I Want a Puppet, Not Play

I didn’t find D/s through the BDSM community, I entered by way of blogs and my Dom was my husband of twelve years. I didn’t have to worry about predators and finding the right Dom. I didn’t have to build trust the same way people do with new partners. I haven’t had play partners (Dom or sub), therefore I have never had to follow the rules that go along with that. I have never been to a play party or anything other than a munch — and the only munch I’ve been to was this month, five years after finding D/s. What I’m trying to say is that my views were not formed by the scene. And now I’m (somewhat) stepping into it and I feel like I’m in a completely different world. Things are just not done the same way, and there are good reasons for it.

I completely understand the need for protecting new subs with a bunch of guidelines, spreading the word about what they should expect and what they should absolutely not put up with. There needs to be rules for play parties, dungeons, and all that. I also think new Dom/mes should be armed, as well. It is a crazy world out there to begin with, add BDSM and… you just need to be even more careful.

I think the BDSM scene will end up being a world I only visit. I can’t see myself submerging in it ’cause there’s this other world that is… my home. I am excited to meet kinky people, I am excited to learn, but when faced with play parters and such, I just can’t seem to get excited. It’s like… meh, that’s cool, but look over here! Look at this!

There’s a boi kneeling for me. I could pass over a million kneeling subs without a second glance, because they aren’t kneeling for me. This one doesn’t kneel because he is a sub, he kneels because he is my slave. He is there for me — to please me, obey me, endure for me. He is my puppet. He will be whatever I want him to be. My personal massage therapist, done. My sex toy, done. My crying, helpless bitch, done. We don’t negotiate, his limits are where I put them, I don’t need his consent because he is mine. It doesn’t end, the chains don’t disappear, we don’t part ways. He is mine, always.

That is what I am invested in. That’s what feeds me and calms my mind. I know there is a lot of surface I could scratch, but I want depth.


Finding My Colors

I don’t want notches on my belt.

I want a soul.

I don’t want a store of jewels.

I want one or two priceless jewels to keep in my pocket.

That is what I am about.

Intense, all in, long-term, intimate, out of this world special.

Let’s go deep, and when we get there, I’ll take you deeper.

You can’t get there just playing around.

Maybe it was the way I came into D/s. Maybe it was the way I endured. I don’t know, but it is what sits in my bones.

I am obsessed with it.

I’ve done the “temporary” (vanilla) thing. It is emptiness that attempts to fill up lonely space.

But, here’s the thing, if that jewel was in my pocket, safe and sound, I would love to find a female sub to call my own — temporary with the possibility of taking that other spot in my pocket.

I can’t seem to make myself do it the other way around, or any other way, so it is what it is, and I’m good with that.

I Stir with Desire

She stirs behind the curtain I have yet to pull back. She’ll have to keep waiting because I will not let her out until it is safe to do so. I hear her, I feel her in the stillness of the night.

I know what she wants. And she scares me.

It will not be easy for him. Physical pain. Mental pain. Preferably both. She’ll drag it out for everything she can get. She’ll build anticipation and watch him squirm. She’ll dig and dig until she gets what she wants. Fear in his eyes, body shaking with adrenaline, tears, whimpers of humiliation and grunts of pain… she’ll take it all. She’ll use his fears, his guilt, his fantasies… she’ll use it all.

She’ll break him.

And, one day, I’ll let her.

I’ll let her do it again, and again, and again. And I’ll put him back together every time.

I’ll let her because I love him and he loves me. I want the intimacy, she wants to feed, and together we will live. We’ll thrive with him.

When he says, “Please don’t,” I will hear his soul say, “I love you, I am yours, do whatever you want,” because I will own his soul. I’m selfish enough to take his soul, I’ll take better care of it than he ever will, so it all works out… right?

He won’t be able to fool me, but I’ll let him beg anyway, because it makes her tingle. She won’t worry about it being too much. She won’t feel sorry for him. She won’t want his pain to stop.

