bisexual domme

I’m Unique (Just Like Everyone Else)

I have overcome a lot in my life.

I didn’t have a good start. People have lived through worse, some have not. I was broken by the time I was nine years old and lived a full life by the time I was sixteen.

There are days when I feel so tired that dying sounds peaceful — I welcome it. Or I think about turning back to drugs. Or doing something, anything, self-destructive.

I fight to get out of bed. I fight to be present for my kids. I fight demons. I fight for those I love. I fight to break the cycle of my mother and father. I fight all – the – time. But, that is my life. I think I handle it quite well, all things considered.

I have made many bad decisions. I have hurt people. I know right from wrong because I have learned on my own, not because someone told me it was right or wrong. I own that shit and I learn(ed) from it, most of the time.

I have come to realize that I don’t see myself clearly — it has been, and will be, destructive on occasion. In other words, I’m prone to seeing my faults.

I have a hard time voicing when I’m in pain, it is far easier to mask it.

I don’t need a big house, a shiny new car, deep wallet, or expensive clothes to get attention or feel successful. I don’t have a need to prove I am the meanest Domme on the block, nicest, sexiest, or smartest. I am not any “est,” I am me. I don’t need a long resume of subs I’ve beaten to feel special, nor do I need to grab the best most prettiest sub and put them at my feet to feel important. (Note: I rarely falter in this area, but I do catch myself falling into the trap.)

Instead of festering jealously between women, I want to empower them to step into their own. Don’t be jealous of me or think I should be jealous of you… we are all beautiful and special, capable of doing amazing things, let’s help each other on our journeys. (I’m working on bettering myself in this area… quite a bit of room for improvement.)

I love wearing fur (huge, fluffy collars!), boots, heels, low cut shirts — I like wearing things that make me feel sexy and powerful. I’m fairly picky about style. My soul lives in the shadows and I like my attire to reflect that to some extent.

I draw, paint, and knit — not often enough.

I am spiritual. I am a witch. I practice my truth while listening and learning from other ideas.

I am sexually sadistic. It makes me wet when they cry. And scream. And tell me to stop. And hide their face in embarrassment.

I don’t do vanilla sex. It makes me cringe… like to the point that I want to bleach my brain.

I am bisexual and demisexual.

I have a hard time with positive reinforcement. I see how it works, but when it comes to D/s… I think it is boring.

There is a part of me that is incredibly selfish and controlling. It is a darkness that could manifest quite quickly, given the right circumstances. I actively keep her at bay for very good reason.

I want you to see how you are not like me, and love that you are not like me. Or, if you are like me in any way, be thankful to have someone to relate to. I want all of you to be proud of your differences and respect that this is who I am (in part), even if you don’t want to be anything like me.

If you don’t know what it is like to live a crappy childhood, be proud of that. If you like having ten submissives at your feet, be proud of that. If you find power and peace in kneeling at someone’s feet, be proud of that.

Be happy and respectful that others are on a journey that isn’t anything like yours. We are all on different walks. Yours is not better than mine and mine is not better than yours, they are merely different. Own you. Be you. Enjoy seeing others be successful in their lives, truly enjoy it without being jealous, because you know you can make great things happen on your path, just as they are doing. You have that power, use it.

I don’t give a shit what others have told you or what the voice inside your head tells you, you are beautiful and deserve love and good in your life.

Speak My Love Language, Dude

Sub girl and I had a conversation some time ago about love languages, more specifically, The 5 Love Languages written by Gary Chapman. I speculated what mine would be but never got to the point of researching it, however, a week ago I took the online quiz (found here) and wasn’t all that surprised to read my results.

First being my strongest language…

  • Acts of Service
  • Quality Time
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Physical Touch

Seeing these laid out in order, might prompt you to ask me, “But, Miss, why do you write post like this one, when all you have to do is call upon the number of boys practically (and sometimes literally) begging to do things for you and spend time with you?”

