I’d Be Happy if…

I’ve made changes over the course of my life, not just recently, in search for happiness. I knew what wouldn’t make me happy (money, large house, nice car, etc.), nevertheless, I didn’t know what would make me happy, either. I just knew it was out there and I fucking wanted it. I found happy moments, I found things and people that made me feel good, I also found some peace along the way.

For the past few years, I have been doing this, “I’d be happy if…,” thing. You see, I want to live a particular kind of life. I have made so many changes over the last 6 years working towards making it happen. I’m obsessed with this shit. I think it is great that I have goals, that I have a plan, that I have something I am passionate about. I have spent so much of my life just trying to survive, that I didn’t have room to think about goals and the like, so this is a very good thing for me… it shows me that I am working on thriving instead of surviving.

Just a few months ago (maybe not even that long) I had a question slap me in the face. Will I be happy once my plan comes to fruition? Will I really be happy? Being honest with myself, I don’t think I will. I think I’ve been looking in the wrong places. I’ve been looking for people to make me happy… and I don’t think that is fair nor possible.

I have people in my life right now that make me smile and laugh. I have people that care about me and support me. I have a girl that likes it when I do mean things to her (and just hangout and watch tv with), how fucking awesome is that?! I even have someone that I want a future with and opened up to, which is… quite meaningful, to me. My kids are wonderfully unique and crazy. I have a house and car, a job that pays the bills. My life isn’t full of rainbows and magical unicorn poop, but it isn’t what it used to be. My life is good. It is good right now.

So, why am I not happy?

Why do I cry every fucking day?

Because I have wounds that haven’t healed.

That’s why.

What does this mean for my happiness?

It means I am responsible for it. It means I have work to do — I may spend the rest of my life battling demons for happiness. It means I need to hold on to the moments when I feel good, so when chaos rains I remember it won’t last forever.

9 comments

  1. Happiness is a step at a time, achieved in the little things that make up each day. Like watching TV with your girl, spending time with your children. I think the media sells this idea that once we’ve achieved our dreams, our lives will be blissful and easy, but happiness is in the journey. As you heal, finding happiness will become easier. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Direction would be ideal. Hope the waters are looking bright for you both, ladies. Have a fantastic Easter and may the next fortnight to the new moon be a good one. 🐰🐰🐰

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Happiness is definitely within each of usβ€”but it’s really nice to be able to share it with special people. You seem to have those special people. Now you need to continue healing. It may be a long journey, but try and enjoy those special moments along the way. Rooting for you!! Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

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