dominant

Continuing to Define My Domme Side

I continually try to pick myself apart. What do I like? Why do I like that? Why don’t I like that? How did that make me feel? Where the hell did this woman come from, I know I wasn’t her a year ago… or was she there, just dormant? What other facets are part of my whole?

I need to know these things!!

Aside from my sadistic tendencies, I’m pretty sure being in control is also a big one for me– it could be a bigger part than my sadistic side, I really don’t know at this point.

I like having things my way. I like making them my way. I want to be in control, damnit!!!!! Like, thinking about my sub having certain freedoms, kinda feels like someone sandpapering my brain. It is not cool. Thinking about controlling my sub, as little as telling them what name to address me as, kinda feels wearing and petting my fur collars, or slipping into a warm bath. It does good things for my brain.

In some cases, I have found it is extremely difficult to not let this side of me surface. I know that certain things need to be in place before control is turned up a notch (or turned on at all), and when it is turned up, other things need to be in place before it is turned up again. Nevertheless, not having control makes the Domme in me restless and, sometimes, quite upset. I’m not sure if it is my ego or if there is something else going on, I just know I don’t know how to process it, yet.

I feel like control is what makes D/s (or M/s) sustainable — sadism can only take it so far. But, I romanticize control so maybe my view is a little biased…

Advertisements

Let’s Get Something Straight

I love being a Dominant.

Having control over someone and using that control, arouses me and pumps life into my veins.

I like using whatever I can as a means to further my experience and make my sub feel submissive. I will definitely do things (kink, D/s related, as well as vanilla) that my sub enjoys doing, that doesn’t make me less dominant. I use the tools that work for those involved.

I classify myself as Femdom, because I am a kinky, female dominant.

If I have to give my sub a look, reprimand them, or punish them to get them back in line (feel free to read as: feel more submissive), I will do that because it benefits both of us and I have fun with it. If I have to do this, it doesn’t fucking mean that my sub is incompetent in any way (I would not allow someone that is incompetent a spot at my feet), it means they need a little motivation and/or correction (to better benefit the relationship). News flash, we all need motivation at some point. I am happy to motivate people I care about, and I like using my Dominance to motivate my sub because I love being dominant.

None of this is a burden or something I feel like I have to do. I want it.

I enjoy being mean to people I care about, that have consented to that treatment. I like seeing fear and worry in their eyes. I like them to feel embarrassed. I like to hear them scream and moan, at my hand. I like to see them wiggle and squirm. I even like it when they try to get away from me — I find it amusing that they think they can get away or hide from me. I like it when they resist, because it gives me opportunity to use the power I have.

When my sub steps away from their wants and does what I want instead, I find that extremely romantic. It is difficult to put into words how much I appreciate that kind of submission. It gives great meaning to the act. Yes, on a deep level this is what the sub wants (if they don’t want it, I won’t push them), but it takes strength to get there. I do not take it for granted.

This, in part, is me.

A Safe Place

It is extremely important to me to be a safe place for those I call mine. I want them to have the space to be themselves around me — the good, bad, and kinks/fetishes. I am really good at accepting people because it makes me feel good, it builds me up. When I call someone mine, I want the whole package, right down to their soul. I want them to come to me with their problems and fears. I want to know what makes them smile during the day and what brings them happiness. I want them to feel safe being open and vulnerable with me. That is part of my package.

When I can’t be that, it somehow takes away from my dominance.

It helps me to feel needed.

I NEED to be needed.

Maybe, in a way, it makes it easier for me to accept my sadistic side? A fair trade, of sorts? Or maybe it isn’t that at all… maybe it simply gives me confidence and a foundation to stand on.

I was told I am abusive.

I was not a safe place for them.

I was also told that I am not a good friend.

All from the same person.

Being told I am abusive has really done a number on me. It has been a fear of mine since I realized I had a sadistic side. I like being mean… I love being mean. And, because that darkness resides in me, I fear coming off as abusive in an unhealthy way.

I will not be my dad.

So, I broke it off with them.

It was a short lived relationship.

I tried.

I really tried.

And, I failed.

It was a learning experience, so at least there’s that.

I am incredibly thankful for the people in my life that assured me of what I am and what I am not. I have a feeling I would have had a much harder time, if it wasn’t for them.

(For those who are wondering, I still have the girl I mentioned here and the boy I wrote about here–they are two of the people that helped me through this mess.)

Coffee is Definitely a Thing

The heavens shined down on me yesterday morning and I feel it is noteworthy.

She made me coffee.

That, in and of itself, was a fantasy come true.

I was delightfully surprised and amused when she became nervous after given the task. It was cute.

I honestly don’t know which was better, her nerves or having her make my coffee and bring it to me in bed.

And, ya’ know, seeing her walk to my kitchen with no clothes on, wasn’t horrible either.

I believe the only thing that could surpass that, is if she stayed in bed with me while the boy had to make coffee.

Well…

Okay…

I can definitely think of other ways to enhance a moment such as that.

Who I was and Who I am

I remember getting my way (most of the time) when I was younger. Make no mistake, I was not a princess, my childhood was severely lacking where my needs were concerned, but I did get my way. I knew how to manipulate my mother from a really young age, and I used it. I probably manipulated others along the way, as well. I did not do it on purpose, I see now that it was a cry for help, instead of me being a bad child, like I once believed. 

This carried on throughout my teens. I did what I wanted and when I wanted to. I did not care about the repercussions of my actions — hell, I didn’t even think about the repercussions. I used boys and I let them use me. I did a lot of drugs. I did a lot of stupid things and I avoided good things, like school, because they made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. By fifteen, I had lived well beyond my years. As destructive as that may seem, it is how I survived the chaos in my mind.

I’m not proud of any of this.

As a result of my reflection of the choices I made as a youth, I stopped trusting myself. I stopped putting myself in certain situations–ones that I felt I wouldn’t make the right choice. I was determined to change, and change I did. Unfortunately, I lost myself in the process. I was a shadow living in a world of gray. It was safe for those around me and I was safe, as well.

Fast forward to today, I am finding myself again. I am learning to trust myself and it feels really good. I have standards for myself. I will do right by the people I care about. More importantly, if I don’t do right (and I see it or it is pointed out to me), I will own it. I will continue to better myself. I will do my best and, from what I’ve seen in my lifetime, my best is a lot better than most peoples good. That has to count for something.

I know the type of Domme I want to be and I know I am more than capable.

I am starting to see I am worth following. I am worth it not because of the title, but because of who I am