I Wish it was Easy as Flipping a Switch

If anything is going to stop me from being a good Domme it is going to be my sense of self worth.

That is a scary thought.

I could destroy my chance at life — a real life.


It would be so much easier if I could put this on someone else! It would also be easier if I told myself that I will never be able to change, the cut is too deep to heal. “You’ll always be this broken little girl, Dixie, and you’ll never be the Domme you want to be. Just give up before you hurt anyone.”

Just typing those words feels like slipping on an old comfortable pair of pants. It just… fits.

So, by telling myself that I am not enough, has made me not enough.

*Head wall*

People have told me that I am special… Actually, I don’t even remember if that’s what they said. I clearly was not listening to a word they were saying. I have completely dismissed what people have told me — people I love, people I respect, and people I trust.


So, what am I going to do about it?

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Every time I tell myself, “You are good enough,” there is a louder voice screaming back, “No you’re not, and you know it!”

At this point, all I know is that I have to change because I need this life, and I am not going to be the one who ruins it.


A Worry

I worry that I’m a fake. That I’m just trying to convince myself that I am Domme, that I can actually own someone the way I want to own them without letting them down.

If you knew the kind of sub I was, you might understand. Let’s just say it fit me well. Really well.

There is a part of me that believes I can make a damn good Domme — it’s just going to take a lot more effort because I’m not a natural.

I don’t know what else to say…

I just want to get these feelings out in the open where they can’t hold me down anymore.

Growth Hurts – in a bad way with a (hopefully) good outcome

I have been in this self-growth stage for a while now. To be honest, I’m tired of it. I am ready to be the person I want to be. Well, that’s not entirely true, if I was ready, I would be the person I want to be. The problem is, I don’t want to see how I let myself down, how I got myself in this mess, how I had it all wrong.

*sigh* But, I can’t change without looking at those things.

Taking on this new role has done so much for me. I want to talk about it, I have tried to write about it. I felt the best way to explain was to start with who I was before, so I started there. I wrote a whole post, then I listened to what I wrote. I heard it from an outside perspective. I do not like what I read. I do not want to share what I wrote.

I have shared a lot about myself on this blog and my last blog, but this… I reached some kind of limit as to how deep I’m willing to go within my broken parts. It is one thing to reflect on them by myself and a completely other thing to share them on the world wide web.

Maybe it isn’t as bad as I think.

It probably isn’t.

I can’t help but think, “What if I could help someone?”

I don’t know. Maybe one day, but today is not the day.

I can tell you that it will fuel me to be the Domme I want to be and I know I am worth more than what I once believed.

The Ache

It starts out small, just a spec of dust floating inside me, easy enough to ignore. Then it doubles and triples, and, before I know it, it grows into this… thing. It grows until it takes up so much space that I feel like I can’t breathe. It doesn’t want to be there anymore than I want it there, so it claws at me, like it was buried alive inside my chest.

It pulls me into the dark just to shine a light on my broken pieces. It tells me horrible things until I am twisted and drowning. It wants out and it will do and say anything to get what it wants.

You see, it is starving. Unlike living things it won’t die from starvation, it grows. It gets louder. It claws harder. And it won’t stop.

It makes me feel weak and fucked up.

Over 4 years and I still haven’t been able to “just live with it” when it shows up. It hurts just like it did the first time and it will be the same every fucking time. I do, however, have a better understanding of it and it is…familiar.

It is the ache. It is the itch. It is me trying to be me, without a way to be me.


I am stuck in the present, fighting my past to become who I want to be. It is very uncomfortable and I just want it to be done. I want to be on the other side.

I went through this as a sub and I didn’t want to do it again, alas, here I am. *sigh*

I have not been happy with myself lately because I know I can be more. The future me is waiting impatiently behind the curtain for her time. I’d let her out if I knew how…

There is so much I have to overcome and so much that I’m up against…

I have been this other way for so long and I know it takes time to change, but, damnit, I want to be more right this second.

Liking It; The Struggle Is Real

When one first steps into the pool of BDSM it can be quite shocking to find out that you like things that are… well… not normal things that might be considered crazy. It just might turn out that you like a lot of those not-so-normal things and start to crave them, and that can feel pretty messed up.

When you’re new it takes time for those things to sink in. It takes time for you to accept that they are okay to like and they are not bad (as long as you like it and the one you’re doing it with likes it). And, eventually, those things don’t feel so fucked up… or they may still feel fucked up, but they make sense, in a weird, fucked up way.

Submission is soooooo hard in the beginning, but it might actually be a bit harder for new Dominants… or perhaps it is equally hard, and it is the types of hard that are different… nevertheless, it is hard.

I will just talk about “liking it” in this post.

We are taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. Hurting people is bad. Making fun of people is bad. Using people selfishly is bad. This does not mesh well with Dominance, at all.

Even I, who had a few years of submission under my belt, had trouble accepting that it is okay to like it. I know how submission works, I know why it works, I know what makes it thrive… I knew this, yet, I still felt guilty for doing it, for wanting it, for getting turned on by it, as a Dominant.

“I should not like these things,” ran through my head regularly. It is not easy to keep Dominating when you feel like it shouldn’t be okay.

I experienced a recoil, of sorts, often. I would do Dominant things and it was so wonderful in the moment. I would be stretched out in a good way, but then afterwards, I would start to really think about what I had done and how much I liked it. I would start to feel really fucked up, that’s when I would recoil. Same thing happened to me as a sub, but this time, I was the Dominant doing the “dirty work.” And, if I stopped, it all stopped, and I did not want it to stop. There was no “just do what I’m told, push through.”

I hate to admit it, but I can remember many times, as a submissive, thinking, “Why is it so hard for him to xyz?” … “Why doesn’t he just xyz?”

Yeah, my bad.

So, how did I get past it?


Not giving up.

Figuring out that it is truly okay, as long as the one I’m doing it to, wants it.

And, the most important (in my eyes), a wonderful submissive (not my husband!) that encouraged my Dominance. He managed to give me a spot to build a foundation without pressuring me into it. He never made me feel like I was doing something wrong or that I needed to be more than what I was in that moment (I did want to be more, I still want to be more, but that’s another post). His acceptance of me allowed me to accept myself.

Side note: Kinda neat how that acceptance works both ways.