Author: Ms. Dixie Wrecked

I'm a 30-something wife and a mother of two.

Just Reflecting (and some things that turn me on)

Due to what turned me on as a submissive and the kind of submissive I ached to be in my day-to-day led me to believe I would not enjoy being a Dominant. I was so sure submission was my place. At first I used my submission to play the Dominant, not be the Dominant. I wanted a Master to serve and a collar around my neck.

But then I did… stuff.

I did some mean stuff. I had massages when I wanted them. I had him dry me off after a shower. I used him sexually. I spanked him.

And, as it turned out, I really enjoyed myself and so did my vagina.

One night, I found myself dressed in nothing but heels and a strap-on, bending him over the bed and fucking his ass. I assumed I would like it, but it ended up being more than a like. I was literally dripping down my legs. I remember thinking, “What the hell is going on down there?” I also remember thinking it would be better (for me) if he enjoyed it a little less.

So, yeah…

I don’t want to be submissive anymore, but I am glad I was one.

It is interesting, the ideas I have about the way D/s works have stayed the same. And the same things turn me on, just in a different way. It also shaped some beliefs of what I see as Dominant and submissive acts.

For example, I do not plan on giving another blow job and I will definitely not allow my (male) sub to cum on my body. (My hand, okay, but that’s where I draw the line.) I gave many blow jobs as a sub, not because I enjoyed them, but because I enjoyed pleasing him, which made it an act of submission. It was humiliating when he came on my body or face. Therefore, I cannot picture myself doing either as a Domme. However!, my vagina and I are totally okay with sticking my cock down his throat and having him cum on himself.

I also still want a group of three, except now I want two subs instead of being the bottom sub.

My opinions about punishment, chores, service, etc., have stayed the same. Although they might have evolved a little.

I want to treat my sub the way I wanted to be treated. Cruelly, like a thing… because I love them.

I expect the same things of my sub as I expected of myself as a sub — to obey and be pleasing.

I could go on and on.

It’s kinda neat how things have turned out.

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Coffin for One

Both of my parents taught me not to trust.

My dad taught me that anyone can be a monster. They are hiding everywhere, just waiting to strikeThey walk down your street. They shop in the same store you do. They are on the other side of the computer screen. They pretend to be your dad, when all they really are is a demon that spawned you. They are everywhere.

My mom taught me that I can’t trust anyone to be there for me. I’m on my own. Always. You are growing into a woman, you’re on your own. Your dad did something horrible to you, you’re own your own. You are doing drugs at 11 years old, that’s your choice. You keep missing school, that’s on you. Your problems are your problems, deal with them on your own, ’cause I’m going to sit here on the couch and drink my beer while I look the other way.

Not trusting is my default.

Sometimes I forget and life doesn’t seem so dark, but then, something happens (it can even be something totally unrelated) and I remember what my parents taught me.

When I am feeling good, I can tell myself, “That’s not what is happening now, you can trust, you are safe, it is okay.” However, when I am feeling down, it confirms my default setting as truth…even when it’s not really true.

I put up a wall that I don’t want to put up. It is a poison that corrupts my soul. It takes away my hope, it takes away my vision of the future, and gives me a ticket to comfortable coffin for one.

Tired

I’m tired of trying to figure out who I am and how I’m supposed to be.

Tired of trying to figure out how to find the strength to leave my husband.

Tired of trying to figure out how to take care of my kids without ending up homeless.

Tired of aching.

Tired if hurting.

I’m just fucking tired.

Impatient

I am stuck in the present, fighting my past to become who I want to be. It is very uncomfortable and I just want it to be done. I want to be on the other side.

I went through this as a sub and I didn’t want to do it again, alas, here I am. *sigh*

I have not been happy with myself lately because I know I can be more. The future me is waiting impatiently behind the curtain for her time. I’d let her out if I knew how…

There is so much I have to overcome and so much that I’m up against…

I have been this other way for so long and I know it takes time to change, but, damnit, I want to be more right this second.

Feeling Pretty Awesome

I was so nicely nominated twice for the Liebster. Thank you Scarlet and furcissy, I really appreciate the thought.

There are some rules that go along with this award – I’m supposed to answer questions and nominate people and ask them questions – but, I’m going to break the rules (Dommes can do that, right?), and just answer the questions I was asked…. ’cause that’s the part I enjoy.

Questions from furcissy

1. If you were a cartoon character, who would you be?

This is question is kicking my butt… Characters from cartoons my kids watch keep popping in my head, but I’m no ghoul or pony (although Rainbow Dash is pretty awesome). I’m not completely satisfied with my choice but, I’m gonna go with Elsa from Frozen. She hid an important part of herself to protect those around her and learned the hard way that it was better to embrace that side of her rather than stifle it. She is a queen. And, come on, she can magically make a house out of ice, how cool is that? I could also make furcissy his own personal snow flurry so he could wear his earmuffs all the time… I’m thoughtful like that.

2. If napalm in the morning smells like victory, what do you think defeat smells like?

Poop.

3. What did you want to be when you grew up?  Are you that now?

I wanted to be an artist or a veterinarian. Art is a hobby of mine, so, yes, I am an artist. I am not disappointed to say that I am not a veterinarian.

