Month: December 2019

Hindsight and (a bit of) Forethought

When I divorced my husband in 2018, I had expectations and ideas for my future. Leaving him was a major step toward making my desires and ideas a reality. Here we are, at the end of 2019 and it feels like I am further away from that reality than I was in 2018.

Maybe I’m closer than I realize.

Maybe I’m blinding myself and that reality is no longer a possibility.

There are still unknowns and, no matter how much I wish that weren’t so, it is there. I can either live with it or not. I’m choosing to live with it. That is a choice I make and I will live with the results of it.

Unknowns aside, if things had played out in the direction I had wanted them to, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

I needed this time. I needed to be pushed off the edge and my slate cleared so I could find out who I am and what I’m capable of. This had to happen, for me.

As 2019 started, a piece of my power that laid dormant, came alive. And then another piece came alive. And another. And another. On top of that, I have worked though some really dark, foul shit. All while managing to not lose my house, job, or completely fail at being a mom. I mean, I didn’t get through 2019 gracefully, but I have come out of it feeling pretty bad ass.

I have my sub girl. I am part of a community. I honestly can’t remember a time in my life that I have felt so comfortable with who I am, on the inside. I know what I want. I know who I want. I know why I want what I want. In turn, I know what I don’t want and, therefore, I won’t waste my time on those things.

What are my plans for 2020?

To work on the things I can control and let go of what I cannot control. Fine tune myself and my life. Continue to add to the relationships I want to keep. Prepare for my future in all the ways I can, while I wait for the foggy unknown to turn into a path that I can clearly see.

This feels like a good thing. Not easy or simple, but good.

And, dare I say it?

Hopeful.

Polarity

Dominant and submissive are not opposing forces. One cannot actively exist without the other, therefore they are two pieces of a whole.

This is who I am.

When it is absent, I feel incomplete. The pressure builds in my chest and it hurts to breathe… no, it hurts to exist. The pressure was a lot harder to live with when I was a sub — I still feel it, though, as a Domme. Every morning that I have to wake up and make my own coffee, I feel it. It isn’t that I mind making my own coffee, I’m very capable and it is not time consuming. When I scoop the coffee grinds into the filter and pour water into the coffeemaker, I know it means I’m missing an important part of myself and my life.

Sure, I’d label myself as a Domme even if I didn’t have a sub, but that’s all it would be — a label. And that is not enough for me.

The deeper I go, the more contrast there is between Domme and sub, the more balanced I feel, the more complete I am.

I admire those that can engage in a dynamic without emotional involvement, those that find fulfillment in casual play, and those that can be fed from either side of the slash. I, unfortunately, am not one of those people. Entering a fantasy or an illusion of the real thing, when I don’t have it truly active in my life, is (somewhat) like giving a crumb to a starving person, it doesn’t nourish them, it just intensifies the ache. It is salt on an open wound.

I need passionate commitment. I need depth. I need the other half.