dominance

Just Reflecting (and some things that turn me on)

Due to what turned me on as a submissive and the kind of submissive I ached to be in my day-to-day led me to believe I would not enjoy being a Dominant. I was so sure submission was my place. At first I used my submission to play the Dominant, not be the Dominant. I wanted a Master to serve and a collar around my neck.

But then I did… stuff.

I did some mean stuff. I had massages when I wanted them. I had him dry me off after a shower. I used him sexually. I spanked him.

And, as it turned out, I really enjoyed myself and so did my vagina.

One night, I found myself dressed in nothing but heels and a strap-on, bending him over the bed and fucking his ass. I assumed I would like it, but it ended up being more than a like. I was literally dripping down my legs. I remember thinking, “What the hell is going on down there?” I also remember thinking it would be better (for me) if he enjoyed it a little less.

So, yeah…

I don’t want to be submissive anymore, but I am glad I was one.

It is interesting, the ideas I have about the way D/s works have stayed the same. And the same things turn me on, just in a different way. It also shaped some beliefs of what I see as Dominant and submissive acts.

For example, I do not plan on giving another blow job and I will definitely not allow my (male) sub to cum on my body. (My hand, okay, but that’s where I draw the line.) I gave many blow jobs as a sub, not because I enjoyed them, but because I enjoyed pleasing him, which made it an act of submission. It was humiliating when he came on my body or face. Therefore, I cannot picture myself doing either as a Domme. However!, my vagina and I are totally okay with sticking my cock down his throat and having him cum on himself.

I also still want a group of three, except now I want two subs instead of being the bottom sub.

My opinions about punishment, chores, service, etc., have stayed the same. Although they might have evolved a little.

I want to treat my sub the way I wanted to be treated. Cruelly, like a thing… because I love them.

I expect the same things of my sub as I expected of myself as a sub — to obey and be pleasing.

I could go on and on.

It’s kinda neat how things have turned out.

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Liking It; The Struggle Is Real

When one first steps into the pool of BDSM it can be quite shocking to find out that you like things that are… well… not normal things that might be considered crazy. It just might turn out that you like a lot of those not-so-normal things and start to crave them, and that can feel pretty messed up.

When you’re new it takes time for those things to sink in. It takes time for you to accept that they are okay to like and they are not bad (as long as you like it and the one you’re doing it with likes it). And, eventually, those things don’t feel so fucked up… or they may still feel fucked up, but they make sense, in a weird, fucked up way.

Submission is soooooo hard in the beginning, but it might actually be a bit harder for new Dominants… or perhaps it is equally hard, and it is the types of hard that are different… nevertheless, it is hard.

I will just talk about “liking it” in this post.

We are taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. Hurting people is bad. Making fun of people is bad. Using people selfishly is bad. This does not mesh well with Dominance, at all.

Even I, who had a few years of submission under my belt, had trouble accepting that it is okay to like it. I know how submission works, I know why it works, I know what makes it thrive… I knew this, yet, I still felt guilty for doing it, for wanting it, for getting turned on by it, as a Dominant.

“I should not like these things,” ran through my head regularly. It is not easy to keep Dominating when you feel like it shouldn’t be okay.

I experienced a recoil, of sorts, often. I would do Dominant things and it was so wonderful in the moment. I would be stretched out in a good way, but then afterwards, I would start to really think about what I had done and how much I liked it. I would start to feel really fucked up, that’s when I would recoil. Same thing happened to me as a sub, but this time, I was the Dominant doing the “dirty work.” And, if I stopped, it all stopped, and I did not want it to stop. There was no “just do what I’m told, push through.”

I hate to admit it, but I can remember many times, as a submissive, thinking, “Why is it so hard for him to xyz?” … “Why doesn’t he just xyz?”

Yeah, my bad.

So, how did I get past it?

Time.

Not giving up.

Figuring out that it is truly okay, as long as the one I’m doing it to, wants it.

And, the most important (in my eyes), a wonderful submissive (not my husband!) that encouraged my Dominance. He managed to give me a spot to build a foundation without pressuring me into it. He never made me feel like I was doing something wrong or that I needed to be more than what I was in that moment (I did want to be more, I still want to be more, but that’s another post). His acceptance of me allowed me to accept myself.

Side note: Kinda neat how that acceptance works both ways.

What If…

I’ve been thinking along the same lines as my last post, wondering what if I had someone that was able and willing to give me everything I want… what would I do with that? What would I want? What kind of Domme would I be with someone willing to give me their all and allow me to take the rest?

These questions are not so easy to answer because I’m new and I’m really good at overthinking. I mean, what if this sub has physical limitations. Have they been through any traumatic experiences? Do they eat well and exercise? Are they a woman or a man? Do they like things in their bottom? What kind of goals do they have?… all important things to know! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

But, all the details aside, when you get to the bottom of it, I want the freedom to do want I want to do. 

Of course, I want the relationship to be healthy, safe, and consensual. I want them to thrive. I want them to love being mine.   

But, yeah, I want freedom. 

I want them to be open to trying new things. I want them to struggle and suffer. I want to see tears. I want to be mean. I want to be unfair. I want them to endure for me.

Why I Won’t Submit Again

I remember the wonderful parts of submission — what it felt like to lose myself inside another, floaty freedom that grounded my soul, a collar around my neck, the feeling of life pumping through my veins. 

Oh yes, I remember. 

So why not again? Why not ever? 

