Hindsight and (a bit of) Forethought

When I divorced my husband in 2018, I had expectations and ideas for my future. Leaving him was a major step toward making my desires and ideas a reality. Here we are, at the end of 2019 and it feels like I am further away from that reality than I was in 2018.

Maybe I’m closer than I realize.

Maybe I’m blinding myself and that reality is no longer a possibility.

There are still unknowns and, no matter how much I wish that weren’t so, it is there. I can either live with it or not. I’m choosing to live with it. That is a choice I make and I will live with the results of it.

Unknowns aside, if things had played out in the direction I had wanted them to, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

I needed this time. I needed to be pushed off the edge and my slate cleared so I could find out who I am and what I’m capable of. This had to happen, for me.

As 2019 started, a piece of my power that laid dormant, came alive. And then another piece came alive. And another. And another. On top of that, I have worked though some really dark, foul shit. All while managing to not lose my house, job, or completely fail at being a mom. I mean, I didn’t get through 2019 gracefully, but I have come out of it feeling pretty bad ass.

I have my sub girl. I am part of a community. I honestly can’t remember a time in my life that I have felt so comfortable with who I am, on the inside. I know what I want. I know who I want. I know why I want what I want. In turn, I know what I don’t want and, therefore, I won’t waste my time on those things.

What are my plans for 2020?

To work on the things I can control and let go of what I cannot control. Fine tune myself and my life. Continue to add to the relationships I want to keep. Prepare for my future in all the ways I can, while I wait for the foggy unknown to turn into a path that I can clearly see.

This feels like a good thing. Not easy or simple, but good.

And, dare I say it?

Hopeful.

14 comments

  1. Without your divorce, you would be stuck wherever you were. You wouldn’t know as much about yourself and wouldn’t have grown. Your divorce was huge in many ways. It freed you to grow and learn about yourself. Having been there, I know it was difficult. But you have moved on and are like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. You have a much better understanding of where you need to be and where you want to be. It may take time, but you’ll get there! I wish you all the best as you move forward. May 2020 be a wonderful year!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. michael, I am so glad I’m not stuck there anymore. You are not the first person to reference the Phoenix. 🙂 I’m definitely moving on and it feels good to actively work on bettering my life, even if it isn’t going exactly how I wanted it to… I mean, when does that ‘ever’ happen anyway? Lol.

      Hope you have a great year, as well.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I echo what Michael wrote…you are the Phoenix…glorious and beautiful, and exactly who you are meant to be! I love seeing your updates and am glad that you find yourself in a place in your life, while maybe unexpected, where you feel comfortable just being you. Best wishes in the new year!!! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am exactly where I need to be… even if it isn’t where I want to be. So I can be a little (ahem) impatient, it’s fine! 😉

      It is an odd feeling to see some of my faults and not beat myself up about it, while I work on changing them. It is also odd to ‘know’ my strengths AND be proud of them. Crazy stuff.

      I hope your year is fantastic, naughty nora!

      Like

  3. Hello Ms. Dixie:
    I just recently came across your blog.  Your journey over the past year as you have shared it here has certainly had more than it’s share of challenges and uncertainty as you’ve moved forward.  But you are making great, huge strides, with courage and stregnth of character.
    Wishing you continuing success and fulfillment in the coming year.
    vic

    Liked by 1 person

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