When I divorced my husband in 2018, I had expectations and ideas for my future. Leaving him was a major step toward making my desires and ideas a reality. Here we are, at the end of 2019 and it feels like I am further away from that reality than I was in 2018.
Maybe I’m closer than I realize.
Maybe I’m blinding myself and that reality is no longer a possibility.
There are still unknowns and, no matter how much I wish that weren’t so, it is there. I can either live with it or not. I’m choosing to live with it. That is a choice I make and I will live with the results of it.
Unknowns aside, if things had played out in the direction I had wanted them to, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
I needed this time. I needed to be pushed off the edge and my slate cleared so I could find out who I am and what I’m capable of. This had to happen, for me.
As 2019 started, a piece of my power that laid dormant, came alive. And then another piece came alive. And another. And another. On top of that, I have worked though some really dark, foul shit. All while managing to not lose my house, job, or completely fail at being a mom. I mean, I didn’t get through 2019 gracefully, but I have come out of it feeling pretty bad ass.
I have my sub girl. I am part of a community. I honestly can’t remember a time in my life that I have felt so comfortable with who I am, on the inside. I know what I want. I know who I want. I know why I want what I want. In turn, I know what I don’t want and, therefore, I won’t waste my time on those things.
What are my plans for 2020?
To work on the things I can control and let go of what I cannot control. Fine tune myself and my life. Continue to add to the relationships I want to keep. Prepare for my future in all the ways I can, while I wait for the foggy unknown to turn into a path that I can clearly see.
This feels like a good thing. Not easy or simple, but good.
And, dare I say it?