Thoughts

Continuing to Define My Domme Side

I continually try to pick myself apart. What do I like? Why do I like that? Why don’t I like that? How did that make me feel? Where the hell did this woman come from, I know I wasn’t her a year ago… or was she there, just dormant? What other facets are part of my whole?

I need to know these things!!

Aside from my sadistic tendencies, I’m pretty sure being in control is also a big one for me– it could be a bigger part than my sadistic side, I really don’t know at this point.

I like having things my way. I like making them my way. I want to be in control, damnit!!!!! Like, thinking about my sub having certain freedoms, kinda feels like someone sandpapering my brain. It is not cool. Thinking about controlling my sub, as little as telling them what name to address me as, kinda feels wearing and petting my fur collars, or slipping into a warm bath. It does good things for my brain.

In some cases, I have found it is extremely difficult to not let this side of me surface. I know that certain things need to be in place before control is turned up a notch (or turned on at all), and when it is turned up, other things need to be in place before it is turned up again. Nevertheless, not having control makes the Domme in me restless and, sometimes, quite upset. I’m not sure if it is my ego or if there is something else going on, I just know I don’t know how to process it, yet.

I feel like control is what makes D/s (or M/s) sustainable — sadism can only take it so far. But, I romanticize control so maybe my view is a little biased…

Advertisements

Triad Goals

I don’t like to write in exacts because I know how fluid life can be. I know that if I find someone I like – their personality, beliefs, they aren’t stupid, etc. – and they don’t fit into my ideal life scenario, I am likely to adjust. Of course, there are things I will not budge on just like everyone else. I also know that my ideal will probably change and evolve as “real life” happens.

Having said that…

I want a girl and a boy sub. I don’t have a desire to have more subs than that.

I feel like I will thrive most in a triad. It is something I have fantasized about for quite some time– to have a girl in my arms and a boy at my feet. More than that, I want a life with both of them, one that involves love between us.

I want to be in control of both — I fiercely want that power. In the most extreme moments, I want to pick out their clothes and food, direct their entire day, have them cater to my every whim, bound them, tease them, hurt them… devour every bit of them that I can. In more relaxed moments, I want to hold them, watch them interact, enjoy the laughter and company of two people I love.

He would be my live-in puppet, the one that is always there, owned by me in all ways. She would have more freedom.

Ideally, she would have fun teasing him and using him. Ideally, he would take well to that treatment. She would never serve him because I find that deliciously unfair and, ya’ know, principles.

I would be their safe place and someone they can always count on. They would be my most valuable and I would care for them as such.

My thoughts flow with possibilities and it leaves me with a sense of life that reverberates through me like an electric charge. I want it to be more than mere fantasy.

As days move on, the more I feel it, the more I know I can make it happen, I just have to stay strong and keep fighting.

I have life and kids, which will always come first, and I have some odds that are against me, but I can’t stop the hope from being there.

Coffee is Definitely a Thing

The heavens shined down on me yesterday morning and I feel it is noteworthy.

She made me coffee.

That, in and of itself, was a fantasy come true.

I was delightfully surprised and amused when she became nervous after given the task. It was cute.

I honestly don’t know which was better, her nerves or having her make my coffee and bring it to me in bed.

And, ya’ know, seeing her walk to my kitchen with no clothes on, wasn’t horrible either.

I believe the only thing that could surpass that, is if she stayed in bed with me while the boy had to make coffee.

Well…

Okay…

I can definitely think of other ways to enhance a moment such as that.

Who I was and Who I am

I remember getting my way (most of the time) when I was younger. Make no mistake, I was not a princess, my childhood was severely lacking where my needs were concerned, but I did get my way. I knew how to manipulate my mother from a really young age, and I used it. I probably manipulated others along the way, as well. I did not do it on purpose, I see now that it was a cry for help, instead of me being a bad child, like I once believed. 

This carried on throughout my teens. I did what I wanted and when I wanted to. I did not care about the repercussions of my actions — hell, I didn’t even think about the repercussions. I used boys and I let them use me. I did a lot of drugs. I did a lot of stupid things and I avoided good things, like school, because they made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. By fifteen, I had lived well beyond my years. As destructive as that may seem, it is how I survived the chaos in my mind.

I’m not proud of any of this.

As a result of my reflection of the choices I made as a youth, I stopped trusting myself. I stopped putting myself in certain situations–ones that I felt I wouldn’t make the right choice. I was determined to change, and change I did. Unfortunately, I lost myself in the process. I was a shadow living in a world of gray. It was safe for those around me and I was safe, as well.

Fast forward to today, I am finding myself again. I am learning to trust myself and it feels really good. I have standards for myself. I will do right by the people I care about. More importantly, if I don’t do right (and I see it or it is pointed out to me), I will own it. I will continue to better myself. I will do my best and, from what I’ve seen in my lifetime, my best is a lot better than most peoples good. That has to count for something.

I know the type of Domme I want to be and I know I am more than capable.

I am starting to see I am worth following. I am worth it not because of the title, but because of who I am