dominant

A Safe Place

It is extremely important to me to be a safe place for those I call mine. I want them to have the space to be themselves around me — the good, bad, and kinks/fetishes. I am really good at accepting people because it makes me feel good, it builds me up. When I call someone mine, I want the whole package, right down to their soul. I want them to come to me with their problems and fears. I want to know what makes them smile during the day and what brings them happiness. I want them to feel safe being open and vulnerable with me. That is part of my package.

When I can’t be that, it somehow takes away from my dominance.

It helps me to feel needed.

I NEED to be needed.

Maybe, in a way, it makes it easier for me to accept my sadistic side? A fair trade, of sorts? Or maybe it isn’t that at all… maybe it simply gives me confidence and a foundation to stand on.

I was told I am abusive.

I was not a safe place for them.

I was also told that I am not a good friend.

All from the same person.

Being told I am abusive has really done a number on me. It has been a fear of mine since I realized I had a sadistic side. I like being mean… I love being mean. And, because that darkness resides in me, I fear coming off as abusive in an unhealthy way.

I will not be my dad.

So, I broke it off with them.

It was a short lived relationship.

I tried.

I really tried.

And, I failed.

It was a learning experience, so at least there’s that.

I am incredibly thankful for the people in my life that assured me of what I am and what I am not. I have a feeling I would have had a much harder time, if it wasn’t for them.

(For those who are wondering, I still have the girl I mentioned here and the boy I wrote about here–they are two of the people that helped me through this mess.)

Coffee is Definitely a Thing

The heavens shined down on me yesterday morning and I feel it is noteworthy.

She made me coffee.

That, in and of itself, was a fantasy come true.

I was delightfully surprised and amused when she became nervous after given the task. It was cute.

I honestly don’t know which was better, her nerves or having her make my coffee and bring it to me in bed.

And, ya’ know, seeing her walk to my kitchen with no clothes on, wasn’t horrible either.

I believe the only thing that could surpass that, is if she stayed in bed with me while the boy had to make coffee.

Well…

Okay…

I can definitely think of other ways to enhance a moment such as that.

Who I was and Who I am

I remember getting my way (most of the time) when I was younger. Make no mistake, I was not a princess, my childhood was severely lacking where my needs were concerned, but I did get my way. I knew how to manipulate my mother from a really young age, and I used it. I probably manipulated others along the way, as well. I did not do it on purpose, I see now that it was a cry for help, instead of me being a bad child, like I once believed. 

This carried on throughout my teens. I did what I wanted and when I wanted to. I did not care about the repercussions of my actions — hell, I didn’t even think about the repercussions. I used boys and I let them use me. I did a lot of drugs. I did a lot of stupid things and I avoided good things, like school, because they made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. By fifteen, I had lived well beyond my years. As destructive as that may seem, it is how I survived the chaos in my mind.

I’m not proud of any of this.

As a result of my reflection of the choices I made as a youth, I stopped trusting myself. I stopped putting myself in certain situations–ones that I felt I wouldn’t make the right choice. I was determined to change, and change I did. Unfortunately, I lost myself in the process. I was a shadow living in a world of gray. It was safe for those around me and I was safe, as well.

Fast forward to today, I am finding myself again. I am learning to trust myself and it feels really good. I have standards for myself. I will do right by the people I care about. More importantly, if I don’t do right (and I see it or it is pointed out to me), I will own it. I will continue to better myself. I will do my best and, from what I’ve seen in my lifetime, my best is a lot better than most peoples good. That has to count for something.

I know the type of Domme I want to be and I know I am more than capable.

I am starting to see I am worth following. I am worth it not because of the title, but because of who I am