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Life Thoughts

I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts lately. I can’t pinpoint what is wrong or where it is coming from. I might be getting sick or depressed, or something else entirely. I’m still functioning and actively “doing” life, but it’s like I have an annoying itch in my brain that I can’t scratch. My soul is tired and thoughts are cloudy…

Life seems to be really hard and I don’t think it is going to get easier any time soon.

I don’t know if my perspective is limited or if life truly is hard.

I have some really good things going for me. I try to stay focused on those things and just deal with the other stuff. And, in all honesty, the hard stuff is not bad.

I know I’m being vague… it has been a long time since I’ve wrote a personal post with details.

I need to give myself a break, but how do I do that when I have a full-time job, two young kids, three animals and a house to take care of? I get five days a month without my kids, that’s not a lot of time to have a social life. FIVE days. And two of those are mostly spent catching up on house work so I’m not over doing it during the week.

I’m exhausted from that side of life but if I don’t take the time and energy to do the stuff I enjoy, I start to feel hopeless and downright sad.

It’s a lot.

I’m also working on myself, mentally and physically (could be doing more physically, that’s for sure!).

It’s probably the hardest part. It also takes a long time to see results, which can be discouraging. I really need to do it, though. This is my “future” work. This is the stuff I do today, so that a month (or year) from now, I’m not where I am today. I feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to work on myself in a very deep way and I want to take advantage of it.

Life feels out of balance, however, I have an inner knowing that there is purpose in it all. I have no idea what that purpose is… I trust it, though.

Fully Erect?… Nope, Not This Time

I was asked a few questions from collaredmichael, I’m going to split them up into different posts. In this post, I will answer the following.

Being a sub man in a cage, is this something you might like to do? Would you like to be a key holder?

I’ve heard that some Dominant women don’t do chastity because they feel like the male is submitting to the device, not the woman…

I’m not one to tell other women how to do their thing but, yeah, I’m pretty confident they’re doing it wrong.

If you are a Dominant woman and don’t like the idea of chastity, that is well within your rights, just don’t make up lame excuses why you don’t use chastity.

And, guys, be very careful how you approach a woman with the idea of chastity because you might end up turning them into a woman that thinks you are submitting to a piece of metal/plastic.

Personally, I think it is a great tool.

I love that it gives me control of a penis, and therefore the boy. It is also an easy way to feed my sadistic side — teasing a boy so that he strains against the cage, denying the penis pleasure when I get all the pleasure I want… that is some tasty stuff! I like that it reminds the boy that they are mine, even when I’m not physically with them. I would really enjoy having a necklace with a key on it, reminding me of the control I have.

I wouldn’t keep a boy locked up 24/7, though. I like edging and ruining orgasms. I like seeing when a boy gets an erection, especially in humiliating situations. I would also like seeing when they don’t have an erection, especially if I’m feeling particularly sadistic — knowing they are not getting pleasure from what I’m doing. In other words, I like playing with penises that aren’t locked up.

Needless to say, it greatly depends on my mood if I will use chastity or not, but, yes, I do like it.

Real Life

Read here

I can’t even begin to tell you how I felt reading that post — how many of my fears it touches, how my heart feels, being reminded of the depth of responsibility I put on myself, the validation of knowing that I am not wrong for taking ownership that serious, the relief that their story didn’t end… and the need it created to hug those I love and care for.

Not Feelin’ It

Miss D asked…

How would you handle the following situation:
You’ve been considering a sub for awhile. You enjoy playing with them, you enjoy mentoring them, but the connection isn’t there to bring them on full time. They obviously want more from you.

First, you need to know something about me.

I’m stingy as hell when it comes to playing with people. When I get to the point of wanting to play with someone, I’m already invested. Sure, the level of investment might be low, and I might keep it low on purpose, but it is most definitely there. In other words, I don’t play if they’re not my sub.

If my sub wanted full-time and I wasn’t interested in that, I would figure out what I was willing to do, and tell them. They might not be able to do what you want, so you take the risk of the relationship ending, but that is far better than stringing it along, in my opinion. I like to be straight and feel it is better not to sugarcoat things. I’d avoid building false hope, unless, of course, I truly felt like we could be more in the future.

It is important to be upfront. It will be easier and better for you in the long run, and it allows the sub to keep looking for what they want.

Goals

Barney Rubble asked…

What are your goals? Are you building an empire?

Hell yes, I’m building an empire. I’m on target to take over the world. Currently looking for other amazing women to be the head of different regions and other various management positions. Also looking for live-in boys who will assist us while make the world a better place (quick note: room and board isn’t free, however, I do give bi-monthly pay based on the quality of their work). The foundation of home base has been laid and I’m working on the ground level. The raised platform in the main hall will be done soon — my throne will sit atop it, obviously. This is all taxing, hard work, as you can imagine. The workers (not slaves – because, remember, we pay them) get out of line from time-to-time, so I have to stay on top of them.

Aside from that, my short term, personal goals are to create more art, spend more time with my girl (and her head between my legs), and raise my two children who will one day be Queens of their own land. I also need a boy to be my personal assistant (because reasons). I’ve had my eye on a boy for awhile now… just have to wait and see what happens.

Dominance, submission, and Me

Miss D asked…

Do you ever feel submissive or have urges to submit anymore?

And collaredmichael asked…

When did you know you were dominant?

For those of you that do not know, I spent three years as a sub to my husband (whom is now my ex). It was a very rocky time in my life. I struggled in the darkest ways, but I also woke up from many years of merely existing and had experiences that made me feel good.

I responded sexually to being a sub, in a way that I never did in a vanilla setting. I don’t respond well, at all, in a vanilla setting. I thought being a sub was my place. In the end, it wasn’t what was best for me. It put me in an unhealthy mindset. Instead of empowering me and giving me a safe place, it brought the result of my trauma to the forefront and kept it there, making it worse. It crippled me.

Being a sub made me see my wounds, being a Domme has helped me heal them. I no longer have to fight the poison my dad passed down to me. I welcome it because its darkness makes me feel twisted and beautiful. (This makes me cry tears of peace.)

No, I do not feel submissive anymore and I have absolutely no desire to try it again. I get all I need and want from being a Domme.

Late 2016, I found out that my ex was interested in Femdom. By that time, I was a mess. I knew I couldn’t trust him enough to submit to him, which just about killed me. Being in control was better than having no D/s, so I stepped up. It was a shock to see how my body responded to topping him. I found myself literally dripping down my legs. *snort* And I thought I wouldn’t like it…

I have learned some pretty incredible lessons along the way and I am thankful for the experiences I’ve had, even the bad.