Dominance, submission, and Me

Miss D asked…

Do you ever feel submissive or have urges to submit anymore?

And collaredmichael asked…

When did you know you were dominant?

For those of you that do not know, I spent three years as a sub to my husband (whom is now my ex). It was a very rocky time in my life. I struggled in the darkest ways, but I also woke up from many years of merely existing and had experiences that made me feel good.

I responded sexually to being a sub, in a way that I never did in a vanilla setting. I don’t respond well, at all, in a vanilla setting. I thought being a sub was my place. In the end, it wasn’t what was best for me. It put me in an unhealthy mindset. Instead of empowering me and giving me a safe place, it brought the result of my trauma to the forefront and kept it there, making it worse. It crippled me.

Being a sub made me see my wounds, being a Domme has helped me heal them. I no longer have to fight the poison my dad passed down to me. I welcome it because its darkness makes me feel twisted and beautiful. (This makes me cry tears of peace.)

No, I do not feel submissive anymore and I have absolutely no desire to try it again. I get all I need and want from being a Domme.

Late 2016, I found out that my ex was interested in Femdom. By that time, I was a mess. I knew I couldn’t trust him enough to submit to him, which just about killed me. Being in control was better than having no D/s, so I stepped up. It was a shock to see how my body responded to topping him. I found myself literally dripping down my legs. *snort* And I thought I wouldn’t like it…

I have learned some pretty incredible lessons along the way and I am thankful for the experiences I’ve had, even the bad.

What if My sub Wanted a sub?

I asked for some inspiration from all of you on my last post, and Ms D came through with a few good questions.

The first question I’m going to answer…

What if your sub wanted to have a sub of their own? Would you support them? Mentor them? Or let them go to pursue this?

My answer would differ from sub to sub. It would also depend on what my relationship looked like with them and what kind of relationship they wanted to have with their sub.

I’ll break it down for you and try to keep it simple.

If I had a male slave/pet that wanted a sub… that’s a hilarious thought. A slave having authority over another doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m not saying it hasn’t happened somewhere in the world, or that it can’t happen, it just doesn’t fit in line with my idea of what a slave is (a male slave in particular). In fact, I would refrain from putting him in any kind of authority position, but that’s just me (I have principles, yo). If, on the rare chance, I had a female slave, I would give it some thought and probably end up telling them no, yet I might be willing to work something out if they wanted to top another one of my subs.

Seeing as how subs have more freedom than slaves, this is where we step into a grey area.

If we’re talking about someone I only saw occasionally and wasn’t very involved with (which is not something that gets my juices flowing), I would definitely support them and offer any kind of advise they asked for. I have actually recently been in this situation and did just that. However, it did change the way I handled the relationship. I believe with the right kind of communication it could work, but in this situation the communication wasn’t there (on either side) and it ended up not working out. Also, I’m 90% sure this would not work for me long term, even with good communication.

If I am involved with a sub, that I talk to daily and see often, I would try to work something out. It would be easier if they only wanted a play partner to occasionally top, however if they wanted a full-time sub… I don’t think it would work for me. There are so many variables that would tip it one way or the other and I have no way of really knowing what I would or wouldn’t do. I know that it is not ideal for me. Having said that, one of my regular fantasies involves my female sub (not slave) topping my male slave… *dreamy sigh* that really needs to happen.

At the end of the day, I don’t want my sub to have a sub, for multiple reasons, yet I am willing to compromise under the right circumstances. If my relationship ended with them as a result of them having a sub, I would hope that we could remain friends and I would be happy and very willing to support and mentor them.

Do You Have Questions?

I have a lot of thoughts and ideas — I think they’re worth sharing. I like musing. I like creating with quite a few types of mediums, words included. Some days, I think about writing… obviously nothing comes of it. I would like to continue writing here, but I can’t seem to find a direction.

While I work through this process of finding my reason for blogging, I am going to ask for some inspiration from you, my readers.

Do you have any questions? Would you like my opinion about something in particular? Do you want to know anything about my life? Maybe you’d like some clarity about a post I’ve made in the past?

I encourage you to ask. Of course, there are things I will keep private, but you won’t have a chance of knowing unless you ask.

Comment below or feel free to use my Contact Me form.

Dominant Responsibility

I have written before about how I struggled with the responsibility aspect of being in a Dominant position. It was one of the few major problems I encountered in the beginning, that really hindered me. In fact, now that I’m writing about it, the other problems I had probably stemmed off it.

I believe it is a good thing for a Dominant to know the weight of responsibility — whether you play casually or not. What we do in the realm of BDSM is not a game. You can seriously hurt someone physically… you can kill them. Don’t get me started on how bad you can mess someone up mentally — death might actually be the better option, in some cases. The amount of people out there that do not think about what they are doing, they just do whatever with no regard, is fucking disconcerting and wrong. Honestly, it pisses me off.

I digress.

I’m not here to write about others, I want to talk about where I currently am with all of this.

I trust myself. Not in a sense that I can do all the things and not make mistakes, but in the sense that I am not fucking stupid and I know myself well enough that I know I will make the best decision I can, with the information I have, by actually thinking about outcomes and what is best overall for everyone involved. I’m also pretty good at seeing ways to improve and learn from my mistakes. To me, that is a key element in being a good Domme. I expect this from myself.

If I played casually, I wouldn’t need to think as deep as I do, nevertheless, I enjoy it. I enjoy reflection and deep thought. I enjoy forethought and seeing different paths I can take. It makes my brain feel good. I love how being in control gives me an outlet for creative and productive thought.

