How my Dominance ticks

I Want a Puppet, Not Play

I didn’t find D/s through the BDSM community, I entered by way of blogs and my Dom was my husband of twelve years. I didn’t have to worry about predators and finding the right Dom. I didn’t have to build trust the same way people do with new partners. I haven’t had play partners (Dom or sub), therefore I have never had to follow the rules that go along with that. I have never been to a play party or anything other than a munch — and the only munch I’ve been to was this month, five years after finding D/s. What I’m trying to say is that my views were not formed by the scene. And now I’m (somewhat) stepping into it and I feel like I’m in a completely different world. Things are just not done the same way, and there are good reasons for it.

I completely understand the need for protecting new subs with a bunch of guidelines, spreading the word about what they should expect and what they should absolutely not put up with. There needs to be rules for play parties, dungeons, and all that. I also think new Dom/mes should be armed, as well. It is a crazy world out there to begin with, add BDSM and… you just need to be even more careful.

I think the BDSM scene will end up being a world I only visit. I can’t see myself submerging in it ’cause there’s this other world that is… my home. I am excited to meet kinky people, I am excited to learn, but when faced with play parters and such, I just can’t seem to get excited. It’s like… meh, that’s cool, but look over here! Look at this!

There’s a boi kneeling for me. I could pass over a million kneeling subs without a second glance, because they aren’t kneeling for me. This one doesn’t kneel because he is a sub, he kneels because he is my slave. He is there for me — to please me, obey me, endure for me. He is my puppet. He will be whatever I want him to be. My personal massage therapist, done. My sex toy, done. My crying, helpless bitch, done. We don’t negotiate, his limits are where I put them, I don’t need his consent because he is mine. It doesn’t end, the chains don’t disappear, we don’t part ways. He is mine, always.

That is what I am invested in. That’s what feeds me and calms my mind. I know there is a lot of surface I could scratch, but I want depth.

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Finding My Colors

I don’t want notches on my belt.

I want a soul.

I don’t want a store of jewels.

I want one or two priceless jewels to keep in my pocket.

That is what I am about.

Intense, all in, long-term, intimate, out of this world special.

Let’s go deep, and when we get there, I’ll take you deeper.

You can’t get there just playing around.

Maybe it was the way I came into D/s. Maybe it was the way I endured. I don’t know, but it is what sits in my bones.

I am obsessed with it.

I’ve done the “temporary” (vanilla) thing. It is emptiness that attempts to fill up lonely space.

But, here’s the thing, if that jewel was in my pocket, safe and sound, I would love to find a female sub to call my own — temporary with the possibility of taking that other spot in my pocket.

I can’t seem to make myself do it the other way around, or any other way, so it is what it is, and I’m good with that.

I Stir with Desire

She stirs behind the curtain I have yet to pull back. She’ll have to keep waiting because I will not let her out until it is safe to do so. I hear her, I feel her in the stillness of the night.

I know what she wants. And she scares me.

It will not be easy for him. Physical pain. Mental pain. Preferably both. She’ll drag it out for everything she can get. She’ll build anticipation and watch him squirm. She’ll dig and dig until she gets what she wants. Fear in his eyes, body shaking with adrenaline, tears, whimpers of humiliation and grunts of pain… she’ll take it all. She’ll use his fears, his guilt, his fantasies… she’ll use it all.

She’ll break him.

And, one day, I’ll let her.

I’ll let her do it again, and again, and again. And I’ll put him back together every time.

I’ll let her because I love him and he loves me. I want the intimacy, she wants to feed, and together we will live. We’ll thrive with him.

When he says, “Please don’t,” I will hear his soul say, “I love you, I am yours, do whatever you want,” because I will own his soul. I’m selfish enough to take his soul, I’ll take better care of it than he ever will, so it all works out… right?

He won’t be able to fool me, but I’ll let him beg anyway, because it makes her tingle. She won’t worry about it being too much. She won’t feel sorry for him. She won’t want his pain to stop.

And that is scary.

Will she change me?

I know he can take it. I know he wants it. And I wouldn’t dare do it with someone that wouldn’t respond well to such treatment, because that’s not what she’s about, nor what I am about.

I melt at the though of what he will offer, and she sits behind the curtain stirring with pure desire.

Punishment

I have written a little bit about punishment before, but it is a topic I really enjoy talking about, so here we are.

Does D/s (or any variation of) have to have punishment?

