femdom

Just Reflecting (and some things that turn me on)

Due to what turned me on as a submissive and the kind of submissive I ached to be in my day-to-day led me to believe I would not enjoy being a Dominant. I was so sure submission was my place. At first I used my submission to play the Dominant, not be the Dominant. I wanted a Master to serve and a collar around my neck.

But then I did… stuff.

I did some mean stuff. I had massages when I wanted them. I had him dry me off after a shower. I used him sexually. I spanked him.

And, as it turned out, I really enjoyed myself and so did my vagina.

One night, I found myself dressed in nothing but heels and a strap-on, bending him over the bed and fucking his ass. I assumed I would like it, but it ended up being more than a like. I was literally dripping down my legs. I remember thinking, “What the hell is going on down there?” I also remember thinking it would be better (for me) if he enjoyed it a little less.

So, yeah…

I don’t want to be submissive anymore, but I am glad I was one.

It is interesting, the ideas I have about the way D/s works have stayed the same. And the same things turn me on, just in a different way. It also shaped some beliefs of what I see as Dominant and submissive acts.

For example, I do not plan on giving another blow job and I will definitely not allow my (male) sub to cum on my body. (My hand, okay, but that’s where I draw the line.) I gave many blow jobs as a sub, not because I enjoyed them, but because I enjoyed pleasing him, which made it an act of submission. It was humiliating when he came on my body or face. Therefore, I cannot picture myself doing either as a Domme. However!, my vagina and I are totally okay with sticking my cock down his throat and having him cum on himself.

I also still want a group of three, except now I want two subs instead of being the bottom sub.

My opinions about punishment, chores, service, etc., have stayed the same. Although they might have evolved a little.

I want to treat my sub the way I wanted to be treated. Cruelly, like a thing… because I love them.

I expect the same things of my sub as I expected of myself as a sub — to obey and be pleasing.

I could go on and on.

It’s kinda neat how things have turned out.

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Impatient

I am stuck in the present, fighting my past to become who I want to be. It is very uncomfortable and I just want it to be done. I want to be on the other side.

I went through this as a sub and I didn’t want to do it again, alas, here I am. *sigh*

I have not been happy with myself lately because I know I can be more. The future me is waiting impatiently behind the curtain for her time. I’d let her out if I knew how…

There is so much I have to overcome and so much that I’m up against…

I have been this other way for so long and I know it takes time to change, but, damnit, I want to be more right this second.

Feeling Pretty Awesome

I was so nicely nominated twice for the Liebster. Thank you Scarlet and furcissy, I really appreciate the thought.

There are some rules that go along with this award – I’m supposed to answer questions and nominate people and ask them questions – but, I’m going to break the rules (Dommes can do that, right?), and just answer the questions I was asked…. ’cause that’s the part I enjoy.

Questions from furcissy

1. If you were a cartoon character, who would you be?

This is question is kicking my butt… Characters from cartoons my kids watch keep popping in my head, but I’m no ghoul or pony (although Rainbow Dash is pretty awesome). I’m not completely satisfied with my choice but, I’m gonna go with Elsa from Frozen. She hid an important part of herself to protect those around her and learned the hard way that it was better to embrace that side of her rather than stifle it. She is a queen. And, come on, she can magically make a house out of ice, how cool is that? I could also make furcissy his own personal snow flurry so he could wear his earmuffs all the time… I’m thoughtful like that.

2. If napalm in the morning smells like victory, what do you think defeat smells like?

Poop.

3. What did you want to be when you grew up?  Are you that now?

I wanted to be an artist or a veterinarian. Art is a hobby of mine, so, yes, I am an artist. I am not disappointed to say that I am not a veterinarian.

4. If you knew you were going to be stranded on a deserted island, aside from food/water, what are three things you couldn’t live without?

Easy. A solar powered communication device that works anywhere in the world so I can call someone to get my ass out of there, a slave, and enough coffee to last me until I was rescued.

