I had my second weekend without the kiddos. It is strange not having them around. The house is so quiet. There is no one to look after, no reason to hurry, no one to feed and water, no interruptions, which is relaxing. On the other side, I miss them. I miss their laughter and hugs. They are my art buddies. I miss them telling how to do things on Minecraft (that I will never actually do) — I think they just like telling me things I don’t already know. I miss their company, even though it comes with a lot of extra work.
It is all so new, I’m not sure what to do with myself.
So I left my vibrators out. I watched tv. I played a video game. I knitted. I spent quite a bit of time naked. You know, just because. This is me slowly spreading my wings.
I did chores around the house, as well, but that’s boring to talk about.
I really want to get to a place where I am comfortable being alone. I want to figure out who I am with out all the distractions that pull me in different directions. I can’t recall ever having the opportunity to do this, or giving myself the opportunity.
I also have done some self-reflecting (I know, totally surprising). I have a list of things that I want to change about myself and have wanted to change for a while now. I get so frustrated because it feels like I’m not changing, at all. However, given what I have been through the past few years, and my whole life for that matter, I probably shouldn’t be too hard on myself. And, after looking back, I have come so far.
I read some posts from my old blog. I was so sad back then. I hated myself in all ways, I didn’t feel like I mattered or deserved better. I was broken. My place was being used because that’s all I was good for, that’s all I could do right.
I am not that person anymore. I am so much more… I was so much more.
Sure, I still have bad moments and I fall. It hurts. And it is ugly. However, I don’t feel helpless anymore. I hate that I fall, but I don’t hate myself. I don’t feel guilty all the time. I fight harder. I see clearer. I have goals. I am changing.