Yeah, I think it does.

Merriam-Webster defines punishment as…

1: the act of punishing

2 a : suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution

b : a penalty inflicted on an offender through judicial procedure

3: severe, rough, or disastrous treatment

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t disappointing your Dom-type a painful penalty of wrongdoing? Is it not suffering? When a sub is reprimanded, isn’t that a form of punishment?

If you ask me, yes.

This is part of what makes a sub strive to be better. If there was no guilt for doing wrong, I imagine nothing would change, they would not grow. If they are not reprimanded they don’t know they did something wrong.

I don’t see how D/s can work without that. I’d enjoy hearing from anyone who has a different view.

Personally, I LOVE the more active(?) type of punishments. Spanking, beating, denying, humiliating, given a tedious task, torture of any kind… oh there are so many ways and they are all so wonderful. Okay, maybe that is an exaggeration, there are probably one or two out there that I wouldn’t like to dish out. Nevertheless, it’s like being a kid in a candy store.

Punishing my sub is a way of showing I care. I want them to be the best they can be. I want our relationship to be the best it can be.

It is a way to move past the infraction. Not just for the sub, but for me as well. Guilt is a heavy burden for some sub-types to carry, how will they be able to be their best while carrying around all that weight? Well, they won’t, and I’m not down with that. If I am truly hurt or offended by something my sub does, how wonderful it will be to rid myself of that by “getting payback”!

I also think it will be great fun to put them in a situation that will end with me punishing them no matter what. You know, add a little spice to the day, just for fun.

And, not to mention, it is a HUGE turn on for me.

*dreamy sigh* I love punishments.

Just Reflecting (and some things that turn me on)

Due to what turned me on as a submissive and the kind of submissive I ached to be in my day-to-day led me to believe I would not enjoy being a Dominant. I was so sure submission was my place. At first I used my submission to play the Dominant, not be the Dominant. I wanted a Master to serve and a collar around my neck.

But then I did… stuff.

I did some mean stuff. I had massages when I wanted them. I had him dry me off after a shower. I used him sexually. I spanked him.

And, as it turned out, I really enjoyed myself and so did my vagina.

One night, I found myself dressed in nothing but heels and a strap-on, bending him over the bed and fucking his ass. I assumed I would like it, but it ended up being more than a like. I was literally dripping down my legs. I remember thinking, “What the hell is going on down there?” I also remember thinking it would be better (for me) if he enjoyed it a little less.

So, yeah…

I don’t want to be submissive anymore, but I am glad I was one.

It is interesting, the ideas I have about the way D/s works have stayed the same. And the same things turn me on, just in a different way. It also shaped some beliefs of what I see as Dominant and submissive acts.

For example, I do not plan on giving another blow job and I will definitely not allow my (male) sub to cum on my body. (My hand, okay, but that’s where I draw the line.) I gave many blow jobs as a sub, not because I enjoyed them, but because I enjoyed pleasing him, which made it an act of submission. It was humiliating when he came on my body or face. Therefore, I cannot picture myself doing either as a Domme. However!, my vagina and I are totally okay with sticking my cock down his throat and having him cum on himself.

I also still want a group of three, except now I want two subs instead of being the bottom sub.

My opinions about punishment, chores, service, etc., have stayed the same. Although they might have evolved a little.

I want to treat my sub the way I wanted to be treated. Cruelly, like a thing… because I love them.

I expect the same things of my sub as I expected of myself as a sub — to obey and be pleasing.

I could go on and on.

It’s kinda neat how things have turned out.

What If…

I’ve been thinking along the same lines as my last post, wondering what if I had someone that was able and willing to give me everything I want… what would I do with that? What would I want? What kind of Domme would I be with someone willing to give me their all and allow me to take the rest?

These questions are not so easy to answer because I’m new and I’m really good at overthinking. I mean, what if this sub has physical limitations. Have they been through any traumatic experiences? Do they eat well and exercise? Are they a woman or a man? Do they like things in their bottom? What kind of goals do they have?… all important things to know! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

But, all the details aside, when you get to the bottom of it, I want the freedom to do want I want to do. 

Of course, I want the relationship to be healthy, safe, and consensual. I want them to thrive. I want them to love being mine.   

But, yeah, I want freedom. 

I want them to be open to trying new things. I want them to struggle and suffer. I want to see tears. I want to be mean. I want to be unfair. I want them to endure for me.