I remember getting my way (most of the time) when I was younger. Make no mistake, I was not a princess, my childhood was severely lacking where my needs were concerned, but I did get my way. I knew how to manipulate my mother from a really young age, and I used it. I probably manipulated others along the way, as well. I did not do it on purpose, I see now that it was a cry for help, instead of me being a bad child, like I once believed.
This carried on throughout my teens. I did what I wanted and when I wanted to. I did not care about the repercussions of my actions — hell, I didn’t even think about the repercussions. I used boys and I let them use me. I did a lot of drugs. I did a lot of stupid things and I avoided good things, like school, because they made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. By fifteen, I had lived well beyond my years. As destructive as that may seem, it is how I survived the chaos in my mind.
I’m not proud of any of this.
As a result of my reflection of the choices I made as a youth, I stopped trusting myself. I stopped putting myself in certain situations–ones that I felt I wouldn’t make the right choice. I was determined to change, and change I did. Unfortunately, I lost myself in the process. I was a shadow living in a world of gray. It was safe for those around me and I was safe, as well.
Fast forward to today, I am finding myself again. I am learning to trust myself and it feels really good. I have standards for myself. I will do right by the people I care about. More importantly, if I don’t do right (and I see it or it is pointed out to me), I will own it. I will continue to better myself. I will do my best and, from what I’ve seen in my lifetime, my best is a lot better than most peoples good. That has to count for something.
I know the type of Domme I want to be and I know I am more than capable.
I am starting to see I am worth following. I am worth it not because of the title, but because of who I am.