4. If you knew you were going to be stranded on a deserted island, aside from food/water, what are three things you couldn’t live without?

Easy. A solar powered communication device that works anywhere in the world so I can call someone to get my ass out of there, a slave, and enough coffee to last me until I was rescued.

5. If you were the owner of a magic wish-granting machine, who would you let use it?  Why?

No one, because wishes end up backfiring and I do believe there is a reason why things happen the way they do.

6. If someone said to you, “I am the alpha and omega,” how would you respond to them?

🙄

7. Do you think that dreams have meaning?<<
Definitely.

8. If you could start over with D/s (including your resetting mind’s and body’s responses), would you still choose the same role?  Why?<<
I would not change a thing, I am on this path for a reason.

9. Do you enjoy feeling naughty?  Is it better or worse than nice?<<<
Being naughty is fun! Hmmm, I guess it would depend on the situation and who I was being naughty or nice to.

10. Are you glad that you started blogging?  Why?<<<
Through blogging I found a voice I didn't know I had, I can look back to see how far I have come, I have learned so much and made connections that have impacted my life… I am so glad I started blogging.

Questions from Scarlet

1. How long have you been writing and how did you begin?<<<
I started my other blog a little over four years ago. I began because I was inspired by a writer to share my journey, the ups and downs and everything in between.

2. What is the thing you love most about D/s and the community?<<<
I love the way D/s makes me feel. When I am in its mist, life pushes the poison from my veins and I feel alive. I make sense this way.

I can't say I am involved in the community, as I only have few people I chat with online.

3. If cream is to coffee what milk is to chocolate, _______ is to you as what is to tea?<<<
Sugar.

4. What is your five year plan?*stressed look* I am still working on my one year plan.

5. If you could have any job in the world, money and education no object, what would you choose?<<<
Art. I would make beautiful things through art.

6. If you could right one “wrong” about the world we live in what would it be?<<<
Mental illness… they're bitches.

7. If I asked you to murder one person, no consequences, would you? And if so, who would it be?<<<
Yes, I would — no doubt, and no hesitation. My dad. (Feel free to judge, I probably would if I were you, but it is not without good reason.)

8. What ruined your generation?<<<
MySpace.

9. What is your biggest failure?<<<
My education.

10. What inspires you to blog?<<<
Readers, and I want to be heard.

Thanks again for nominating me. It was fun to answer the questions.

‘Tis the Time for Treats

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza! 

The hardest part of this great event is actually picking a recipe. In years past I have pretty much waited until the last day or two to make up my mind. This year was not an exception, however, one cannot complain when the result is the best chocolate cake in the world sitting on my table.

Okay, I am sure there is a better cake out there, but this one really is quite lovely — I wouldn’t be sharing it with you if it wasn’t. I have used it for birthdays and just because, and always get compliments from others. I’m sure it would go well with a cup of coffee in the morning… and a small piece after lunch would be a wonderful treat… not that I know anything about that… ahem.

I asked my kids for a review.

Oldest… “It is perfect!” (*smug look*)

Youngest… “It is too chocolaty.” (*gasp* Impossible!)

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Chocolate Cake

Chocolate Cake

  • 1 3/4 cups sugar
  • 2 cups flour
  • 3/4 cup baking cocoa
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1/2 cup of oil
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla
  • 3/4 cup of hot, strong coffee (or hot water)
  1. Heat oven to 350°F.
  2. Grease and flour two 9in round baking pans. (I put parchment paper in the bottom of mine).
  3. Stir dry ingredients together.
  4. Add eggs, milk, oil, and vanilla, and mix for a couple of minutes.
  5. Stir in coffee. It will be thin.
  6. Pour into pans.
  7. Bake for 30-35 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean.
  8. Cool for 5-10 minutes before you try to remove from the pans.

If you are looking for a good icing, this is absolutely my favorite.

Here is a list of all the other bloggers participating, I do hope you take the time to check them out. Also, a special thanks for Jz for putting in the work to make this happen — you’re awesome.

Baker
Bleue
blossom
Bogey and Bacall
Cat
collaredmom
DelFonte
Ella
Greengirl
Jz
Katie
Kelly
Lindy
Mrs. Fever
nilla
Olivia
ronnie
Ryan
Sassy
selkie (recipe here)

Mark Your Calendars

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza is coming on December 7th!!

Check out the details here, but, basically, it is a day of recipe fun.

There are a few things I’d like to point out.

  • The recipes are not limited to cookies. I have participated three times and not one of my recipes were for cookies. (What can I say, I’m a rebel.)
  • It is a great way to find new blogs and for new people to find your blog.
  • I have seen people mix kink in their post, some share links to recipes they’ve found online, others just post their recipe, and everything in between. The important part is to have fun.
  • If you want to participate (and, really, why wouldn’t you?) you need to sign up by December 5th. For sign up info go to either link in this post.

Also, gotta give Jz, at A Reluctant Bitch, a shout-out because she makes this event possible and I really enjoy her blog. Please go check her out even if you aren’t interested in the extravaganza.