I wrote a post the end of February 2015 (on my first blog, which is no longer active)…
What Must Be
I have realized this is something I must go through. I cannot go back and I cannot go around. All detours lead right back here. Stopping is no longer an option. Forward is the the only way.
The barricade is tall, thick, and much stronger than I.
I know this because I built it to be indestructible.
There is no path to guide my way through. No light to shine the way. No maps or “How To…” books.
Which is how I wanted it.
This barrier made it so that I could only hear incomprehensible whispers from the monsters that slither through my mind, which left me free to ignore them. A wonderful side effect. However, it blocked out much more than their voices. A trade I didn’t know I was making. Though, had I known, I might have still made it.
Each layer that has come crashing down, brings back more of what was lost.
There is more left, lurking within the parts that haven’t fallen–feared unknowns waiting their turn to expose and heal.
What lies beyond is the mystery I fear the most. What will it be like? Will I be strong enough to handle it? Will it be someone that he can love? Will it hurt?
I know not how far I have come, nor how far I have left or where I will end, I only know that I must go through.
I was in a really difficult place when I wrote that. I remember the history that inspired it, the fear, how alone I felt, and tears that were shed. Yet, I was so determined to keep going. I opened a door that let the chaos back in, along with life, and I don’t regret it one little bit.
Here I am four years later and I have come so far. Although the same message applies (except for the “Will it be someone he can love?” part), I am no longer the woman who wrote that.
A mere four years. Most of the change happened within the last two years.
The foundation of who I was and the life I lived, crumbled, like an earthquake of great magnitude happened within me. And I was left with a disaster. Fragments of myself I no longer wanted. Pieces of a life I could no longer live, but morned. I was in a world I didn’t recognize, living in a body that did not feel like my own.
It has been so fucking painful.
And I am so fucking thankful.
I have had to look at some shitty parts of myself – my behaviors that are beneath me and my beliefs, my choices that had significant negative impacts on me, victimizing myself when I was not a victim and what damaged that caused, the list goes on and on- and I think it broke me in the best way possible.
I have dug deep to find the core pieces of my damage. I found some that I have blinded myself to, for far too long.
My hands hurt, my soul is banged up, my mind is a mixture of chaos and rational thoughts. I’m still going. And I’m never going to give up.
Because I am fucking hardheaded.
I am thankful for the events that helped me see and break down what wasn’t serving me in a positive way, no matter how painful they were. I am thankful for the ones that will happen in the future.
I am thankful I am not someone who lets life defeat me, but someone who takes the pain and does something with it.
I am beyond thankful I have not been completely alone and that I am loved.
Now, I rebuild. This time, I have more wisdom and life experience, and you can bet your ass I’m going to do something with it.