Struggles

Impatient

I am stuck in the present, fighting my past to become who I want to be. It is very uncomfortable and I just want it to be done. I want to be on the other side.

I went through this as a sub and I didn’t want to do it again, alas, here I am. *sigh*

I have not been happy with myself lately because I know I can be more. The future me is waiting impatiently behind the curtain for her time. I’d let her out if I knew how…

There is so much I have to overcome and so much that I’m up against…

I have been this other way for so long and I know it takes time to change, but, damnit, I want to be more right this second.

Advertisements

Liking It; The Struggle Is Real

When one first steps into the pool of BDSM it can be quite shocking to find out that you like things that are… well… not normal things that might be considered crazy. It just might turn out that you like a lot of those not-so-normal things and start to crave them, and that can feel pretty messed up.

When you’re new it takes time for those things to sink in. It takes time for you to accept that they are okay to like and they are not bad (as long as you like it and the one you’re doing it with likes it). And, eventually, those things don’t feel so fucked up… or they may still feel fucked up, but they make sense, in a weird, fucked up way.

Submission is soooooo hard in the beginning, but it might actually be a bit harder for new Dominants… or perhaps it is equally hard, and it is the types of hard that are different… nevertheless, it is hard.

I will just talk about “liking it” in this post.

We are taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. Hurting people is bad. Making fun of people is bad. Using people selfishly is bad. This does not mesh well with Dominance, at all.

Even I, who had a few years of submission under my belt, had trouble accepting that it is okay to like it. I know how submission works, I know why it works, I know what makes it thrive… I knew this, yet, I still felt guilty for doing it, for wanting it, for getting turned on by it, as a Dominant.

“I should not like these things,” ran through my head regularly. It is not easy to keep Dominating when you feel like it shouldn’t be okay.

I experienced a recoil, of sorts, often. I would do Dominant things and it was so wonderful in the moment. I would be stretched out in a good way, but then afterwards, I would start to really think about what I had done and how much I liked it. I would start to feel really fucked up, that’s when I would recoil. Same thing happened to me as a sub, but this time, I was the Dominant doing the “dirty work.” And, if I stopped, it all stopped, and I did not want it to stop. There was no “just do what I’m told, push through.”

I hate to admit it, but I can remember many times, as a submissive, thinking, “Why is it so hard for him to xyz?” … “Why doesn’t he just xyz?”

Yeah, my bad.

So, how did I get past it?

Time.

Not giving up.

Figuring out that it is truly okay, as long as the one I’m doing it to, wants it.

And, the most important (in my eyes), a wonderful submissive (not my husband!) that encouraged my Dominance. He managed to give me a spot to build a foundation without pressuring me into it. He never made me feel like I was doing something wrong or that I needed to be more than what I was in that moment (I did want to be more, I still want to be more, but that’s another post). His acceptance of me allowed me to accept myself.

Side note: Kinda neat how that acceptance works both ways.

Thoughts About Blogging

I’m a little hesitant to write about the evil that lurks within me because of how it might be viewed. It’s not that I care how you view me, I care about the way I portray how I think and feel, if that makes sense. 

I enjoy reading blogs written by all types of people on all walks through BDSM. I especially enjoy deliciously evil Dommes in committed, long term relationships – there are so few in blogland (that I have found) – because I feel they get the most out of their relationships, and I want that. However, there is a lot lurking behind their words that isn’t always easy for readers to see. It is easy to see the evil and miss reasons. 

I don’t want you to miss my reason. I want you to see how I care and love through my evil. But, maybe that is a bit too ambitious? 

I also have noticed that I am not as open about my struggles as I was when I was a sub. I honestly can’t tell you why, but I think that needs to change. Dominants struggle and I am not an exception to that.

I am here to share my journey and have a place to express my feelings openly and honestly… somehow, I forgot that. 

No Longer Blinded by Love 

Leaving my husband isn’t an idea I’ve stepped into lightly. I have questioned myself, over and over. I wondered if I had enough reason to warrant a divorce, if I was doing right by my kids… if this really is the best choice. 

Finding the lifestyle added colors to my world that I didn’t know exsisted, it pumped life into my veins, and I found a place where I belonged. It is who I am, not something I do just for fun. 

And I was willing to give that up for him, because what we had meant more to me than that. 

After we switched I started to see things more clearly, and ever since pieces of his stupidity just keep coming, which just makes my decision easier. 