5. If you were the owner of a magic wish-granting machine, who would you let use it?  Why?

No one, because wishes end up backfiring and I do believe there is a reason why things happen the way they do.

6. If someone said to you, “I am the alpha and omega,” how would you respond to them?

🙄

7. Do you think that dreams have meaning?<<
Definitely.

8. If you could start over with D/s (including your resetting mind’s and body’s responses), would you still choose the same role?  Why?<<
I would not change a thing, I am on this path for a reason.

9. Do you enjoy feeling naughty?  Is it better or worse than nice?<<<
Being naughty is fun! Hmmm, I guess it would depend on the situation and who I was being naughty or nice to.

10. Are you glad that you started blogging?  Why?<<<
Through blogging I found a voice I didn't know I had, I can look back to see how far I have come, I have learned so much and made connections that have impacted my life… I am so glad I started blogging.

Questions from Scarlet

1. How long have you been writing and how did you begin?<<<
I started my other blog a little over four years ago. I began because I was inspired by a writer to share my journey, the ups and downs and everything in between.

2. What is the thing you love most about D/s and the community?<<<
I love the way D/s makes me feel. When I am in its mist, life pushes the poison from my veins and I feel alive. I make sense this way.

I can't say I am involved in the community, as I only have few people I chat with online.

3. If cream is to coffee what milk is to chocolate, _______ is to you as what is to tea?<<<
Sugar.

4. What is your five year plan?*stressed look* I am still working on my one year plan.

5. If you could have any job in the world, money and education no object, what would you choose?<<<
Art. I would make beautiful things through art.

6. If you could right one “wrong” about the world we live in what would it be?<<<
Mental illness… they're bitches.

7. If I asked you to murder one person, no consequences, would you? And if so, who would it be?<<<
Yes, I would — no doubt, and no hesitation. My dad. (Feel free to judge, I probably would if I were you, but it is not without good reason.)

8. What ruined your generation?<<<
MySpace.

9. What is your biggest failure?<<<
My education.

10. What inspires you to blog?<<<
Readers, and I want to be heard.

Thanks again for nominating me. It was fun to answer the questions.

Liking It; The Struggle Is Real

When one first steps into the pool of BDSM it can be quite shocking to find out that you like things that are… well… not normal things that might be considered crazy. It just might turn out that you like a lot of those not-so-normal things and start to crave them, and that can feel pretty messed up.

When you’re new it takes time for those things to sink in. It takes time for you to accept that they are okay to like and they are not bad (as long as you like it and the one you’re doing it with likes it). And, eventually, those things don’t feel so fucked up… or they may still feel fucked up, but they make sense, in a weird, fucked up way.

Submission is soooooo hard in the beginning, but it might actually be a bit harder for new Dominants… or perhaps it is equally hard, and it is the types of hard that are different… nevertheless, it is hard.

I will just talk about “liking it” in this post.

We are taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. Hurting people is bad. Making fun of people is bad. Using people selfishly is bad. This does not mesh well with Dominance, at all.

Even I, who had a few years of submission under my belt, had trouble accepting that it is okay to like it. I know how submission works, I know why it works, I know what makes it thrive… I knew this, yet, I still felt guilty for doing it, for wanting it, for getting turned on by it, as a Dominant.

“I should not like these things,” ran through my head regularly. It is not easy to keep Dominating when you feel like it shouldn’t be okay.

I experienced a recoil, of sorts, often. I would do Dominant things and it was so wonderful in the moment. I would be stretched out in a good way, but then afterwards, I would start to really think about what I had done and how much I liked it. I would start to feel really fucked up, that’s when I would recoil. Same thing happened to me as a sub, but this time, I was the Dominant doing the “dirty work.” And, if I stopped, it all stopped, and I did not want it to stop. There was no “just do what I’m told, push through.”

I hate to admit it, but I can remember many times, as a submissive, thinking, “Why is it so hard for him to xyz?” … “Why doesn’t he just xyz?”

Yeah, my bad.

So, how did I get past it?

Time.

