Finding My Colors

I don’t want notches on my belt.

I want a soul.

I don’t want a store of jewels.

I want one or two priceless jewels to keep in my pocket.

That is what I am about.

Intense, all in, long-term, intimate, out of this world special.

Let’s go deep, and when we get there, I’ll take you deeper.

You can’t get there just playing around.

Maybe it was the way I came into D/s. Maybe it was the way I endured. I don’t know, but it is what sits in my bones.

I am obsessed with it.

I’ve done the “temporary” (vanilla) thing. It is emptiness that attempts to fill up lonely space.

But, here’s the thing, if that jewel was in my pocket, safe and sound, I would love to find a female sub to call my own — temporary with the possibility of taking that other spot in my pocket.

I can’t seem to make myself do it the other way around, or any other way, so it is what it is, and I’m good with that.


Dominant Responsibility

I did not step into the Domme role eagerly. I wavered, even after I knew how much it turned me on, even after I felt awesome (on the inside) for the first time in my life, even after I found passion in my heart.

I wavered because of the responsibility.

I can handle responsibility, I want the responsibility, but will I muck it all up?

That is what made me question myself. I will not be okay if I mess it up.

The are all kinds of subs out there, all offering something different… The kind of sub I want for my own, offers their all. I will take nothing less than their all because that’s how D/s works for me. With this comes greater responsibility, and greater reward. But, oh, the responsibility!

In this situation I will have the power to seriously screw my sub up. I could break them in a bad way. I could physically hurt them in a bad way. One wrong move… and I am responsible for what comes of it. And, no doubt, I will see it. I will not put the blame on them, I will not be able to ignore it, because I have not been given the luxury to do so, like some of the assholes out there.

Anxiety is building just thinking about it.

I know this comes from being hurt as a sub. I know what it feels like and I don’t ever want to make someone I love feel that way.

What I am beginning to realize is that… I will also have the power to bring out their best. I can do that because I will know how their submission works. I know that even when I make a mistake (I will make mistakes), they are in good hands and I will make it right, and I will better myself in the process. I trust myself to show how much I love them, how I appreciate what they give me and what I take from them.

I can trust my sadistic side to operate under my standards, as well.

I did not step into my Domme shoes on an impulse. Maybe it has been silly of me to think that I would be negligent or that my all wouldn’t be enough… Maybe it is time to loosen up a little… Maybe it is time I accept that I will be a good Domme…

I am NOT a Natural

But, I do have a burning desire. And even in the absence of a D/s life, that fire continues to grow hotter and brighter.

Desire can’t be learned, but Dominance (and submission) can.

This realization is huge for me.

(Yes, yes, I hear you saying, “I’ve been telling you this for months.” I was listening, I just wasn’t ready to believe.)

I used to speak of submission pumping the poison out of my veins and filling them with life. It did do that but, without fail, the poison would always come flooding back and I would hate myself for it. Submission did not change my vanilla side, it didn’t inspire me to do great things or better myself.

Dominance also pumps life into my veins, but it does not push the poison out… because there is no poison. I will not take full control of someone until I can control myself and my life. I want them to fully trust me and, to get there, I need to trust myself first. So, I am working on these things. I will get there. I will do great things with my life.

Fuck being “natural” and ask yourself what you want. How bad do you want it and what are you willing to do in order to get there?

I’m going to do whatever it takes.

What Dominance Does For Me

Being Domme is great for a lot of reasons, some are more obvious – feeling power, massages, pampering, being adored, chaining someone up – but, for me, there’s more to it.

Back when I was Dominating my (soon-to-be) Ex, there was a moment. I was laying on my bed with his head between my legs and, for what might have been the first time in my life, I felt… “IT IS GOOD TO BE ME!” Now, this has little to do with what he was doing with his tongue and a lot more to do with how I was being treated. It was huge for me. I honestly can’t remember enjoying being me, before that moment. Of course, I had enjoyed moments in my life, I just never really liked being me. And that changed when I became Domme. Which also means that I get to be me. No conforming. No worrying about not being the perfect house wife. I am free to be me, I couldn’t do that through submission.

Something even more amazing … I have always had issues with sex because I was molested as a child. When someone would touch me sexually in certain ways, especially my breasts, it made me want to take a bath in boiling water. At its worse, I would be very depressed for days afterward. I am now in control of sex, if I don’t want to be touched, it won’t happen… or someone will get punished, or dismissed. Somehow, having this control has healed me.

I know when I get to live the lifestyle, the protocols, routines, punishments, etc., will bring order to the madness in my head. It is how I work within a relationship. The bonus is that I get highly aroused by the same.

And this isn’t even all of it!

I want to practice and strengthen my Dominant side because I love who I am and how I feel in this role.

“I Shouldn’t Have to…”

There are Doms and Dommes that feel “they shouldn’t have to… .” That they should just say, “Do this everyday,” and have it done everyday without checking to make sure “this” got done. They shouldn’t have to punish, or shouldn’t have to set a routine, or shouldn’t have to, you know, actually dominate their sub.

Now, I’m not going to tell any Dominant what to do with their sub, but I will say that by saying “I shouldn’t have to” anything, outside of something that caters directly to the dynamic, you are probably hurting your relationship, and your sub. You are better off saying, “I don’t want to.”

I’m telling you, that is so much easier for a sub to accept.

If you require something of your sub that they do not already enjoy doing, like washing the dishes for example. Yes, it is your job, as the Dominant, to make sure it gets done. Period. If you don’t want to tell them everyday to wash the dishes, give them a reason to wash the dishes, be it reward or punishment, and odds are those dishes are going to get done. After it becomes a habit, you won’t have to check up on it as often, or not at all.

It really isn’t complicated.

I also feel it is very important for the Dominant to enjoy what they do (or at the very least, the outcome of what they do) within their D/s relationship. Make it a game. Use the reward or punishment to your benefit. Have fun with it, for goodness sake.

If it isn’t fun, if you hate it and feel like you “shouldn’t have to,” then don’t do it, say you are not going to, and let it go.

I will add, this is my opinion and you don’t have to agree with me. I’m sure I left out some stuff I will later regret not saying. I am happy to hear what you think, even if you disagree.

Me, an Online Domme?

For a while now I have been thinking about finding an online sub. There are some elements I would enjoy, for sure, but more that leave me thinking that it isn’t for me.

I know the best way to find out is to try…. the thing is, I know it won’t work if I can’t go into it excited and actually wanting it.

It is hard for me to trust people. It is even harder for me to trust people online. If I give a sub a rule or instruction (online), how do I know they did what I told them to? I won’t know, I’d have to trust them. Or play along. I suck at playing along, especially with someone I don’t have an emotional attachment to.

There are also elements missing that I have a strong desire for. I want to see them. I want to see them at my feet. I want to see what they look like while in pain, the look in their eyes when they worry about what will be next, what their mouth does when I tease their body. I want to hear them. Oh, how I want to hear them! I want screams, and moans, and whimpers, and heavy breathing. I want to hear chains rattling and leather hitting skin. More than that, I want those effects to be done by my hand, not their own. I want to touch them.

I don’t have a lot of left over energy these days and I don’t know if I want that little bit of energy to go into an online sub. I think it would be better spent on something, or someone, I am passionate about.

In the end, an online sub won’t be able to give me what I need, so should I try? I feel like I should be jumping at the opportunity to express my Dominance, but, if I stay true to myself… at this point in time… I don’t want someone that can get me off, I want someone that can feed me.

Maybe I just need to see a different perspective… ???