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Coffin for One

Both of my parents taught me not to trust.

My dad taught me that anyone can be a monster. They are hiding everywhere, just waiting to strikeThey walk down your street. They shop in the same store you do. They are on the other side of the computer screen. They pretend to be your dad, when all they really are is a demon that spawned you. They are everywhere.

My mom taught me that I can’t trust anyone to be there for me. I’m on my own. Always. You are growing into a woman, you’re on your own. Your dad did something horrible to you, you’re own your own. You are doing drugs at 11 years old, that’s your choice. You keep missing school, that’s on you. Your problems are your problems, deal with them on your own, ’cause I’m going to sit here on the couch and drink my beer while I look the other way.

Not trusting is my default.

Sometimes I forget and life doesn’t seem so dark, but then, something happens (it can even be something totally unrelated) and I remember what my parents taught me.

When I am feeling good, I can tell myself, “That’s not what is happening now, you can trust, you are safe, it is okay.” However, when I am feeling down, it confirms my default setting as truth…even when it’s not really true.

I put up a wall that I don’t want to put up. It is a poison that corrupts my soul. It takes away my hope, it takes away my vision of the future, and gives me a ticket to comfortable coffin for one.

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Tired

I’m tired of trying to figure out who I am and how I’m supposed to be.

Tired of trying to figure out how to find the strength to leave my husband.

Tired of trying to figure out how to take care of my kids without ending up homeless.

Tired of aching.

Tired if hurting.

I’m just fucking tired.

Mark Your Calendars

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza is coming on December 7th!!

Check out the details here, but, basically, it is a day of recipe fun.

There are a few things I’d like to point out.

  • The recipes are not limited to cookies. I have participated three times and not one of my recipes were for cookies. (What can I say, I’m a rebel.)
  • It is a great way to find new blogs and for new people to find your blog.
  • I have seen people mix kink in their post, some share links to recipes they’ve found online, others just post their recipe, and everything in between. The important part is to have fun.
  • If you want to participate (and, really, why wouldn’t you?) you need to sign up by December 5th. For sign up info go to either link in this post.

Also, gotta give Jz, at A Reluctant Bitch, a shout-out because she makes this event possible and I really enjoy her blog. Please go check her out even if you aren’t interested in the extravaganza.

Communication 

Yes, I started this thing like six months ago and I’m still not done. Just roll with it. 

30 Days of Dominance

Day 18 – There is a common misconception that the submissive partner in a D/s relationship loses the ability to have and express an opinion. How does communication factor into your Dominance and what expectations do you have in terms of your submissive expressing their desires and needs? Is it limited in time, place or manner? 

I’m going to ignore the statement and move right to the questions…

First off, there is a big difference between “communication” and “effective communication.” The clearer things are, the better a relationship will flow. Talking can suck, it can be hard and uncomfortable, and sometimes feelings will get hurt, but it has to happen from everyone involved in the relationship. 

It seems like there is a lot of emphasis on submissives communicating their needs, wants, ideas, mindset, etc., but I haven’t seen as much on the need for Dominants to communicate. Clear communication from a Dom is so important. So. Fucking. Important. (I’m far from perfect in this area, but working on it.)

I also it feel it is worth mentioning that words don’t mean anything without actions backing them up. 

I expect needs to be voiced as soon as possible. If my sub is feeling off in any way, I need to know. If they are hurt physically, I need to know. If we are knee deep in a bondage scene and they need to pee, I need to know (at the very least I could get a bucket… ‘cause I’m nice like that). Keeping in mind, sometimes a discussion needs to happen for therapeutic reasons, not just to get answers/solutions.

I definitely want to know desires, however there are inappropriate times and inappropriate ways to express them. Common sense can be used for the most part, and correction is important if the sub gets it wrong (ahem, ahem, effective communication/action). 

I like the idea of having a set day/time for talking freely. I really enjoy communication through writings, sharing pictures and such. I think the more ways you communicate the better. 

Adjusting the Plan

Even though I made up my mind months ago and I have a rough plan for during and after the divorce…things are at a standstill…or, more accurately, I’m at a standstill. Overthinking probably has a little to do with it. 

I told him weeks ago that I can’t live like this, divorce is the only way either one of us could have a chance at happiness. He wanted to know why (*loud sigh*), so I explained to him, for the millionth fucking time, why we fell apart and why we can’t go back. I believe he keeps asking because he hopes for a different response, a crack in my resolve to pounce on. 

One moment that is etched in my brain from that conversation… To point a wrong of mine, he told me that I no longer ask how his day went. He hardly ever asked how my day was, which I pointed out (and should have pointed out years and years ago). His response was, “I thought your love for me was strong enough that I didn’t need to ask.” … “You’re just here with the kids all day.”

Yeah, that’s wrong on so many levels and it hurts. 

So, we had that talk, and nothing came of it. 

*head desk*

I know there’s something better out there and staying here kills me from the inside out. I want to live again. I want to smile again — really smile, on the inside. I want the air to clear so I can breathe. I want someone to make my coffee, and wear my collar, and accept my pain, and be mine. Because that’s what really living is about. I miss D/s so much.  

So why don’t I just suck it up and end things?

My mind is made up, I have a plan, I’ve made lists, and I really want to be on the other side, but I’m not ready. I’m just not. So, I’m giving myself some time… I think it is reasonable to allow myself some time… this year has kicked my ass. 

The Next Painful Step

I have been stuck in a pool of crap for a couple of months now and, let me tell you, it has been exhausting trying to keep my head out of it. Yes, it would probably be easier to just get out, but the thing is, stepping out into the unknown is utterly terrifying.

I have no excuse to stay with my husband any longer. I know I be able to make ends meet and that I can do it while taking care of the kids. I have plans and ideas thought out for other parts, however there’s a lot I won’t be able to work out until we start the divorce process. I hope we can work together rationally to get through this. If we can’t, I’m (probably) screwed.

The biggest thing holding me back is my kids. They are strong girls and I am capable of helping them work through it, I know they will be okay, I just… I don’t want to shatter their lives.

 This next step is going to be really tough.  

Past, Present, and Future

I can remember what it felt like when I realized he had given up and I was never going to be his sub. I was devastated. It felt like he had taken the life out of my veins. (For a better understanding, you can read this.)

Then, I found out that most of the pictures he looked at on Tumblr were of Dominant women. Which, btw, he now says he likes because they are good pictures… like he is only interested in the artistic value. *rolls eyes*  Like he’s going to look at naughty pictures that don’t get his juices flowing.

Getting back on track…

I was just glad to have D/s back on the table, ya’ know? It gave me purpose and direction. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I realized fairly quickly that it wasn’t going to work with me in control either, and I gave up completely on D/s. Interestingly enough, it was not as painful as it was losing D/s the first time.

Having that little bit of control gave me a different perspective and I started to see all the ways he wronged me and how I pushed it down and away. I hurt us a great deal by doing that, I should have spoken up. I had my reasons, and I was wrong. That’s not to lessen what he did, by any means, it’s just that I see where we both went wrong.

I do not regret bringing D/s into our lives. I am mad and hurt that… he did the things he did, but I no longer wish that it was different. I don’t want him to be my sub, I don’t want him to be my Dom, and I don’t want to be his vanilla wife. I don’t wish he had treated me differently, because I have a feeling our relationship has run its course exactly as it was meant to, and I’m headed somewhere better.

I am not in an ideal situation, life is hard and I’m tired, but this is my road, the same road I started on 35 years ago, I’m just getting ready to make a long, hard turn.

Bring it on!