Continuing to Define My Domme Side

I continually try to pick myself apart. What do I like? Why do I like that? Why don’t I like that? How did that make me feel? Where the hell did this woman come from, I know I wasn’t her a year ago… or was she there, just dormant? What other facets are part of my whole?

I need to know these things!!

Aside from my sadistic tendencies, I’m pretty sure being in control is also a big one for me– it could be a bigger part than my sadistic side, I really don’t know at this point.

I like having things my way. I like making them my way. I want to be in control, damnit!!!!! Like, thinking about my sub having certain freedoms, kinda feels like someone sandpapering my brain. It is not cool. Thinking about controlling my sub, as little as telling them what name to address me as, kinda feels wearing and petting my fur collars, or slipping into a warm bath. It does good things for my brain.

In some cases, I have found it is extremely difficult to not let this side of me surface. I know that certain things need to be in place before control is turned up a notch (or turned on at all), and when it is turned up, other things need to be in place before it is turned up again. Nevertheless, not having control makes the Domme in me restless and, sometimes, quite upset. I’m not sure if it is my ego or if there is something else going on, I just know I don’t know how to process it, yet.

I feel like control is what makes D/s (or M/s) sustainable — sadism can only take it so far. But, I romanticize control so maybe my view is a little biased…

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13 comments

  1. I completely agree. Sadism is a sub-category. The main thing is control. It is a yearning. I don’t consider it ego at all. I can appreciate the need to question it but my stance is who cares why… Just enjoy the ride. Being too analytical sometimes sucks the joy out of things (for me). Lol

    As I was reading your post my lip curled. It’s the same thing it does when I go into primal, dominant mode. It does it of its own accord. It’s a beautiful feeling. To pounce. To own. Complete domination and Dominion. Gggggrrrrrrrrrrrr-eat!

    Nice post ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you!

      It is SO great!!

      I think my ego comes into play when I donโ€™t have control. It is so frustrating, I just want things the way I want them, but at the same time I see why I canโ€™t go there. I hope that makes some sense (I know Iโ€™m being vague). Stepping into this role has brought on new responses and emotions and my normal way of coping doesnโ€™t work the same way. It is interesting, for sure.

      Oh my, not analyzing stresses me out. Lol. I also think, if I understand why, I am able to create more of those desired feelings. It feels good to be able to define how I work.

      Thanks for commenting.

      Like

  2. I know what it’s like to need answers. That the knowing helps you understand yourself. I don’t mean to discredit that. Just wanting to make sure you are letting yourself just enjoy it all too I guess. ๐Ÿ’‹

    Liked by 1 person

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