Not giving up.

Figuring out that it is truly okay, as long as the one I’m doing it to, wants it.

And, the most important (in my eyes), a wonderful submissive (not my husband!) that encouraged my Dominance. He managed to give me a spot to build a foundation without pressuring me into it. He never made me feel like I was doing something wrong or that I needed to be more than what I was in that moment (I did want to be more, I still want to be more, but that’s another post). His acceptance of me allowed me to accept myself.

Side note: Kinda neat how that acceptance works both ways.

Thoughts About Blogging

I’m a little hesitant to write about the evil that lurks within me because of how it might be viewed. It’s not that I care how you view me, I care about the way I portray how I think and feel, if that makes sense. 

I enjoy reading blogs written by all types of people on all walks through BDSM. I especially enjoy deliciously evil Dommes in committed, long term relationships – there are so few in blogland (that I have found) – because I feel they get the most out of their relationships, and I want that. However, there is a lot lurking behind their words that isn’t always easy for readers to see. It is easy to see the evil and miss reasons. 

I don’t want you to miss my reason. I want you to see how I care and love through my evil. But, maybe that is a bit too ambitious? 

I also have noticed that I am not as open about my struggles as I was when I was a sub. I honestly can’t tell you why, but I think that needs to change. Dominants struggle and I am not an exception to that.

I am here to share my journey and have a place to express my feelings openly and honestly… somehow, I forgot that. 

What If…

I’ve been thinking along the same lines as my last post, wondering what if I had someone that was able and willing to give me everything I want… what would I do with that? What would I want? What kind of Domme would I be with someone willing to give me their all and allow me to take the rest?

These questions are not so easy to answer because I’m new and I’m really good at overthinking. I mean, what if this sub has physical limitations. Have they been through any traumatic experiences? Do they eat well and exercise? Are they a woman or a man? Do they like things in their bottom? What kind of goals do they have?… all important things to know! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

But, all the details aside, when you get to the bottom of it, I want the freedom to do want I want to do. 

Of course, I want the relationship to be healthy, safe, and consensual. I want them to thrive. I want them to love being mine.   

But, yeah, I want freedom. 

I want them to be open to trying new things. I want them to struggle and suffer. I want to see tears. I want to be mean. I want to be unfair. I want them to endure for me.

Deal Breakers

In order for me to have any kind of relationship a connection must come first. I’m not going to put any effort into someone I don’t get along with and I’m not going to invest in someone I don’t trust. If someone doesn’t meet those prerequisites, there’s no chance for it to go anywhere. 

I love anal play, nipple clamps, and bondage, but they are not deal breakers (though bondage is very close to that edge). The anal hook is still at the top of my favorites (especially because it will never go in my butt again). I love how versatile it is. I love how they look. I love when a submissive is scared of it. I love it, but it doesn’t have to be a thing. 

I love the idea of someone kneeling before me. It symbolizes respect, gratitude, and status. While I appreciate the strength it takes to kneel, I believe one should think it is a privilege to kneel before me (because I will not give that place to just anyone). The act makes me wet just thinking about it, but it’s not a deal breaker. 

I like orgasm control, humiliation, and all kinds of stuff, but I’m willing to work around those things because there’s more than one way to get a D/s feel. 

Nevertheless, there are things I’m not willing to live without. 

I expect obedience. I will always take into account someone’s boundaries and all that other stuff…I wouldn’t ask someone to obey in a way that they could not. 

I expect my sub to be pleasing. I will always take into account someone’s boundaries and all that other stuff…I wouldn’t ask someone to be pleasing in a way that they could not. 

I won’t do D/s without punishment. Period. However, I am flexible on the type of punishments. 

I will not turn off D/s. I am always the Dominant and they are the submissive, it doesn’t stop because we are not in the bedroom. 

This lifestyle is so important to me, I will not take any of it for granted. It gives me life. It is the only way I can enjoy sex. It is how I want to show my love. Anyone who doesn’t take it seriously, will be no sub of mine.