finally found a way that I could enjoy sex. More than that, it gave sex importance, it put positive emotions with the act, and I can’t recall ever having that before D/s. Sex was always unimportant and if there was emotion, it was not positive.

This lifestyle gives me a place to thrive. I need it.

Even though submission is in me, I have given it up completely. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say never, but is very unlikely and if I do ever find myself wanting to submit, I will never submit to a man and it will only be as a bottom, not a sub.

So, you see, Dominance is important to me. It is important that I do it well, that I do it the smart way, the effective way, the way that weaves it into my life in a realistic and sustainable way. It is so much more than sex, it is a life.

I am becoming more sure of my place. This is my path. The only way I will fail is if I give up, and I am not giving up.

A Worry

I worry that I’m a fake. That I’m just trying to convince myself that I am Domme, that I can actually own someone the way I want to own them without letting them down.

If you knew the kind of sub I was, you might understand. Let’s just say it fit me well. Really well.

There is a part of me that believes I can make a damn good Domme — it’s just going to take a lot more effort because I’m not a natural.

I don’t know what else to say…

I just want to get these feelings out in the open where they can’t hold me down anymore.

Growth Hurts – in a bad way with a (hopefully) good outcome

I have been in this self-growth stage for a while now. To be honest, I’m tired of it. I am ready to be the person I want to be. Well, that’s not entirely true, if I was ready, I would be the person I want to be. The problem is, I don’t want to see how I let myself down, how I got myself in this mess, how I had it all wrong.

*sigh* But, I can’t change without looking at those things.

Taking on this new role has done so much for me. I want to talk about it, I have tried to write about it. I felt the best way to explain was to start with who I was before, so I started there. I wrote a whole post, then I listened to what I wrote. I heard it from an outside perspective. I do not like what I read. I do not want to share what I wrote.

I have shared a lot about myself on this blog and my last blog, but this… I reached some kind of limit as to how deep I’m willing to go within my broken parts. It is one thing to reflect on them by myself and a completely other thing to share them on the world wide web.

Maybe it isn’t as bad as I think.

It probably isn’t.

I can’t help but think, “What if I could help someone?”

I don’t know. Maybe one day, but today is not the day.

I can tell you that it will fuel me to be the Domme I want to be and I know I am worth more than what I once believed.

Punishment

I have written a little bit about punishment before, but it is a topic I really enjoy talking about, so here we are.

Does D/s (or any variation of) have to have punishment?

Yeah, I think it does.

Merriam-Webster defines punishment as…

1: the act of punishing

2 a : suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution

b : a penalty inflicted on an offender through judicial procedure

3: severe, rough, or disastrous treatment

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t disappointing your Dom-type a painful penalty of wrongdoing? Is it not suffering? When a sub is reprimanded, isn’t that a form of punishment?

If you ask me, yes.

This is part of what makes a sub strive to be better. If there was no guilt for doing wrong, I imagine nothing would change, they would not grow. If they are not reprimanded they don’t know they did something wrong.

I don’t see how D/s can work without that. I’d enjoy hearing from anyone who has a different view.

Personally, I LOVE the more active(?) type of punishments. Spanking, beating, denying, humiliating, given a tedious task, torture of any kind… oh there are so many ways and they are all so wonderful. Okay, maybe that is an exaggeration, there are probably one or two out there that I wouldn’t like to dish out. Nevertheless, it’s like being a kid in a candy store.

Punishing my sub is a way of showing I care. I want them to be the best they can be. I want our relationship to be the best it can be.

It is a way to move past the infraction. Not just for the sub, but for me as well. Guilt is a heavy burden for some sub-types to carry, how will they be able to be their best while carrying around all that weight? Well, they won’t, and I’m not down with that. If I am truly hurt or offended by something my sub does, how wonderful it will be to rid myself of that by “getting payback”!

I also think it will be great fun to put them in a situation that will end with me punishing them no matter what. You know, add a little spice to the day, just for fun.

And, not to mention, it is a HUGE turn on for me.

*dreamy sigh* I love punishments.