You wouldn’t be the first to ask that same question. In fact, I have had many people question why I don’t use these boys to my benefit. I could have a couple of fur coats, my yard mowed/driveway shoveled, feet massaged, sadistic urges met… you name it, it is only a text away – without a doubt. Aside from not feeling comfortable giving my address to just anyone (a very good reason), I can simply sum it up with, “That’s not what I want.”

But, the thing is, it is what I want. I have a deep desire to have a boy desperate to please me through various acts of service — be it pampering me, doing chores (because I shouldn’t have to), or serving as a toy to please my sadistic side. A boy that will strive to endure every single devious desire I have and want nothing more than to keep pleasing me.

Oh, yes, that is what I want for my girl and I.

Where I get hung up is… I don’t want that from just anyone. I want it to come from someone I love and trust. I want it to come from someone I connect with. I want it to come from someone who truly sees me. Because that is when my brain boners happen and magic happens in my panties.

So, yeah, I fall under the demisexual umbrella.

There are a couple local guys that are fun to be around, but, of course, I have my excuses. They travel too often, they don’t communicate, they don’t this, they don’t that. Truth is, I just don’t want them. I shouldn’t need to make excuses to myself or anyone else.

Digging a little deeper, it scares the shit out of me to open up to someone on that level. Maybe I’m just not ready to try… maybe I’m just waiting for something else…

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing… It does make life more challenging, though.

Female and Male Subs

Miss D asked…

What is different about being a Domme to a male compared to a female?

Even though I have not had much luck with males (therefore, not qualified to make any real comparisons), I do have thoughts and ideas on the subject.

It seems like when I talk in absolutes, life has this way of pointing out how I was wrong, so I feel a need to clarify… there are always exceptions. Also, these are my thoughts and principles within a power exchange relationship, created with my life experience.

I tend to lean towards building girls up and breaking boys down.

Sometimes females are expected to be meek — you know, “Just sit there and look pretty,” type thinking. Most females are sexually harassed/assulted/abused in one form or another and we’re told to cover our bodies so men aren’t tempted. I can go on and on, but what it boils down to is that it breaks our spirit and it shuts out our power. I set out to build up my sub girl because she needs it, life took it from her and I want her to take it back full force. I want to make her see that she can do more and be more, and still be the slut she is. It makes me proud to have a girl with power. By doing this, her submission is also strengthened, which benefits me.

Sometimes males are expected to be stoic — “Don’t cry, be a man.” Don’t show emotions… better yet, just don’t have them… because that’s completely reasonable (enter sarcasm here). Society puts expectations on them to provide and go kill bears. Don’t play with dolls or wear pink, because that’s for girls, go build a house or throw a ball. I want to break down those walls and see who he is on the inside. I will have all the authority in our relationship. I want to see him cry. I want to taste those emotions he has been hiding from the world. I want to force him to face that side of himself, time and time again. I give him a safe place to be himself and I get to devour him. By doing this, he is bound to me.

We also have to consider the pecking order. No female of mine will ever be below a male of mine. I feel pretty strongly about keeping it this way, so odds are I will never have a boy or girl whom can not handle that. I believe I developed this principle through my experience with males. If she wants to treat him like a thing, be mean to him, get him in trouble, instruct him to do things, I’m fine with that (I actually prefer it that way), but he does not get to treat her in kind. I would also treat them differently, she gets to do things and enjoy things that he does not get to enjoy. Yes, it is unfair. I want it to be unfair.

Also, I have noticed, with my limited experience, some boys have a much harder time communicating. It takes a special kind of patience and wording to extract what you need to know.

I’m sure there are more thoughts and opinions eluding me…

I’d be interested in hearing what others have to say about this topic. Also, feel free to ask questions if I left you wondering anything.

Goals

Barney Rubble asked…

What are your goals? Are you building an empire?

