I’m Getting Somewhere!

I’ve learned a little bit more about myself in these last few weeks. I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere, that I’m learning, that I have more answers, that I’m not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I mean, I still feel sorry for myself, but it is really good to have more going on than just that.

One of the bigger realizations I’ve had is how I view owning a sub. The mindset I take on — the responsibility and expectations in myself, and how I think the relationship should work. I didn’t even realize I went there until it dawned on me that “you are my sub” and “you are a sub I play with” are two totally different things.

It was one of those realizations that trickle down and help other things make sense. It was definitely something I needed to see, as it has helped me in my current situation.

By seeing what “you are my sub” means to me, I have been able to adjust my way of thinking to better fit where I am now. I’m still working on it, but it is coming together.

Mostly, I was unconsciously trying to be someone, to express feelings, to create something that can’t be, right now. (Cue feeling sorry for myself.) It freaking hurts, but it was more uncomfortable and (probably) damaging to stay in that mindset. Now I am able to step away from some of the expectations I had for myself (that I wasn’t able to meet) and try to figure out a different way.

I think this will end up being a very good thing.


I am NOT a Natural

But, I do have a burning desire. And even in the absence of a D/s life, that fire continues to grow hotter and brighter.

Desire can’t be learned, but Dominance (and submission) can.

This realization is huge for me.

(Yes, yes, I hear you saying, “I’ve been telling you this for months.” I was listening, I just wasn’t ready to believe.)

I used to speak of submission pumping the poison out of my veins and filling them with life. It did do that but, without fail, the poison would always come flooding back and I would hate myself for it. Submission did not change my vanilla side, it didn’t inspire me to do great things or better myself.

Dominance also pumps life into my veins, but it does not push the poison out… because there is no poison. I will not take full control of someone until I can control myself and my life. I want them to fully trust me and, to get there, I need to trust myself first. So, I am working on these things. I will get there. I will do great things with my life.

Fuck being “natural” and ask yourself what you want. How bad do you want it and what are you willing to do in order to get there?

I’m going to do whatever it takes.

What Dominance Does For Me

Being Domme is great for a lot of reasons, some are more obvious – feeling power, massages, pampering, being adored, chaining someone up – but, for me, there’s more to it.

Back when I was Dominating my (soon-to-be) Ex, there was a moment. I was laying on my bed with his head between my legs and, for what might have been the first time in my life, I felt… “IT IS GOOD TO BE ME!” Now, this has little to do with what he was doing with his tongue and a lot more to do with how I was being treated. It was huge for me. I honestly can’t remember enjoying being me, before that moment. Of course, I had enjoyed moments in my life, I just never really liked being me. And that changed when I became Domme. Which also means that I get to be me. No conforming. No worrying about not being the perfect house wife. I am free to be me, I couldn’t do that through submission.

Something even more amazing … I have always had issues with sex because I was molested as a child. When someone would touch me sexually in certain ways, especially my breasts, it made me want to take a bath in boiling water. At its worse, I would be very depressed for days afterward. I am now in control of sex, if I don’t want to be touched, it won’t happen… or someone will get punished, or dismissed. Somehow, having this control has healed me.

I know when I get to live the lifestyle, the protocols, routines, punishments, etc., will bring order to the madness in my head. It is how I work within a relationship. The bonus is that I get highly aroused by the same.

And this isn’t even all of it!

I want to practice and strengthen my Dominant side because I love who I am and how I feel in this role.

Me, an Online Domme?

For a while now I have been thinking about finding an online sub. There are some elements I would enjoy, for sure, but more that leave me thinking that it isn’t for me.

I know the best way to find out is to try…. the thing is, I know it won’t work if I can’t go into it excited and actually wanting it.

It is hard for me to trust people. It is even harder for me to trust people online. If I give a sub a rule or instruction (online), how do I know they did what I told them to? I won’t know, I’d have to trust them. Or play along. I suck at playing along, especially with someone I don’t have an emotional attachment to.

There are also elements missing that I have a strong desire for. I want to see them. I want to see them at my feet. I want to see what they look like while in pain, the look in their eyes when they worry about what will be next, what their mouth does when I tease their body. I want to hear them. Oh, how I want to hear them! I want screams, and moans, and whimpers, and heavy breathing. I want to hear chains rattling and leather hitting skin. More than that, I want those effects to be done by my hand, not their own. I want to touch them.

I don’t have a lot of left over energy these days and I don’t know if I want that little bit of energy to go into an online sub. I think it would be better spent on something, or someone, I am passionate about.

In the end, an online sub won’t be able to give me what I need, so should I try? I feel like I should be jumping at the opportunity to express my Dominance, but, if I stay true to myself… at this point in time… I don’t want someone that can get me off, I want someone that can feed me.

Maybe I just need to see a different perspective… ???

Submission and Me

I don’t know where my desire to submit went. It could be that it just wasn’t meant to be or perhaps I have buried it deep within myself. It is possible that it died with my love and respect for my husband. Nevertheless, I can’t find it, and I don’t want to find it.

I am reluctant to share my view on this because I don’t want you to think I believe submission is wrong or that I don’t appreciate it. I do appreciate it. I appreciate it even more now that I’m Domme. I ache to have a sub squirming before me. I need a sub in my life. Seriously, I am so tired of making my own coffee it’s not even funny. (Okay, maybe it is, just a little.)

I am not trying to talk anyone out of submission.

I do not want to endure anymore, I have endured enough. I deserve to have someone endure for me.

I do.

I deserve that.

My body has been used by men since I was 8 years old, and I am done.


My body is mine.

I want to be more than what my past taught me to be.

I have tried to be enough for people. It has never worked.

It is time for me to be enough for me. Too much or not enough, I am me, take me as I am or the door is over there.

I want to be pampered and treated like delicate treasure. I want to be treated softly, not roughly. I want pleasure, not pain.

Being bound, having a collar around my neck, or being on my knees… well… fuck that.

I want to be in control.

I want to know what it means to be adored, to be special, and to be someone’s everything.

Submission fit me, but Dominance improves me.

A Worry

I worry that I’m a fake. That I’m just trying to convince myself that I am Domme, that I can actually own someone the way I want to own them without letting them down.

If you knew the kind of sub I was, you might understand. Let’s just say it fit me well. Really well.

There is a part of me that believes I can make a damn good Domme — it’s just going to take a lot more effort because I’m not a natural.

I don’t know what else to say…

I just want to get these feelings out in the open where they can’t hold me down anymore.