power exchange

Dominant Responsibility

I have written before about how I struggled with the responsibility aspect of being in a Dominant position. It was one of the few major problems I encountered in the beginning, that really hindered me. In fact, now that I’m writing about it, the other problems I had probably stemmed off it.

I believe it is a good thing for a Dominant to know the weight of responsibility — whether you play casually or not. What we do in the realm of BDSM is not a game. You can seriously hurt someone physically… you can kill them. Don’t get me started on how bad you can mess someone up mentally — death might actually be the better option, in some cases. The amount of people out there that do not think about what they are doing, they just do whatever with no regard, is fucking disconcerting and wrong. Honestly, it pisses me off.

I digress.

I’m not here to write about others, I want to talk about where I currently am with all of this.

I trust myself. Not in a sense that I can do all the things and not make mistakes, but in the sense that I am not fucking stupid and I know myself well enough that I know I will make the best decision I can, with the information I have, by actually thinking about outcomes and what is best overall for everyone involved. I’m also pretty good at seeing ways to improve and learn from my mistakes. To me, that is a key element in being a good Domme. I expect this from myself.

If I played casually, I wouldn’t need to think as deep as I do, nevertheless, I enjoy it. I enjoy reflection and deep thought. I enjoy forethought and seeing different paths I can take. It makes my brain feel good. I love how being in control gives me an outlet for creative and productive thought.

It took me a long time to be able to say I trust myself. I couldn’t trust someone else telling me that I was a good Domme, I needed to see it for myself. I knew I could learn to spank someone, I knew I could come up with rules and punishments, etc.. I needed to see that I could not only handle the responsibility, but that I could also thrive and enjoy having it. I needed to know I would make good decisions… I needed to see myself do it because I have made so many mistakes in my life and I didn’t want to fuck up more lives than I have already.

I am confident that I can keep my subs safe while feeding my sadistic side. I am confident that I can create the twisted, dark life I want, and sustain it. I feel safer letting my darkness out, and I have even reached a point where I have realized that I actually want and like my darkness for all that it is (and pretty excited to see how it evolves).

It feels really good to finally reach this point.

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Continuing to Define My Domme Side

I continually try to pick myself apart. What do I like? Why do I like that? Why don’t I like that? How did that make me feel? Where the hell did this woman come from, I know I wasn’t her a year ago… or was she there, just dormant? What other facets are part of my whole?

I need to know these things!!

Aside from my sadistic tendencies, I’m pretty sure being in control is also a big one for me– it could be a bigger part than my sadistic side, I really don’t know at this point.

I like having things my way. I like making them my way. I want to be in control, damnit!!!!! Like, thinking about my sub having certain freedoms, kinda feels like someone sandpapering my brain. It is not cool. Thinking about controlling my sub, as little as telling them what name to address me as, kinda feels wearing and petting my fur collars, or slipping into a warm bath. It does good things for my brain.

In some cases, I have found it is extremely difficult to not let this side of me surface. I know that certain things need to be in place before control is turned up a notch (or turned on at all), and when it is turned up, other things need to be in place before it is turned up again. Nevertheless, not having control makes the Domme in me restless and, sometimes, quite upset. I’m not sure if it is my ego or if there is something else going on, I just know I don’t know how to process it, yet.

I feel like control is what makes D/s (or M/s) sustainable — sadism can only take it so far. But, I romanticize control so maybe my view is a little biased…

Defining My Domme Side

I am reluctant to write about the darkness that lurks within me. Hell, it scares me, so how are you going to view it?!

I hate being misunderstood. Usually, if I am misunderstood, that means I have failed in communicating or I haven’t been given the opportunity to explain. Yet, sometimes, people just see what they want to see — they focus on a sentence or two and don’t see the rest. That is definitely not my fault, nor is it unavoidable.

I hope people see how my darkness and kindness intertwine and work together.


Before I let my darkness out, I need to know the other person consents to and knows what they are getting into. I need to know their limitations — I will hold back if I don’t have an idea of their boundaries and what D/s looks like to them. I will not feel safe engaging with someone that can’t give me anything to go off of.

Once I feel safe…

The darkness becomes my light, the curtain is pulled back and I am at ease and comfortable in my own skin. It is good to be me. Finally! I like being me.

And, I love being mean.

Don’t get me wrong, I like having the wooden, makeshift cane in my hand, the sound of the crop on skin, bondage, my strap-on around my hips, pulling on the chain that connects the nipple clamps. Oh, yes, those are fun things. But, what I really like, what really makes me smile, is mental torment. Any kind of mental angst will do, however, those that bring on humiliation, fear, and tears are quite delicious. Bondage and implements are just a means to get what I want, they are not the end all.

The only questions that run through my head when I am in this blissful state are, “What can I say to dig deeper?” and, “What can I do to get more reactions?”

Why in the world would I want my prey to feel comfortable?! That is no fun at all! I want to poke at their delicate soul. I don’t feel bad doing so, it is fun… and that, my readers, it what scares me the most. It is the reason I fear casual play, the reason I need to feel safe before I let my darkness out, the reason I am so picky about who I engage with. I need to know my sub will see my kindness through these acts.


“Run and cry and beg for me not to hurt you, little mouse. I will let you go far enough to give you hope, and laugh when that hope fades and you submit to your fate. Once I get my hands on you, keep crying, keep begging, or just let go, it doesn’t matter, I’ll get what I want. I will savor every minute of it, from start to end. When I’m full, I’ll put you away, nice and safe locked in your little cage, until I’m ready to go again.