Hell yes, I’m building an empire. I’m on target to take over the world. Currently looking for other amazing women to be the head of different regions and other various management positions. Also looking for live-in boys who will assist us while make the world a better place (quick note: room and board isn’t free, however, I do give bi-monthly pay based on the quality of their work). The foundation of home base has been laid and I’m working on the ground level. The raised platform in the main hall will be done soon — my throne will sit atop it, obviously. This is all taxing, hard work, as you can imagine. The workers (not slaves – because, remember, we pay them) get out of line from time-to-time, so I have to stay on top of them.

Aside from that, my short term, personal goals are to create more art, spend more time with my girl (and her head between my legs), and raise my two children who will one day be Queens of their own land. I also need a boy to be my personal assistant (because reasons). I’ve had my eye on a boy for awhile now… just have to wait and see what happens.

Continuing to Define My Domme Side

I continually try to pick myself apart. What do I like? Why do I like that? Why don’t I like that? How did that make me feel? Where the hell did this woman come from, I know I wasn’t her a year ago… or was she there, just dormant? What other facets are part of my whole?

I need to know these things!!

Aside from my sadistic tendencies, I’m pretty sure being in control is also a big one for me– it could be a bigger part than my sadistic side, I really don’t know at this point.

I like having things my way. I like making them my way. I want to be in control, damnit!!!!! Like, thinking about my sub having certain freedoms, kinda feels like someone sandpapering my brain. It is not cool. Thinking about controlling my sub, as little as telling them what name to address me as, kinda feels wearing and petting my fur collars, or slipping into a warm bath. It does good things for my brain.

In some cases, I have found it is extremely difficult to not let this side of me surface. I know that certain things need to be in place before control is turned up a notch (or turned on at all), and when it is turned up, other things need to be in place before it is turned up again. Nevertheless, not having control makes the Domme in me restless and, sometimes, quite upset. I’m not sure if it is my ego or if there is something else going on, I just know I don’t know how to process it, yet.

I feel like control is what makes D/s (or M/s) sustainable — sadism can only take it so far. But, I romanticize control so maybe my view is a little biased…

Defining My Domme Side

I am reluctant to write about the darkness that lurks within me. Hell, it scares me, so how are you going to view it?!

I hate being misunderstood. Usually, if I am misunderstood, that means I have failed in communicating or I haven’t been given the opportunity to explain. Yet, sometimes, people just see what they want to see — they focus on a sentence or two and don’t see the rest. That is definitely not my fault, nor is it avoidable.

I hope people see how my darkness and kindness intertwine and work together.


Before I let my darkness out, I need to know the other person consents to and knows what they are getting into. I need to know their limitations — I will hold back if I don’t have an idea of their boundaries and what D/s looks like to them. I will not feel safe engaging with someone that can’t give me anything to go off of.

Once I feel safe…

The darkness becomes my light, the curtain is pulled back and I am at ease and comfortable in my own skin. It is good to be me. Finally! I like being me.

And, I love being mean.

Don’t get me wrong, I like having the wooden, makeshift cane in my hand, the sound of the crop on skin, bondage, my strap-on around my hips, pulling on the chain that connects the nipple clamps. Oh, yes, those are fun things. But, what I really like, what really makes me smile, is mental torment. Any kind of mental angst will do, however, those that bring on humiliation, fear, and tears are quite delicious. Bondage and implements are just a means to get what I want, they are not the end all.

The only questions that run through my head when I am in this blissful state are, “What can I say to dig deeper?” and, “What can I do to get more reactions?”

Why in the world would I want my prey to feel comfortable?! That is no fun at all! I want to poke at their delicate soul. I don’t feel bad doing so, it is fun… and that, my readers, it what scares me the most. It is the reason I fear casual play, the reason I need to feel safe before I let my darkness out, the reason I am so picky about who I engage with. I need to know my sub will see my kindness through these acts.


“Run and cry and beg for me not to hurt you, little mouse. I will let you go far enough to give you hope, and laugh when that hope fades and you submit to your fate. Once I get my hands on you, keep crying, keep begging, or just let go, it doesn’t matter, I’ll get what I want. I will savor every minute of it, from start to end. When I’m full, I’ll put you away, nice and safe locked in your little cage, until I’m ready to go again.