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Triad Goals

I don’t like to write in exacts because I know how fluid life can be. I know that if I find someone I like – their personality, beliefs, they aren’t stupid, etc. – and they don’t fit into my ideal life scenario, I am likely to adjust. Of course, there are things I will not budge on just like everyone else. I also know that my ideal will probably change and evolve as “real life” happens.

Having said that…

I want a girl and a boy sub. I don’t have a desire to have more subs than that.

I feel like I will thrive most in a triad. It is something I have fantasized about for quite some time– to have a girl in my arms and a boy at my feet. More than that, I want a life with both of them, one that involves love between us.

I want to be in control of both — I fiercely want that power. In the most extreme moments, I want to pick out their clothes and food, direct their entire day, have them cater to my every whim, bound them, tease them, hurt them… devour every bit of them that I can. In more relaxed moments, I want to hold them, watch them interact, enjoy the laughter and company of two people I love.

He would be my live-in puppet, the one that is always there, owned by me in all ways. She would have more freedom.

Ideally, she would have fun teasing him and using him. Ideally, he would take well to that treatment. She would never serve him because I find that deliciously unfair and, ya’ know, principles.

I would be their safe place and someone they can always count on. They would be my most valuable and I would care for them as such.

My thoughts flow with possibilities and it leaves me with a sense of life that reverberates through me like an electric charge. I want it to be more than mere fantasy.

As days move on, the more I feel it, the more I know I can make it happen, I just have to stay strong and keep fighting.

I have life and kids, which will always come first, and I have some odds that are against me, but I can’t stop the hope from being there.

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Absent

I don’t know how to write here anymore. I’ve always been a journal blogger, and I don’t feel like I can do that anymore. It doesn’t feel safe and it doesn’t feel right — there are too many factors, too many people, too many of a lot of things.

And it sucks.

I want to get back into it because I truly enjoy it. I feel like I have information to share. I feel like I have emotional build-up to purge. I know I have exciting things to share. But, none of that is enough to get the words flowing the way I want them to.

I haven’t given up completely… maybe things will change.

Let’s run away (let’s run away),
Find ourselves a new place
Let’s run away
And find ourselves

Let’s run away, run away
Four walls built a cage
Let’s run away, run away
Four walls built a cage

Don’t let the cloud of dust settle in your lungs
Or the hourglass begin to run out
Let’s make sand castles while we can
Cause we’ll age and then someday
We will look back and say
What ravishing lives that we lived
What fascinating places we went

Love Complicates Mistakes

Love makes it hurt in places you didn’t know were there.

But, then to realize those places are there… that they somehow weaved their way in so deep, deeper than what I already knew… it makes me feel like there is more to fight for. And more to hold on to.

The chaos within, that love and pain create, eats away my energy. Pain clouds the path and love clears it, over and over. Love also blinds and pain fuels me. It is all a tangled mess. I take steps when I can and crumble when I can’t.

I am tired.

Nevertheless, I know how to fight for myself.

I am picky about the people I let into my heart and mind because I know how long and how hard I will fight for them. I know what I’m committing to. I have lived and seen enough to know what is worth fighting for.

My love hasn’t lessened.

I still want what I want, ’cause I’m hardheaded like that.

It would hurt me more to walk away.

I still want you.

But, make no mistake, I will not do this again and I expect more.