And that is scary.

Will she change me?

I know he can take it. I know he wants it. And I wouldn’t dare do it with someone that wouldn’t respond well to such treatment, because that’s not what she’s about, nor what I am about.

I melt at the though of what he will offer, and she sits behind the curtain stirring with pure desire.

I’m Getting Somewhere!

I’ve learned a little bit more about myself in these last few weeks. I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere, that I’m learning, that I have more answers, that I’m not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I mean, I still feel sorry for myself, but it is really good to have more going on than just that.

One of the bigger realizations I’ve had is how I view owning a sub. The mindset I take on — the responsibility and expectations in myself, and how I think the relationship should work. I didn’t even realize I went there until it dawned on me that “you are my sub” and “you are a sub I play with” are two totally different things.

It was one of those realizations that trickle down and help other things make sense. It was definitely something I needed to see, as it has helped me in my current situation.

By seeing what “you are my sub” means to me, I have been able to adjust my way of thinking to better fit where I am now. I’m still working on it, but it is coming together.

Mostly, I was unconsciously trying to be someone, to express feelings, to create something that can’t be, right now. (Cue feeling sorry for myself.) It freaking hurts, but it was more uncomfortable and (probably) damaging to stay in that mindset. Now I am able to step away from some of the expectations I had for myself (that I wasn’t able to meet) and try to figure out a different way.

I think this will end up being a very good thing.

Dominant Responsibility

I did not step into the Domme role eagerly. I wavered, even after I knew how much it turned me on, even after I felt awesome (on the inside) for the first time in my life, even after I found passion in my heart.

I wavered because of the responsibility.

I can handle responsibility, I want the responsibility, but will I muck it all up?

That is what made me question myself. I will not be okay if I mess it up.

The are all kinds of subs out there, all offering something different… The kind of sub I want for my own, offers their all. I will take nothing less than their all because that’s how D/s works for me. With this comes greater responsibility, and greater reward. But, oh, the responsibility!

In this situation I will have the power to seriously screw my sub up. I could break them in a bad way. I could physically hurt them in a bad way. One wrong move… and I am responsible for what comes of it. And, no doubt, I will see it. I will not put the blame on them, I will not be able to ignore it, because I have not been given the luxury to do so, like some of the assholes out there.

Anxiety is building just thinking about it.

I know this comes from being hurt as a sub. I know what it feels like and I don’t ever want to make someone I love feel that way.

What I am beginning to realize is that… I will also have the power to bring out their best. I can do that because I will know how their submission works. I know that even when I make a mistake (I will make mistakes), they are in good hands and I will make it right, and I will better myself in the process. I trust myself to show how much I love them, how I appreciate what they give me and what I take from them.

I can trust my sadistic side to operate under my standards, as well.

I did not step into my Domme shoes on an impulse. Maybe it has been silly of me to think that I would be negligent or that my all wouldn’t be enough… Maybe it is time to loosen up a little… Maybe it is time I accept that I will be a good Domme…

I am NOT a Natural

But, I do have a burning desire. And even in the absence of a D/s life, that fire continues to grow hotter and brighter.

Desire can’t be learned, but Dominance (and submission) can.

This realization is huge for me.

(Yes, yes, I hear you saying, “I’ve been telling you this for months.” I was listening, I just wasn’t ready to believe.)

I used to speak of submission pumping the poison out of my veins and filling them with life. It did do that but, without fail, the poison would always come flooding back and I would hate myself for it. Submission did not change my vanilla side, it didn’t inspire me to do great things or better myself.

Dominance also pumps life into my veins, but it does not push the poison out… because there is no poison. I will not take full control of someone until I can control myself and my life. I want them to fully trust me and, to get there, I need to trust myself first. So, I am working on these things. I will get there. I will do great things with my life.

Fuck being “natural” and ask yourself what you want. How bad do you want it and what are you willing to do in order to get there?

I’m going to do whatever it takes.