Finding My Colors

I don’t want notches on my belt.

I want a soul.

I don’t want a store of jewels.

I want one or two priceless jewels to keep in my pocket.

That is what I am about.

Intense, all in, long-term, intimate, out of this world special.

Let’s go deep, and when we get there, I’ll take you deeper.

You can’t get there just playing around.

Maybe it was the way I came into D/s. Maybe it was the way I endured. I don’t know, but it is what sits in my bones.

I am obsessed with it.

I’ve done the “temporary” (vanilla) thing. It is emptiness that attempts to fill up lonely space.

But, here’s the thing, if that jewel was in my pocket, safe and sound, I would love to find a female sub to call my own — temporary with the possibility of taking that other spot in my pocket.

I can’t seem to make myself do it the other way around, or any other way, so it is what it is, and I’m good with that.

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Gut Wound, Vomit, and Packed Bags

I have been struggling over the past couple of weeks. It started out as a minor cut, just a scrape really. Yesterday, it was like a gut wound. And I threw up. I hope that was the peak.

The amount of stress I have endured over the last year has taken its toll — I look in the mirror and I see a tired, old woman staring back at me. Of course I am emotionally unstable. I’ve done my best and, let me tell you, I know my best, while still messy, it could have been a lot worse. Thank goodness I have some common sense and ambition, eh?

So, the scrape turned gut wound…

I can deal with scrapes. I can deal with a lot more than a scrape, but when you add more to it like having to work from home while taking care of two kiddos (both ringing in your ear at the same time), a refrigerator leaking (I fixed it all by myself, btw), I had a thing going with a girl which was put on hold, and an ex-husband telling you he is moving out in two days (surprise! you get to sort through 17 years of accumulated stuff in two days, when we could have done it over a week or two if he hadn’t been such a douche). Feeling disconnected from myself and B… Seeing my kids hurt…

I wasn’t able to hold myself together.

I don’t have a lot to hold on to these days, and I deeply wish I could hold B… if even just metaphorically.

Am I better now? No, I am still a mess. I need rest. I need to connect. I need to rebuild. It will take time but this is the first step through a new door. Bags are packed. Goodbye to what was and hello to a life I will paint with the colors of my choice.

Messy thoughts

Control, obedience, punishment — I’m starting to see these as my needs. They ease my mind because I understand how they work, they make me feel Dominant and turn me on. Without them, I feel like I’m trying to navigate a world I don’t understand. Like I’m walking knee deep through mud in complete darkness, trying to find the freaking path.

Having the D/s structure present takes the jumbled mess in my mind and smooths out all nice and pretty. It makes relationships navigable and it gives meaning to sexual activity.

Right now, in the still of the night when I can’t sleep and the ache is suffocating, when I know I can’t have control, obedience, and punishment, I want more than anything to understand how it works without the structure. How do I do this? How do I express myself? How do I get the desired results for the relationship? How do I connect? How does it play out? How?!?! Because I want to do it!

Like, seriously, it makes me feel so messed up (and stupid) that I don’t understand. Like I’m missing half the puzzle. And I can’t find the pieces on my own because I’m walking through mud in complete darkness.

I feel lonely.

I am anxious and tired, which makes these things so much worse than they really are. I have been here, time and time again, and I know it will pass. Alas, that knowledge doesn’t seem to make it any less stressful or painful. These are my feelings and I feel like I need to get them out… so there they are. I’ll probably regret posting this later.

I Stir with Desire

She stirs behind the curtain I have yet to pull back. She’ll have to keep waiting because I will not let her out until it is safe to do so. I hear her, I feel her in the stillness of the night.

I know what she wants. And she scares me.

It will not be easy for him. Physical pain. Mental pain. Preferably both. She’ll drag it out for everything she can get. She’ll build anticipation and watch him squirm. She’ll dig and dig until she gets what she wants. Fear in his eyes, body shaking with adrenaline, tears, whimpers of humiliation and grunts of pain… she’ll take it all. She’ll use his fears, his guilt, his fantasies… she’ll use it all.

She’ll break him.

And, one day, I’ll let her.

I’ll let her do it again, and again, and again. And I’ll put him back together every time.

I’ll let her because I love him and he loves me. I want the intimacy, she wants to feed, and together we will live. We’ll thrive with him.

When he says, “Please don’t,” I will hear his soul say, “I love you, I am yours, do whatever you want,” because I will own his soul. I’m selfish enough to take his soul, I’ll take better care of it than he ever will, so it all works out… right?

He won’t be able to fool me, but I’ll let him beg anyway, because it makes her tingle. She won’t worry about it being too much. She won’t feel sorry for him. She won’t want his pain to stop.

And that is scary.

Will she change me?

I know he can take it. I know he wants it. And I wouldn’t dare do it with someone that wouldn’t respond well to such treatment, because that’s not what she’s about, nor what I am about.

I melt at the though of what he will offer, and she sits behind the curtain stirring with pure desire.

I’m Getting Somewhere!

I’ve learned a little bit more about myself in these last few weeks. I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere, that I’m learning, that I have more answers, that I’m not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I mean, I still feel sorry for myself, but it is really good to have more going on than just that.

One of the bigger realizations I’ve had is how I view owning a sub. The mindset I take on — the responsibility and expectations in myself, and how I think the relationship should work. I didn’t even realize I went there until it dawned on me that “you are my sub” and “you are a sub I play with” are two totally different things.

It was one of those realizations that trickle down and help other things make sense. It was definitely something I needed to see, as it has helped me in my current situation.

By seeing what “you are my sub” means to me, I have been able to adjust my way of thinking to better fit where I am now. I’m still working on it, but it is coming together.

Mostly, I was unconsciously trying to be someone, to express feelings, to create something that can’t be, right now. (Cue feeling sorry for myself.) It freaking hurts, but it was more uncomfortable and (probably) damaging to stay in that mindset. Now I am able to step away from some of the expectations I had for myself (that I wasn’t able to meet) and try to figure out a different way.

I think this will end up being a very good thing.

Dominant Responsibility

I did not step into the Domme role eagerly. I wavered, even after I knew how much it turned me on, even after I felt awesome (on the inside) for the first time in my life, even after I found passion in my heart.

I wavered because of the responsibility.

I can handle responsibility, I want the responsibility, but will I muck it all up?

That is what made me question myself. I will not be okay if I mess it up.

The are all kinds of subs out there, all offering something different… The kind of sub I want for my own, offers their all. I will take nothing less than their all because that’s how D/s works for me. With this comes greater responsibility, and greater reward. But, oh, the responsibility!

In this situation I will have the power to seriously screw my sub up. I could break them in a bad way. I could physically hurt them in a bad way. One wrong move… and I am responsible for what comes of it. And, no doubt, I will see it. I will not put the blame on them, I will not be able to ignore it, because I have not been given the luxury to do so, like some of the assholes out there.

Anxiety is building just thinking about it.

I know this comes from being hurt as a sub. I know what it feels like and I don’t ever want to make someone I love feel that way.

What I am beginning to realize is that… I will also have the power to bring out their best. I can do that because I will know how their submission works. I know that even when I make a mistake (I will make mistakes), they are in good hands and I will make it right, and I will better myself in the process. I trust myself to show how much I love them, how I appreciate what they give me and what I take from them.

I can trust my sadistic side to operate under my standards, as well.

I did not step into my Domme shoes on an impulse. Maybe it has been silly of me to think that I would be negligent or that my all wouldn’t be enough… Maybe it is time to loosen up a little… Maybe it is time I accept that I will be a good Domme…