The simple explanation is, I don’t want to, but that doesn’t make for a very interesting post, does it? 

When my husband and I switched it didnt take that long for me to realize I would never be able to trust him with my submission again, which probably plays a part in how I feel about it today. I learned that I couldn’t trust the man I had been with for 16 years, and if I couldn’t trust him, who can I trust (with my submission)? But, what if I did happen upon someone I could trust? I mean, crazier things have happened. 

The thing is, I can’t think of one good reason why I should submit. 

Why would I kneel, when I can stand, or sit, or lay in my comfy bed? Why would I let someone hurt me, when someone would hurt for me? Why in the hell would I wash dishes or clean toilets if I don’t have to? Why give up power, when I can have more?

When I was a sub, I didn’t think I would enjoy those other options. Hell, they weren’t even options at that point. Now, however, I know, and I no longer see what benefits submission has for me. 

I’ve also noticed that my brokenness doesn’t effect me in the same way. I guess you could say that I am mentally and sexually healthier. I am stronger this way. I am worth more this way. 

I do not want to go back. Being selfish is just too fucking awesome to give up.

Different Partner, Different Dominance

30 Days of Dominance

Day 16 – Have you found that your Dominance has changed with different partners or relationships? If you’re involved with, or have been involved with, partners of both sexes, has your Dominance changed based on gender or do you feel that it is dependent on the submissive as an individual?

There have only been two – my husband and B – and, yes, my Dominance was different with each, as it would be with anyone I took on.

I feel the best way to have control and gain power is to work with what you’re given in order to get what you want, not by forcing someone into a box because you really like how it looks. This works for me because I feed off emotions, not actions. I can’t tell you how I would dominate you until I know what you like, what you hate, what you desire, and who you are.

Take my last post for an example. It was a fantasy of mine and it definitely spoke to my vagina, but I wrote it with B in mind. Had I wrote it with my husband in mind, it would be a completely different fantasy, and it would still speak to my vagina.

So I guess you could say my Dominance stays the same below the surface, but comes out looking different.

And, just to be clear, that doesn’t mean I’m willing to dominate anyone and everyone — I have standards and limits just like everyone else.

A Morning Fantasy

I woke up feeling refreshed. I moaned and stretched reaching my arms above my head and arching my back. The pillow top mattress conformed to me and the fur blanket moved over my naked body.
A grin spread across my face as I reached for my vibrator. I was already wet. I held the toy between my legs and ran my hand over the fur, feeling my body under it. I quietly moaned as I enjoyed the senual feelings. The pressure built and my moans grew louder until I cried out in pleasure. I kept going. One wasn’t near enough. The next two orgasms left me feeling somewhat satisfied, and I was ready for coffee, so I pulled the blanket around me, eased out of bed and stepped into my slippers.
I made my way to the other side of the bedroom and stopped at the dresser where I picked up my phone and began to check my emails. I took a couple steps and sat down on the chaise. Even though there was nothing of importance in my email and I really did need coffee, I took my time enjoying the few extra minutes. When I was done, I put the phone back on the dresser and picked up a key.
I walked to the side of the bed and paused to soak in the view. Up against the wall was the cage where my slave waited inside, on all fours, for me to let it out. I giggled. The pink bunny tail anal plug was very amusing. (It is something slave hates so, naturally, I use it often. I love how it still makes me smile after all this time.)
I put the key in the lock and, before I twisted, I noticed that slave rocked forward a little bit and I assumed it was eager to be let out.
I pulled the key out.
“I just remembered that I need to tell Annie I will be at her party. I should do that right now before I forget.”
Of course I could have waited, but that would not have been as fun.
I walked back over to my phone and took my time typing the message and returning to the cage.
“Lovely morning, isn’t it, slave?” I asked while I started to unlock the door on the cage. “Did you sleep well?”
“No, Mistress. I…”
I interrupted slave with a laugh. “Aww, how sweet, you actually think I care.” I grinned and shook my head. “That’s 15 swats for being selfish. Now, get out and start the coffee, then you may use the bathroom.”
Slave crawled out and kissed my feet, then said, “Thank you, Mistress, for the lovely evening and morning.”
I patted the fur plug and said, “Go. I need coffee.”
I laughed as slave crawled out of the room. That bunny tail was just too perfect.

Evolving Dominance

30 Days of Dominance 

Day 15 – Has your Dominance evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you? What do you attribute this evolution (or lack of) to?

Evolving Dominance is a timely process that takes a foundation and allows it to develop. So in order for one to evolve there must first be a foundation and then practice. Therefore I cannot say that I have evolved, but I can say that dominance has settled in and I am working on a foundation.

When my husband and I switched, I did not believe I would enjoy it. I took that step because I wanted him to be happy and for us to have a life within D/s. It didn’t take long to figure out that my body responded (in a good way) to being dominant, which ended up pushing my mind in that direction, permanently.

It only took couple months to realize it wasn’t going to work for us. I was already spread thin by the way he treated me and neglected my submission, I was very sensitive to his reactions, he wasn’t willing to learn or change, and I can’t change the way I see D/s or what kind of dynamic I thrive in. Creating a foundation in that environment and with so little time is difficult, if not impossible.

Thankfully, I have B, who is very good at supporting and encouraging my dominance to grow (which isn’t a surprise considering how much it turns him on for a woman to belittle and torment him).

With my desire to be dominant, my passion for D/s, and B backing me up, I have mananged to find a ground on which I can build, despite what state my life is in.