new domme

Finding My Colors

I don’t want notches on my belt.

I want a soul.

I don’t want a store of jewels.

I want one or two priceless jewels to keep in my pocket.

That is what I am about.

Intense, all in, long-term, intimate, out of this world special.

Let’s go deep, and when we get there, I’ll take you deeper.

You can’t get there just playing around.

Maybe it was the way I came into D/s. Maybe it was the way I endured. I don’t know, but it is what sits in my bones.

I am obsessed with it.

I’ve done the “temporary” (vanilla) thing. It is emptiness that attempts to fill up lonely space.

But, here’s the thing, if that jewel was in my pocket, safe and sound, I would love to find a female sub to call my own — temporary with the possibility of taking that other spot in my pocket.

I can’t seem to make myself do it the other way around, or any other way, so it is what it is, and I’m good with that.

Advertisements

Dominant Responsibility

I did not step into the Domme role eagerly. I wavered, even after I knew how much it turned me on, even after I felt awesome (on the inside) for the first time in my life, even after I found passion in my heart.

I wavered because of the responsibility.

I can handle responsibility, I want the responsibility, but will I muck it all up?

That is what made me question myself. I will not be okay if I mess it up.

The are all kinds of subs out there, all offering something different… The kind of sub I want for my own, offers their all. I will take nothing less than their all because that’s how D/s works for me. With this comes greater responsibility, and greater reward. But, oh, the responsibility!

In this situation I will have the power to seriously screw my sub up. I could break them in a bad way. I could physically hurt them in a bad way. One wrong move… and I am responsible for what comes of it. And, no doubt, I will see it. I will not put the blame on them, I will not be able to ignore it, because I have not been given the luxury to do so, like some of the assholes out there.

Anxiety is building just thinking about it.

I know this comes from being hurt as a sub. I know what it feels like and I don’t ever want to make someone I love feel that way.

What I am beginning to realize is that… I will also have the power to bring out their best. I can do that because I will know how their submission works. I know that even when I make a mistake (I will make mistakes), they are in good hands and I will make it right, and I will better myself in the process. I trust myself to show how much I love them, how I appreciate what they give me and what I take from them.

I can trust my sadistic side to operate under my standards, as well.

I did not step into my Domme shoes on an impulse. Maybe it has been silly of me to think that I would be negligent or that my all wouldn’t be enough… Maybe it is time to loosen up a little… Maybe it is time I accept that I will be a good Domme…

I am NOT a Natural

But, I do have a burning desire. And even in the absence of a D/s life, that fire continues to grow hotter and brighter.

Desire can’t be learned, but Dominance (and submission) can.

This realization is huge for me.

(Yes, yes, I hear you saying, “I’ve been telling you this for months.” I was listening, I just wasn’t ready to believe.)

I used to speak of submission pumping the poison out of my veins and filling them with life. It did do that but, without fail, the poison would always come flooding back and I would hate myself for it. Submission did not change my vanilla side, it didn’t inspire me to do great things or better myself.

Dominance also pumps life into my veins, but it does not push the poison out… because there is no poison. I will not take full control of someone until I can control myself and my life. I want them to fully trust me and, to get there, I need to trust myself first. So, I am working on these things. I will get there. I will do great things with my life.

Fuck being “natural” and ask yourself what you want. How bad do you want it and what are you willing to do in order to get there?

I’m going to do whatever it takes.

Impatient

I am stuck in the present, fighting my past to become who I want to be. It is very uncomfortable and I just want it to be done. I want to be on the other side.

I went through this as a sub and I didn’t want to do it again, alas, here I am. *sigh*

I have not been happy with myself lately because I know I can be more. The future me is waiting impatiently behind the curtain for her time. I’d let her out if I knew how…

There is so much I have to overcome and so much that I’m up against…

I have been this other way for so long and I know it takes time to change, but, damnit, I want to be more right this second.

Thoughts About Blogging

I’m a little hesitant to write about the evil that lurks within me because of how it might be viewed. It’s not that I care how you view me, I care about the way I portray how I think and feel, if that makes sense. 

I enjoy reading blogs written by all types of people on all walks through BDSM. I especially enjoy deliciously evil Dommes in committed, long term relationships – there are so few in blogland (that I have found) – because I feel they get the most out of their relationships, and I want that. However, there is a lot lurking behind their words that isn’t always easy for readers to see. It is easy to see the evil and miss reasons. 

I don’t want you to miss my reason. I want you to see how I care and love through my evil. But, maybe that is a bit too ambitious? 

I also have noticed that I am not as open about my struggles as I was when I was a sub. I honestly can’t tell you why, but I think that needs to change. Dominants struggle and I am not an exception to that.

I am here to share my journey and have a place to express my feelings openly and honestly… somehow, I forgot that. 

Surprise and What I Did With It

I was in a horrible place when I last wrote in November. I was desperate for answers, not even answers, just… anything, ya’ know? Anything that would tell me something.

So I got on his iPad and opened up his tumblr account.

I’m not proud of my actions (he is definitely entitled to privacy), but I’m glad I did it.

(There, I said it. Moving on.)

What did I see?

Pictures of dominant women.

Lots of dominant women.

I was pissed and hurt — not about the pictures, ’cause let’s be honest, dominant women are hot. Had he been home (I wouldn’t have been on his iPad) I would have punched him, possibly in the balls.

I had a right to be hurt. Some of my suffering could have been avoided if he would have been honest with me. Do not misunderstand, I can sympathize with his situation. I cannot, however, sympathize with his choices. He didn’t have to spill all his beans, but he didn’t have to keep leading me on either.

And, besides that, I had asked him more than once over the last few years if he would like for us to be the other way around. He assured me, every time, that he wanted it the way it was — he wanted to be in control.

After talking it over with a friend and thoroughly overthinking it, I decided that I would go to him with an offer. An offer of switching or for me to be, you know, a Domme.

If you are a follower of my last blog, take your surprise, multiply it by 100 and that’s about where I was at.

The Talk

I sat down next to him on the couch, cuddled up to him, his arm wrapped around me and my head in the crook of his arm, and an hour later (possibly longer (ahem)) I managed to spit it out.

More than anything, I just wanted him to know that I was cool with it — that we could figure out a way together.

Inside I was a mess. I was doubtful I would be able to play the dominant. I didn’t want to, and I knew I would. It was better than having no D/s in my life. I needed it to happen. And if it was something he wanted…

At first, he was reluctant. I thought my head would explode (or I would rip his off) if he couldn’t admit that he was at least a little interested. I mean, it is completely understandable that he would be reluctant, but take into consideration where I was at in the moment as well.

I kept pressing, gently.

I kinda rambled on about how I wanted us to work and what we had been doing wasn’t working. When that didn’t seem to do any good, I closed my eyes and said, “It’s something I’m interested in.”

I felt him give a little. A ripple of relief…maybe?

I rambled some more, then after a stretch of silence I blurted out that I had been on his tumblr account.

He had a few questions about  when and why — he wasn’t mad (that came later). After I answered, he was quiet for a long time, then said, “Okay, we’ll try it for a month.”

And so it began.