Liking It; The Struggle Is Real

When one first steps into the pool of BDSM it can be quite shocking to find out that you like things that are… well… not normal things that might be considered crazy. It just might turn out that you like a lot of those not-so-normal things and start to crave them, and that can feel pretty messed up.

When you’re new it takes time for those things to sink in. It takes time for you to accept that they are okay to like and they are not bad (as long as you like it and the one you’re doing it with likes it). And, eventually, those things don’t feel so fucked up… or they may still feel fucked up, but they make sense, in a weird, fucked up way.

Submission is soooooo hard in the beginning, but it might actually be a bit harder for new Dominants… or perhaps it is equally hard, and it is the types of hard that are different… nevertheless, it is hard.

I will just talk about “liking it” in this post.

We are taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. Hurting people is bad. Making fun of people is bad. Using people selfishly is bad. This does not mesh well with Dominance, at all.

Even I, who had a few years of submission under my belt, had trouble accepting that it is okay to like it. I know how submission works, I know why it works, I know what makes it thrive… I knew this, yet, I still felt guilty for doing it, for wanting it, for getting turned on by it, as a Dominant.

“I should not like these things,” ran through my head regularly. It is not easy to keep Dominating when you feel like it shouldn’t be okay.

I experienced a recoil, of sorts, often. I would do Dominant things and it was so wonderful in the moment. I would be stretched out in a good way, but then afterwards, I would start to really think about what I had done and how much I liked it. I would start to feel really fucked up, that’s when I would recoil. Same thing happened to me as a sub, but this time, I was the Dominant doing the “dirty work.” And, if I stopped, it all stopped, and I did not want it to stop. There was no “just do what I’m told, push through.”

I hate to admit it, but I can remember many times, as a submissive, thinking, “Why is it so hard for him to xyz?” … “Why doesn’t he just xyz?”

Yeah, my bad.

So, how did I get past it?

Time.

Not giving up.

Figuring out that it is truly okay, as long as the one I’m doing it to, wants it.

And, the most important (in my eyes), a wonderful submissive (not my husband!) that encouraged my Dominance. He managed to give me a spot to build a foundation without pressuring me into it. He never made me feel like I was doing something wrong or that I needed to be more than what I was in that moment (I did want to be more, I still want to be more, but that’s another post). His acceptance of me allowed me to accept myself.

Side note: Kinda neat how that acceptance works both ways.

Advertisements

Thoughts About Blogging

I’m a little hesitant to write about the evil that lurks within me because of how it might be viewed. It’s not that I care how you view me, I care about the way I portray how I think and feel, if that makes sense. 

I enjoy reading blogs written by all types of people on all walks through BDSM. I especially enjoy deliciously evil Dommes in committed, long term relationships – there are so few in blogland (that I have found) – because I feel they get the most out of their relationships, and I want that. However, there is a lot lurking behind their words that isn’t always easy for readers to see. It is easy to see the evil and miss reasons. 

I don’t want you to miss my reason. I want you to see how I care and love through my evil. But, maybe that is a bit too ambitious? 

I also have noticed that I am not as open about my struggles as I was when I was a sub. I honestly can’t tell you why, but I think that needs to change. Dominants struggle and I am not an exception to that.

I am here to share my journey and have a place to express my feelings openly and honestly… somehow, I forgot that. 

What If…

I’ve been thinking along the same lines as my last post, wondering what if I had someone that was able and willing to give me everything I want… what would I do with that? What would I want? What kind of Domme would I be with someone willing to give me their all and allow me to take the rest?

These questions are not so easy to answer because I’m new and I’m really good at overthinking. I mean, what if this sub has physical limitations. Have they been through any traumatic experiences? Do they eat well and exercise? Are they a woman or a man? Do they like things in their bottom? What kind of goals do they have?… all important things to know! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

But, all the details aside, when you get to the bottom of it, I want the freedom to do want I want to do. 

Of course, I want the relationship to be healthy, safe, and consensual. I want them to thrive. I want them to love being mine.   

But, yeah, I want freedom. 

I want them to be open to trying new things. I want them to struggle and suffer. I want to see tears. I want to be mean. I want to be unfair. I want them to endure for me.

Deal Breakers

In order for me to have any kind of relationship a connection must come first. I’m not going to put any effort into someone I don’t get along with and I’m not going to invest in someone I don’t trust. If someone doesn’t meet those prerequisites, there’s no chance for it to go anywhere. 

I love anal play, nipple clamps, and bondage, but they are not deal breakers (though bondage is very close to that edge). The anal hook is still at the top of my favorites (especially because it will never go in my butt again). I love how versatile it is. I love how they look. I love when a submissive is scared of it. I love it, but it doesn’t have to be a thing. 

I love the idea of someone kneeling before me. It symbolizes respect, gratitude, and status. While I appreciate the strength it takes to kneel, I believe one should think it is a privilege to kneel before me (because I will not give that place to just anyone). The act makes me wet just thinking about it, but it’s not a deal breaker. 

I like orgasm control, humiliation, and all kinds of stuff, but I’m willing to work around those things because there’s more than one way to get a D/s feel. 

Nevertheless, there are things I’m not willing to live without. 

I expect obedience. I will always take into account someone’s boundaries and all that other stuff…I wouldn’t ask someone to obey in a way that they could not. 

I expect my sub to be pleasing. I will always take into account someone’s boundaries and all that other stuff…I wouldn’t ask someone to be pleasing in a way that they could not. 

I won’t do D/s without punishment. Period. However, I am flexible on the type of punishments. 

