Author: Ms. Dixie Wrecked

Who I was and Who I am

I remember getting my way (most of the time) when I was younger. Make no mistake, I was not a princess, my childhood was severely lacking where my needs were concerned, but I did get my way. I knew how to manipulate my mother from a really young age, and I used it. I probably manipulated others along the way, as well. I did not do it on purpose, I see now that it was a cry for help, instead of me being a bad child, like I once believed. 

This carried on throughout my teens. I did what I wanted and when I wanted to. I did not care about the repercussions of my actions — hell, I didn’t even think about the repercussions. I used boys and I let them use me. I did a lot of drugs. I did a lot of stupid things and I avoided good things, like school, because they made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. By fifteen, I had lived well beyond my years. As destructive as that may seem, it is how I survived the chaos in my mind.

I’m not proud of any of this.

As a result of my reflection of the choices I made as a youth, I stopped trusting myself. I stopped putting myself in certain situations–ones that I felt I wouldn’t make the right choice. I was determined to change, and change I did. Unfortunately, I lost myself in the process. I was a shadow living in a world of gray. It was safe for those around me and I was safe, as well.

Fast forward to today, I am finding myself again. I am learning to trust myself and it feels really good. I have standards for myself. I will do right by the people I care about. More importantly, if I don’t do right (and I see it or it is pointed out to me), I will own it. I will continue to better myself. I will do my best and, from what I’ve seen in my lifetime, my best is a lot better than most peoples good. That has to count for something.

I know the type of Domme I want to be and I know I am more than capable.

I am starting to see I am worth following. I am worth it not because of the title, but because of who I am

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Absent

I don’t know how to write here anymore. I’ve always been a journal blogger, and I don’t feel like I can do that anymore. It doesn’t feel safe and it doesn’t feel right — there are too many factors, too many people, too many of a lot of things.

And it sucks.

I want to get back into it because I truly enjoy it. I feel like I have information to share. I feel like I have emotional build-up to purge. I know I have exciting things to share. But, none of that is enough to get the words flowing the way I want them to.

I haven’t given up completely… maybe things will change.

Let’s run away (let’s run away),
Find ourselves a new place
Let’s run away
And find ourselves

Let’s run away, run away
Four walls built a cage
Let’s run away, run away
Four walls built a cage

Don’t let the cloud of dust settle in your lungs
Or the hourglass begin to run out
Let’s make sand castles while we can
Cause we’ll age and then someday
We will look back and say
What ravishing lives that we lived
What fascinating places we went

Love Complicates Mistakes

Love makes it hurt in places you didn’t know were there.

But, then to realize those places are there… that they somehow weaved their way in so deep, deeper than what I already knew… it makes me feel like there is more to fight for. And more to hold on to.

The chaos within, that love and pain create, eats away my energy. Pain clouds the path and love clears it, over and over. Love also blinds and pain fuels me. It is all a tangled mess. I take steps when I can and crumble when I can’t.

I am tired.

Nevertheless, I know how to fight for myself.

I am picky about the people I let into my heart and mind because I know how long and how hard I will fight for them. I know what I’m committing to. I have lived and seen enough to know what is worth fighting for.

My love hasn’t lessened.

I still want what I want, ’cause I’m hardheaded like that.

It would hurt me more to walk away.

I still want you.

But, make no mistake, I will not do this again and I expect more.