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It’s All About the Lyrics

Not a huge fan of the video, but thought I’d share anyway.


Handwritten

The Gaslight Anthem

Pull it out, turn it up, what’s your favorite song?
That’s mine, I’ve been crying to it since I was young
I know there’s someone out there feeling just like I feel
I know they’re waiting up, I know they’re waiting to heal
And I’ve been holding my breath
Are you holding your breath
For too many years to count?
Too many years to count

And we waited for the sirens that never come
And we only write by the moon
Every word handwritten
And to ease the loss of youth
And how many years I’ve missed you
Pages plead forgiveness
Every word handwritten

Let it out, let me in, take a hold of my hand
There’s nothing like another soul that’s been cut up the same
And did you want to drive without a word in between?
I can understand, you need a minute to breathe
And to sew up the seams after all this defeat
All this defeat

And we waited for the sirens that never come
And we only write by the moon
Every word handwritten
And to ease the loss of youth
And the many, many years I’ve missed you
Pages plead forgiveness
Every word handwritten

Here in the dark, I cherish the moonlight
I’m in love with the way you’re in love with the night
And it travels from heart to limb to pen

And we waited for the sirens that never come
And we only write by the moon
Every word handwritten
Every word handwritten

And with this pen, I thee wed
From my heart to your distress

Every word handwrittenSongwriters: BRIAN FALLONĀ© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

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Continuing to Define My Domme Side

I continually try to pick myself apart. What do I like? Why do I like that? Why don’t I like that? How did that make me feel? Where the hell did this woman come from, I know I wasn’t her a year ago… or was she there, just dormant? What other facets are part of my whole?

I need to know these things!!

Aside from my sadistic tendencies, I’m pretty sure being in control is also a big one for me– it could be a bigger part than my sadistic side, I really don’t know at this point.

I like having things my way. I like making them my way. I want to be in control, damnit!!!!! Like, thinking about my sub having certain freedoms, kinda feels like someone sandpapering my brain. It is not cool. Thinking about controlling my sub, as little as telling them what name to address me as, kinda feels wearing and petting my fur collars, or slipping into a warm bath. It does good things for my brain.

In some cases, I have found it is extremely difficult to not let this side of me surface. I know that certain things need to be in place before control is turned up a notch (or turned on at all), and when it is turned up, other things need to be in place before it is turned up again. Nevertheless, not having control makes the Domme in me restless and, sometimes, quite upset. I’m not sure if it is my ego or if there is something else going on, I just know I don’t know how to process it, yet.

I feel like control is what makes D/s (or M/s) sustainable — sadism can only take it so far. But, I romanticize control so maybe my view is a little biased…

A Safe Place

It is extremely important to me to be a safe place for those I call mine. I want them to have the space to be themselves around me — the good, bad, and kinks/fetishes. I am really good at accepting people because it makes me feel good, it builds me up. When I call someone mine, I want the whole package, right down to their soul. I want them to come to me with their problems and fears. I want to know what makes them smile during the day and what brings them happiness. I want them to feel safe being open and vulnerable with me. That is part of my package.

When I can’t be that, it somehow takes away from my dominance.

It helps me to feel needed.

I NEED to be needed.

Maybe, in a way, it makes it easier for me to accept my sadistic side? A fair trade, of sorts? Or maybe it isn’t that at all… maybe it simply gives me confidence and a foundation to stand on.

I was told I am abusive.

I was not a safe place for them.

I was also told that I am not a good friend.

All from the same person.

Being told I am abusive has really done a number on me. It has been a fear of mine since I realized I had a sadistic side. I like being mean… I love being mean. And, because that darkness resides in me, I fear coming off as abusive in an unhealthy way.

I will not be my dad.

So, I broke it off with them.

It was a short lived relationship.

I tried.

I really tried.

And, I failed.

It was a learning experience, so at least there’s that.

I am incredibly thankful for the people in my life that assured me of what I am and what I am not. I have a feeling I would have had a much harder time, if it wasn’t for them.

(For those who are wondering, I still have the girl I mentioned here and the boy I wrote about here–they are two of the people that helped me through this mess.)

End of Year (Life) Reflection

This year has been some kind of personalized hell.

Seriously, I’m pretty sure a higher power decided that 2017 wasn’t hard enough and, ya’ know, why not add some more logs to the fire? What doesn’t kill us…

I am ready to put this year behind me.

I am ready for a lot of things.

I’m ready to be done with some stupid and/or shitty people. I’m ready to deepen my relationships with people that aren’t stupid and/or shitty (thank goodness for them!!). I’m ready to start living and not just surviving.

Mostly, I’m ready to feel good.

That is going to be my goal for 2019.

Feel good.

Throw more logs on the fire, I don’t care. If there is one thing life has taught me it is that I can weather most kinds of hell and come out on the other side with a smile. It is about time I learn to smile while in the flames.

I got this.


Triad Goals

I don’t like to write in exacts because I know how fluid life can be. I know that if I find someone I like – their personality, beliefs, they aren’t stupid, etc. – and they don’t fit into my ideal life scenario, I am likely to adjust. Of course, there are things I will not budge on just like everyone else. I also know that my ideal will probably change and evolve as “real life” happens.

Having said that…

I want a girl and a boy sub. I don’t have a desire to have more subs than that.

I feel like I will thrive most in a triad. It is something I have fantasized about for quite some time– to have a girl in my arms and a boy at my feet. More than that, I want a life with both of them, one that involves love between us.

I want to be in control of both — I fiercely want that power. In the most extreme moments, I want to pick out their clothes and food, direct their entire day, have them cater to my every whim, bound them, tease them, hurt them… devour every bit of them that I can. In more relaxed moments, I want to hold them, watch them interact, enjoy the laughter and company of two people I love.

He would be my live-in puppet, the one that is always there, owned by me in all ways. She would have more freedom.

Ideally, she would have fun teasing him and using him. Ideally, he would take well to that treatment. She would never serve him because I find that deliciously unfair and, ya’ know, principles.

I would be their safe place and someone they can always count on. They would be my most valuable and I would care for them as such.

My thoughts flow with possibilities and it leaves me with a sense of life that reverberates through me like an electric charge. I want it to be more than mere fantasy.

As days move on, the more I feel it, the more I know I can make it happen, I just have to stay strong and keep fighting.

I have life and kids, which will always come first, and I have some odds that are against me, but I can’t stop the hope from being there.

Absent

I don’t know how to write here anymore. I’ve always been a journal blogger, and I don’t feel like I can do that anymore. It doesn’t feel safe and it doesn’t feel right — there are too many factors, too many people, too many of a lot of things.

And it sucks.

I want to get back into it because I truly enjoy it. I feel like I have information to share. I feel like I have emotional build-up to purge. I know I have exciting things to share. But, none of that is enough to get the words flowing the way I want them to.

I haven’t given up completely… maybe things will change.

Let’s run away (let’s run away),
Find ourselves a new place
Let’s run away
And find ourselves

Let’s run away, run away
Four walls built a cage
Let’s run away, run away
Four walls built a cage

Don’t let the cloud of dust settle in your lungs
Or the hourglass begin to run out
Let’s make sand castles while we can
Cause we’ll age and then someday
We will look back and say
What ravishing lives that we lived
What fascinating places we went