I will not turn off D/s. I am always the Dominant and they are the submissive, it doesn’t stop because we are not in the bedroom. 

This lifestyle is so important to me, I will not take any of it for granted. It gives me life. It is the only way I can enjoy sex. It is how I want to show my love. Anyone who doesn’t take it seriously, will be no sub of mine. 

Communication 

Yes, I started this thing like six months ago and I’m still not done. Just roll with it. 

30 Days of Dominance

Day 18 – There is a common misconception that the submissive partner in a D/s relationship loses the ability to have and express an opinion. How does communication factor into your Dominance and what expectations do you have in terms of your submissive expressing their desires and needs? Is it limited in time, place or manner? 

I’m going to ignore the statement and move right to the questions…

First off, there is a big difference between “communication” and “effective communication.” The clearer things are, the better a relationship will flow. Talking can suck, it can be hard and uncomfortable, and sometimes feelings will get hurt, but it has to happen from everyone involved in the relationship. 

It seems like there is a lot of emphasis on submissives communicating their needs, wants, ideas, mindset, etc., but I haven’t seen as much on the need for Dominants to communicate. Clear communication from a Dom is so important. So. Fucking. Important. (I’m far from perfect in this area, but working on it.)

I also it feel it is worth mentioning that words don’t mean anything without actions backing them up. 

I expect needs to be voiced as soon as possible. If my sub is feeling off in any way, I need to know. If they are hurt physically, I need to know. If we are knee deep in a bondage scene and they need to pee, I need to know (at the very least I could get a bucket… ‘cause I’m nice like that). Keeping in mind, sometimes a discussion needs to happen for therapeutic reasons, not just to get answers/solutions.

I definitely want to know desires, however there are inappropriate times and inappropriate ways to express them. Common sense can be used for the most part, and correction is important if the sub gets it wrong (ahem, ahem, effective communication/action). 

I like the idea of having a set day/time for talking freely. I really enjoy communication through writings, sharing pictures and such. I think the more ways you communicate the better. 

The Lure of Chastity

Orgasm control and denial are great on their own, but I see more opportunities for enjoyment with chastity.

Since control reaches me on such a deep level, the control factor alone is enough to convince me it is a good idea. If I lock it up and keep the key, even though his penis is attached to his body, it would be mine. He could not, without a doubt, touch his penis in a pleasurable way unless I release him. He could not orgasm without me. Hell, he couldn’t even get fully erect without me. It also takes away his choice (which I happen to know does wonders for the submissive mind), making him more pliable to my will. And if that’s not control, I don’t know what is.

So, if I’m fully in control of what happens or doesn’t happen to his penis, I’m bound to be a pretty important person in his life (this is his “manhood” we’re talking about). If he isn’t pleasing to me, he doesn’t even have a chance at getting what he wants. I think it’s safe to assume this would encourage him to put greater effort into making sure I am happy. This aspect would make me feel special.

I can also use it to be mean. I think it would be great fun to put him in situations that turn him on, just to watch the expression on his face when his penis is straining against the cage. I would definitely enjoy having him serve myself and another female Dominant while in chaste. I could threaten to never let him out because I like him locked up so much…I can always use a dildo when I am in need. Chastity belt = never ending fun.

This little device helps create an overall feeling that is very appealing to me. It helps defines status, adds to the dynamic, gives me control, and turns me on… Yep, chastity is a must.

Porn

For the most part, I haven’t ever been able to really get into porn. Don’t get me wrong, porn has its appeal (boobs are always nice to look at), however I found that written stories had a more lasting impression.

I think vanilla porn is either comical or boring. (Yes, the house is on fire, but, Mr. Fireman, will you fuck me now?) Aside from horrible plots and exaggerated sounds, which is only good for a laugh, it is a waste of my time.

When I was a sub, BDSM porn did not get my juices flowing enough to keep me watching. Even though it was exciting, I cringed through most of it. There was no reason behind the action, so it lost a lot of my interest.

Recently have been making a point to watch more videos, specifically Femdom, and, I’m happy to say, my vagina and I have found it to be enjoyable in ways I didn’t expect. For example, there are things going on in these videos that I would not do and instead of being turned off by them, they actually have potential to do the opposite. To think I will never again put my mouth on a penis, is exciting. Not only is the act unreasonable (because giving blow jobs gives me no pleasure whatsoever), but taking that away from my sub is just too damn good to pass up (because I know how much pleasure it would give him). So, every time I see a Dominant giving a blow job I can’t help but get a little turned on because I know I’ll never have to do that again. 

There is one video that keeps popping into my head, and not because it’s one of those that leaves me wishing I could unsee it, but because it surprised me in a good way. There were two female subs and a Domme (off to a great start!). One sub was tied to a chair and, by going off the mascara running down her face, she had already endured some unpleasant things. The other sub was being instructed by the Domme when to turn on a electro device (that was connect to the sub in the chair) and what level to set it at. So, they start doing their thing… the Domme was right up next to the girl in the chair with a wonderful smile on her face and the sub was nodding her head, answering questions, and crying. Every so often the Domme would slightly nod, cueing to turn on the device, and the sub would scream out in pain.

This is a perfect example of a video I would not have liked to watch as a sub (even if I wouldn’t have minded to be used in a similar way), yet now… the expressions on the sub’s face, the way her eyes looked, and how she screamed out… it was fucking hot. Her face was messy, she was scared and determined, and so beautiful (and not just because of her features). She accepted the pain for the enjoyment of others. She was willing prey and the Domme was eating it up. 

And, clearly, it did something for me, too.