Good and Stressful Steps

I have found blogging to be more difficult as a Domme than it was as a sub. I’m not sure what I want to say these days, or how to say it.

I misunderstood somethings about B and I. After some serious reflection, there is no one to blame because I believe it was a matter of circumstances (mostly how we came together and my state of mind). However, I did do wrong because I did not see clearly and, of course, there are some repercussions. (Nothing we can’t overcome.)

It is important for me to note this moment because I feel like it will be a turning point and a good step for me. (I hope it is anyway!) I learned something about what I need as a Domme. I need to know where I stand, as it creates a space for me to grow.

As far as my worry that I cannot be a good Domme, I think time will be the best/only judge. I am Domme, though, of that I am sure. I feel her inside me, she is waking up after a long sleep and she is hungry.

In the meantime, I am going to be patient while she wakes and divorce my husband. (So stressed!)


Past, Present, and (a little bit of) Future

Over the past week or so I have had some serious growth happen and, while I could have done it on my own, I had help. The help I received made it go quicker and better than I ever would have been able to do on my own, and I am so grateful for it. It helped me so much.

For the past year, my life has been heavier than it has been in a long time. This is the kind of heavy I worked hard to avoid, and yet, here I am.

I thought my husband was someone he wasn’t. That’s my bad, but it has turned my world upside down. I depended on him to keep me sane, to keep me grounded, to give me a life that was better than I dreamed I would ever have (turns out, I can make my own). The ground fell from under me and I had no net. It hurt. And it had to happen.

I tried to focus on other things, but… those were heavy too. Everything was heavy. I didn’t know what to do about anything, so I couldn’t do anything, and it just sucked.

The help I received really pushed me look at myself. This is what I needed. I kept looking at what others needed and I tried to… find a happy ground where I could… I’m not sure how to explain… Take my husband for example, I know he has been struggling, this isn’t any easier on him than it is on me, so I tried not to make it worse. By doing that I made sacrifices that did no good for me, they actually knocked me down, which rained down on B. I love him, and it hurt me to hurt him, and… ugh… it was a huge mess.

So I was able to step outside of that and look at me. What did I need? Who am I? Me. ME. ME!

I had no idea that I could figure out what I needed to do by looking at what I needed!

It is mind blowing.

Yes, sometimes I can be a bit dense.

I am glad someone made me question myself and what I have. It made me see that I can trust myself, I can trust my judgment, and I know what I need.

B and I had a few talks. They were hard on both of us because we’ve been in this mess and we were already hurting, but we did it. This is something my husband was never willing to do. This is what it means to be in a committed relationship — not giving up when the going gets tough. B and I have a foundation, we connect, we have common believes and views, he makes me laugh and makes me feel important in ways that matter the most. He is amazing. I also need to see that he is really lucky to have me… this is a key that I was missing before, and I couldn’t see it because I wasn’t looking at me (correction: I was actually looking at my faults). I was making a sacrifice that actually hurt us both. I can trust myself to do what is right for both of us. I know now that have power over him and I know that he is okay if I use that power. I trust myself with this power because I know I can keep him safe… I can keep him safe because I love him. We can make this work even with all the miles between us. And when I can finally lock him in real chains, I will already have chains around his soul. *evil laugh*

So, today I am smiling. I feel good. I have some more hard times in front of me, but I now have the strength to get through it. I don’t need anyone to hold me up, but I definitely need people standing beside me… and one below me, on his knees.

Who am I?

I do not know who I am because I have been too busy trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, or what I think they want me to be (because I can definitely tell when I am not doing what someone wants me to).

Be my play thing, little girl.

Think this way.

You don’t want to be that.

You need to do this. 

Buy a house, settle down, have a life that looks pretty… then we will be happy for you, because that’s what happiness looks like. 

Doing that will make you happy.

Look this way and wear that. 

I do not know who I am because I have been a push over. That’s the truth of it.

I am not mad at them, I am not upset with myself. People beat me down and I let them because I was too young to know that I could fight back, and that just stayed with me this whole time. I didn’t know any better. I know better now.

I wanted submission because I felt like that would finally make me enough, that it would make it clear what was expected of me so I could finally make someone happy. And, to be honest, that’s why I wanted Dominance, too, because I thought that’s what he wanted.

So I don’t know who I am.

But, I can tell you one thing…

I’m not doing that anymore. I can trust myself. I can trust that I know what is best for me. I am smart and strong. I am not broken. I can decide for myself.

I’m done trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. It is time for me to find out who I am.

Well, hello there, Mrs. Confidence. It has been a while since I have seen you.

Cultivating a Dominant Presence

This post couldn’t have come at a better time for me!

Domina Jen

Anyone can put on a corset and leather mini skirt.  Anyone can tie her hair up in a severe bun and draw on black eyeliner.  Anyone can wear thigh-high boots and swing a flogger.

Any woman can put on the costume.  But what makes someone a Dominant?

In a word: Presence.

A Dominant has to be able to command respect, embody authority, and basically intimidate the hell out of everyone when she wants to.

sexy woman Command respect, convey power, exude authority

I remember the first time I met my mentor.

I’d seen pictures of him, of course, but it was entirely different meeting him in person.  When he walked through the door, everyone in the building noticed.

It was like in those movies where the main character’s crush walks in to the party, and everyone just stops.  Time seems to move in slow motion as all eyes turn to the…

View original post 1,619 more words

Growth Hurts – in a bad way with a (hopefully) good outcome

I have been in this self-growth stage for a while now. To be honest, I’m tired of it. I am ready to be the person I want to be. Well, that’s not entirely true, if I was ready, I would be the person I want to be. The problem is, I don’t want to see how I let myself down, how I got myself in this mess, how I had it all wrong.

*sigh* But, I can’t change without looking at those things.

Taking on this new role has done so much for me. I want to talk about it, I have tried to write about it. I felt the best way to explain was to start with who I was before, so I started there. I wrote a whole post, then I listened to what I wrote. I heard it from an outside perspective. I do not like what I read. I do not want to share what I wrote.

I have shared a lot about myself on this blog and my last blog, but this… I reached some kind of limit as to how deep I’m willing to go within my broken parts. It is one thing to reflect on them by myself and a completely other thing to share them on the world wide web.

Maybe it isn’t as bad as I think.

It probably isn’t.

I can’t help but think, “What if I could help someone?”

I don’t know. Maybe one day, but today is not the day.

I can tell you that it will fuel me to be the Domme I want to be and I know I am worth more than what I once believed.