I am reluctant to write about the darkness that lurks within me. Hell, it scares me, so how are you going to view it?!
I hate being misunderstood. Usually, if I am misunderstood, that means I have failed in communicating or I haven’t been given the opportunity to explain. Yet, sometimes, people just see what they want to see — they focus on a sentence or two and don’t see the rest. That is definitely not my fault, nor is it avoidable.
I hope people see how my darkness and kindness intertwine and work together.
Before I let my darkness out, I need to know the other person consents to and knows what they are getting into. I need to know their limitations — I will hold back if I don’t have an idea of their boundaries and what D/s looks like to them. I will not feel safe engaging with someone that can’t give me anything to go off of.
Once I feel safe…
The darkness becomes my light, the curtain is pulled back and I am at ease and comfortable in my own skin. It is good to be me. Finally! I like being me.
And, I love being mean.
Don’t get me wrong, I like having the wooden, makeshift cane in my hand, the sound of the crop on skin, bondage, my strap-on around my hips, pulling on the chain that connects the nipple clamps. Oh, yes, those are fun things. But, what I really like, what really makes me smile, is mental torment. Any kind of mental angst will do, however, those that bring on humiliation, fear, and tears are quite delicious. Bondage and implements are just a means to get what I want, they are not the end all.
The only questions that run through my head when I am in this blissful state are, “What can I say to dig deeper?” and, “What can I do to get more reactions?”
Why in the world would I want my prey to feel comfortable?! That is no fun at all! I want to poke at their delicate soul. I don’t feel bad doing so, it is fun… and that, my readers, it what scares me the most. It is the reason I fear casual play, the reason I need to feel safe before I let my darkness out, the reason I am so picky about who I engage with. I need to know my sub will see my kindness through these acts.
“Run and cry and beg for me not to hurt you, little mouse. I will let you go far enough to give you hope, and laugh when that hope fades and you submit to your fate. Once I get my hands on you, keep crying, keep begging, or just let go, it doesn’t matter, I’ll get what I want. I will savor every minute of it, from start to end. When I’m full, I’ll put you away, nice and safe locked in your little cage, until I’m ready to go again.