I’ve learned a little bit more about myself in these last few weeks. I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere, that I’m learning, that I have more answers, that I’m not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
I mean, I still feel sorry for myself, but it is really good to have more going on than just that.
One of the bigger realizations I’ve had is how I view owning a sub. The mindset I take on — the responsibility and expectations in myself, and how I think the relationship should work. I didn’t even realize I went there until it dawned on me that “you are my sub” and “you are a sub I play with” are two totally different things.
It was one of those realizations that trickle down and help other things make sense. It was definitely something I needed to see, as it has helped me in my current situation.
By seeing what “you are my sub” means to me, I have been able to adjust my way of thinking to better fit where I am now. I’m still working on it, but it is coming together.
Mostly, I was unconsciously trying to be someone, to express feelings, to create something that can’t be, right now. (Cue feeling sorry for myself.) It freaking hurts, but it was more uncomfortable and (probably) damaging to stay in that mindset. Now I am able to step away from some of the expectations I had for myself (that I wasn’t able to meet) and try to figure out a different way.
I think this will end up being a very good thing.