It took me a long time to be able to say I trust myself. I couldn’t trust someone else telling me that I was a good Domme, I needed to see it for myself. I knew I could learn to spank someone, I knew I could come up with rules and punishments, etc.. I needed to see that I could not only handle the responsibility, but that I could also thrive and enjoy having it. I needed to know I would make good decisions… I needed to see myself do it because I have made so many mistakes in my life and I didn’t want to fuck up more lives than I have already.

I am confident that I can keep my subs safe while feeding my sadistic side. I am confident that I can create the twisted, dark life I want, and sustain it. I feel safer letting my darkness out, and I have even reached a point where I have realized that I actually want and like my darkness for all that it is (and pretty excited to see how it evolves).

It feels really good to finally reach this point.

I’d Be Happy if…

I’ve made changes over the course of my life, not just recently, in search for happiness. I knew what wouldn’t make me happy (money, large house, nice car, etc.), nevertheless, I didn’t know what would make me happy, either. I just knew it was out there and I fucking wanted it. I found happy moments, I found things and people that made me feel good, I also found some peace along the way.

For the past few years, I have been doing this, “I’d be happy if…,” thing. You see, I want to live a particular kind of life. I have made so many changes over the last 6 years working towards making it happen. I’m obsessed with this shit. I think it is great that I have goals, that I have a plan, that I have something I am passionate about. I have spent so much of my life just trying to survive, that I didn’t have room to think about goals and the like, so this is a very good thing for me… it shows me that I am working on thriving instead of surviving.

Just a few months ago (maybe not even that long) I had a question slap me in the face. Will I be happy once my plan comes to fruition? Will I really be happy? Being honest with myself, I don’t think I will. I think I’ve been looking in the wrong places. I’ve been looking for people to make me happy… and I don’t think that is fair nor possible.

I have people in my life right now that make me smile and laugh. I have people that care about me and support me. I have a girl that likes it when I do mean things to her (and just hangout and watch tv with), how fucking awesome is that?! I even have someone that I want a future with and opened up to, which is… quite meaningful, to me. My kids are wonderfully unique and crazy. I have a house and car, a job that pays the bills. My life isn’t full of rainbows and magical unicorn poop, but it isn’t what it used to be. My life is good. It is good right now.

So, why am I not happy?

Why do I cry every fucking day?

Because I have wounds that haven’t healed.

That’s why.

What does this mean for my happiness?

It means I am responsible for it. It means I have work to do — I may spend the rest of my life battling demons for happiness. It means I need to hold on to the moments when I feel good, so when chaos rains I remember it won’t last forever.

A Shift that Destroyed My World so I Can Build a New One

I wrote a post the end of February 2015 (on my first blog, which is no longer active)…

What Must Be

I have realized this is something I must go through. I cannot go back and I cannot go around. All detours lead right back here. Stopping is no longer an option. Forward is the the only way.

The barricade is tall, thick, and much stronger than I.

I know this because I built it to be indestructible.

There is no path to guide my way through. No light to shine the way. No maps or “How To…” books.


Which is how I wanted it.

This barrier made it so that I could only hear incomprehensible whispers from the monsters that slither through my mind, which left me free to ignore them. A wonderful side effect. However, it blocked out much more than their voices. A trade I didn’t know I was making. Though, had I known, I might have still made it.

Each layer that has come crashing down, brings back more of what was lost.

More history.

More demons.

More love.

More anger.

More life.

More hate.

More me.

There is more left, lurking within the parts that haven’t fallen–feared unknowns waiting their turn to expose and heal.

What lies beyond is the mystery I fear the most. What will it be like? Will I be strong enough to handle it? Will it be someone that he can love? Will it hurt?

I know not how far I have come, nor how far I have left or where I will end, I only know that I must go through.

I was in a really difficult place when I wrote that. I remember the history that inspired it, the fear, how alone I felt, and tears that were shed. Yet, I was so determined to keep going. I opened a door that let the chaos back in, along with life, and I don’t regret it one little bit.

Here I am four years later and I have come so far. Although the same message applies (except for the “Will it be someone he can love?” part), I am no longer the woman who wrote that.

A mere four years. Most of the change happened within the last two years.

The foundation of who I was and the life I lived, crumbled, like an earthquake of great magnitude happened within me. And I was left with a disaster. Fragments of myself I no longer wanted. Pieces of a life I could no longer live, but morned. I was in a world I didn’t recognize, living in a body that did not feel like my own.

It has been so fucking painful.

And I am so fucking thankful.

I have had to look at some shitty parts of myself – my behaviors that are beneath me and my beliefs, my choices that had significant negative impacts on me, victimizing myself when I was not a victim and what damaged that caused, the list goes on and on- and I think it broke me in the best way possible.

I have dug deep to find the core pieces of my damage. I found some that I have blinded myself to, for far too long.

My hands hurt, my soul is banged up, my mind is a mixture of chaos and rational thoughts. I’m still going. And I’m never going to give up.

Because I am fucking hardheaded.

I am thankful for the events that helped me see and break down what wasn’t serving me in a positive way, no matter how painful they were. I am thankful for the ones that will happen in the future.

I am thankful I am not someone who lets life defeat me, but someone who takes the pain and does something with it.

I am beyond thankful I have not been completely alone and that I am loved.

Now, I rebuild. This time, I have more wisdom and life experience, and you can bet your ass I’m going to do something with it.