Who I was and Who I am

I remember getting my way (most of the time) when I was younger. Make no mistake, I was not a princess, my childhood was severely lacking where my needs were concerned, but I did get my way. I knew how to manipulate my mother from a really young age, and I used it. I probably manipulated others along the way, as well. I did not do it on purpose, I see now that it was a cry for help, instead of me being a bad child, like I once believed. 

This carried on throughout my teens. I did what I wanted and when I wanted to. I did not care about the repercussions of my actions — hell, I didn’t even think about the repercussions. I used boys and I let them use me. I did a lot of drugs. I did a lot of stupid things and I avoided good things, like school, because they made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. By fifteen, I had lived well beyond my years. As destructive as that may seem, it is how I survived the chaos in my mind.

I’m not proud of any of this.

As a result of my reflection of the choices I made as a youth, I stopped trusting myself. I stopped putting myself in certain situations–ones that I felt I wouldn’t make the right choice. I was determined to change, and change I did. Unfortunately, I lost myself in the process. I was a shadow living in a world of gray. It was safe for those around me and I was safe, as well.

Fast forward to today, I am finding myself again. I am learning to trust myself and it feels really good. I have standards for myself. I will do right by the people I care about. More importantly, if I don’t do right (and I see it or it is pointed out to me), I will own it. I will continue to better myself. I will do my best and, from what I’ve seen in my lifetime, my best is a lot better than most peoples good. That has to count for something.

I know the type of Domme I want to be and I know I am more than capable.

I am starting to see I am worth following. I am worth it not because of the title, but because of who I am

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27 comments

  1. Keep looking after yourself and those you love in reality first and foremost. Be well Ms. Dixie, and if it isn’t going to be healthy for you and good for those you care for, then it isn’t good enough for you xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Very steamy here this morning. Been a massive week. Things we knew 5 years ago would happen came to fruition. Had been some tough times keeping the faith. Now it’s fun… in a Dothraki sort of way

        Liked by 2 people

  2. You sound like an AMAZING person, Ms. Dixie! One of the most challenging aspects to being human is owning your own choices, and not blaming others. What I see here when I read this is an incredibly self-aware, intelligent woman who is ready to start living her life to her standards, and no one else’s. I wish you all the luck in the world…not that you will need it…. you kick ass!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That means a lot to me coming from you, nora.

      No one made me make bad choices, those are all on me. I also need to start taking into account the right choices I make, somehow those seem to go unnoticed.

      One can never have enough luck!! I’m taking it!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Whatever happened is history and cannot be changed. Learning from it and moving forward in a positive trajectory is terrific. I admire your resilience. If I wasn’t with my Queen, I might investigate meeting you and applying to be your sub. A Domme that knows herself and is working so hard to make good choices is very attractive! All the best!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I learned a lot from my younger years, michael. Some things felt REALLY good in the moment, but… well, I have to live with those sickening choices for the rest of my life. I do NOT want to add more of that to the list so I put forethought into the choices I make.

      It seems some Dom/mes feel they should be followed because they have the title and know how to wield a whip, when in reality they aren’t worthy at all. I am not going to be one of those Dommes.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I liked your answer to Michael, Ms Dixie. You made 2 statements here: 1) we have to learn on our own mistakes from the past and try to avoid them in the future and 2) very brave in the context of this blog – an entitlement. Being a dominant woman (or man), even when someone write us by capital ‘D’ does not necessary mean we are entitle to wield a whip or to be followed. We are entitled only to live and to die. For a quality of life and especially quality of relationship we have to work hard all our lives – nothing is given once and for good, especially in relationship. Thus I see your 2 statements as very wisely ones, always worth to remind, remember and follow. Take a good care, Ms Dixie and whatever you do choose wise.
        Always thinking warmly about you and wishing you the best –
        Peter

        Liked by 1 person

      2. “For a quality of life and especially quality of relationship we have to work hard all our lives – nothing is given once and for good, especially in relationship.”

        I have found that to be true, as well, Peter. Sometimes people don’t want to put in the work and then they wonder why things fall apart or don’t work at all. The past year has really tested me on that front, as it would have been far easier to give up and not put in the work.

        Like

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