Even he has admitted that he had it wrong, he is finally accepting responsibility for it, and that’s great, but he has done too much damage. He has shown me that, all this time… he never really saw me. He never even tried. 

So fuck him. 

I shared a big chunk of my baggage on my last blog and I guess there’s no real reason not to share it here. It is a bit of a read, but here ya’ go

He actually admitted that he took my history as an exaggeration — that I just wanted some attention (which is really quite interesting considering I never wanted to talk about it). He thought I wasn’t being truthful about the effect that shit had on me. He thought I used it as an excuse, not a reason. 

All this time, he has thought this about me.

He has found me in deep depressions, and yelled at me. 

He has even taken my fear of failing as a parent and turned it around on me… all because I forgot to plan dinner. 

Fuck him. 

I know my choice is right. I know that being with him is not what is best for me or my girls.  I will never trust him again, there’s nothing he can do or say to change that. He has proven that he is not worth my time or effort. 

Can I Be a Good Domme?

I’m not a natural dominant, which makes me question if I could maintain a D/s relationship. I fear getting into a relationship, with the end goal being D/s, and not being able to hold up my end of the bargain. While I will admit this fear might be a tad irrational, I think it is rational to question my abilities… or perhaps question if a non-natural dominant, such as myself, can maintain a happy, fulfilling power exchange relationship. 

I really want to think that you don’t have to be a natural dominant to be a good Dominant, and I would hate for that want to cloud my view of reality. 

I can talk about what I would do all day -how I would handle struggles, how I could torture my sub, etc. -, but until I actually do it… I can only speculate.  

I know…

  • I was wasn’t strong enough to manage my husband
  • My confidence is seriously lacking, which is a big problem
  • I am an overthinker, and sometimes it gets so bad that it hinders action 
  • I want it more than I’ve wanted anything in a long time
  • I get turned on by the thought of having power over someone that is special to me
  • I have a good idea of how a healthy D/s relationship should work

I’m sure there is more I could add…

I guess I’m fearful of the unknown… I don’t want to fail someone and let myself down in the process. 

More Purging

My husband can be a dick, but he doesn’t do it to be a dick. He doesn’t set out to make me feel bad, it’s the way he emotes. He is also highly opinionated, has stupid expectations, and is selfish. Don’t get me wrong, he has good attributes as well. He has an amazing work ethic, he contributes around the house, he is a do-it-yourselfer, and, for the most part, he is a good dad (we can all do better there, eh).

I shook his world when we switched places. I knew it would happen. I’ve been there and remember how it felt — like my skin had been ripped off and the whole word could see and poke at every bit of my soul. He didn’t know how to deal with it, but I was there for him damn it, and I got shit on. I cleaned myself off and got shit on again, and again, and again. 

I might have been able to press on had I been more confident and if he hadn’t neglected my submission for three years, but it was what it was, and I couldn’t handle it. I was ridiculously sensitive to his reactions. Unfortunately, things quickly crumbled.

I’m left feeling hurt and angry.

He is hurt and angry.

And… I don’t think we’re going to make it out of this together.

The Reality I Failed to See

I’m at a point where I feel a need to start purging my thoughts about my current situation with my husband. FYI, it’s messy.

I am not a nagging wife and I don’t like saying, or thinking, bad things about my husband. In other words, this isn’t about me pointing out his wrongs, this is me acknowledging that I matter.

I adored my husband. He was my world. He was my fresh air in a lifetime of smog. He gave me a life I didn’t think I would ever have. So I pushed aside, put up with, and overlooked many things because I knew life could be a lot worse. I knew I didn’t have it bad, and it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t ever good either. It didn’t start when we became kinky, it just got worse.

I didn’t see it until we switched. I didn’t want to see it.

Before, when I was his sub, and even before that, it was easy to blame myself. I was the one who needed to adjust, I needed to change to meet his needs, etc.. But, it’s different now.

It was, and still is, very confusing. It started of with a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like, the way I was being treated and had been treated wasn’t right. There was/is a huge internal struggle of figuring out what is real. I listened to myself think (overthinker, I am) and I could hear words from the abused. I would justify his actions, blame myself, etc.. I paid attention to how he made me feel, and it wasn’t good. In fact, he makes me feel bad more often than not.

I know on some level I accepted it because I don’t have a clear view of what I should expect — a result of childhood trauma. While I won’t use that as a way to justify his actions, I will take responsibility for putting up with it and, by doing so, enabling him.

I deserve better treatment. I’m standing up for myself, doing things that make me feel good about being me, and he’s not all that happy with who I am trying to be.