Month: December 2018

A Safe Place

It is extremely important to me to be a safe place for those I call mine. I want them to have the space to be themselves around me — the good, bad, and kinks/fetishes. I am really good at accepting people because it makes me feel good, it builds me up. When I call someone mine, I want the whole package, right down to their soul. I want them to come to me with their problems and fears. I want to know what makes them smile during the day and what brings them happiness. I want them to feel safe being open and vulnerable with me. That is part of my package.

When I can’t be that, it somehow takes away from my dominance.

It helps me to feel needed.

I NEED to be needed.

Maybe, in a way, it makes it easier for me to accept my sadistic side? A fair trade, of sorts? Or maybe it isn’t that at all… maybe it simply gives me confidence and a foundation to stand on.

I was told I am abusive.

I was not a safe place for them.

I was also told that I am not a good friend.

All from the same person.

Being told I am abusive has really done a number on me. It has been a fear of mine since I realized I had a sadistic side. I like being mean… I love being mean. And, because that darkness resides in me, I fear coming off as abusive in an unhealthy way.

I will not be my dad.

So, I broke it off with them.

It was a short lived relationship.

I tried.

I really tried.

And, I failed.

It was a learning experience, so at least there’s that.

I am incredibly thankful for the people in my life that assured me of what I am and what I am not. I have a feeling I would have had a much harder time, if it wasn’t for them.

(For those who are wondering, I still have the girl I mentioned here and the boy I wrote about here–they are two of the people that helped me through this mess.)

End of Year (Life) Reflection

This year has been some kind of personalized hell.

Seriously, I’m pretty sure a higher power decided that 2017 wasn’t hard enough and, ya’ know, why not add some more logs to the fire? What doesn’t kill us…

I am ready to put this year behind me.

I am ready for a lot of things.

I’m ready to be done with some stupid and/or shitty people. I’m ready to deepen my relationships with people that aren’t stupid and/or shitty (thank goodness for them!!). I’m ready to start living and not just surviving.

Mostly, I’m ready to feel good.

That is going to be my goal for 2019.

Feel good.

Throw more logs on the fire, I don’t care. If there is one thing life has taught me it is that I can weather most kinds of hell and come out on the other side with a smile. It is about time I learn to smile while in the flames.

I got this.


Triad Goals

I don’t like to write in exacts because I know how fluid life can be. I know that if I find someone I like – their personality, beliefs, they aren’t stupid, etc. – and they don’t fit into my ideal life scenario, I am likely to adjust. Of course, there are things I will not budge on just like everyone else. I also know that my ideal will probably change and evolve as “real life” happens.

Having said that…

I want a girl and a boy sub. I don’t have a desire to have more subs than that.

I feel like I will thrive most in a triad. It is something I have fantasized about for quite some time– to have a girl in my arms and a boy at my feet. More than that, I want a life with both of them, one that involves love between us.

I want to be in control of both — I fiercely want that power. In the most extreme moments, I want to pick out their clothes and food, direct their entire day, have them cater to my every whim, bound them, tease them, hurt them… devour every bit of them that I can. In more relaxed moments, I want to hold them, watch them interact, enjoy the laughter and company of two people I love.

He would be my live-in puppet, the one that is always there, owned by me in all ways. She would have more freedom.

Ideally, she would have fun teasing him and using him. Ideally, he would take well to that treatment. She would never serve him because I find that deliciously unfair and, ya’ know, principles.

I would be their safe place and someone they can always count on. They would be my most valuable and I would care for them as such.

My thoughts flow with possibilities and it leaves me with a sense of life that reverberates through me like an electric charge. I want it to be more than mere fantasy.

As days move on, the more I feel it, the more I know I can make it happen, I just have to stay strong and keep fighting.

I have life and kids, which will always come first, and I have some odds that are against me, but I can’t stop the hope from being there.

Coffee is Definitely a Thing

The heavens shined down on me yesterday morning and I feel it is noteworthy.

She made me coffee.

That, in and of itself, was a fantasy come true.

I was delightfully surprised and amused when she became nervous after given the task. It was cute.

I honestly don’t know which was better, her nerves or having her make my coffee and bring it to me in bed.

And, ya’ know, seeing her walk to my kitchen with no clothes on, wasn’t horrible either.

I believe the only thing that could surpass that, is if she stayed in bed with me while the boy had to make coffee.

Well…

Okay…

I can definitely think of other ways to enhance a moment such as that.

Who I was and Who I am

I remember getting my way (most of the time) when I was younger. Make no mistake, I was not a princess, my childhood was severely lacking where my needs were concerned, but I did get my way. I knew how to manipulate my mother from a really young age, and I used it. I probably manipulated others along the way, as well. I did not do it on purpose, I see now that it was a cry for help, instead of me being a bad child, like I once believed. 

This carried on throughout my teens. I did what I wanted and when I wanted to. I did not care about the repercussions of my actions — hell, I didn’t even think about the repercussions. I used boys and I let them use me. I did a lot of drugs. I did a lot of stupid things and I avoided good things, like school, because they made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. By fifteen, I had lived well beyond my years. As destructive as that may seem, it is how I survived the chaos in my mind.

I’m not proud of any of this.

As a result of my reflection of the choices I made as a youth, I stopped trusting myself. I stopped putting myself in certain situations–ones that I felt I wouldn’t make the right choice. I was determined to change, and change I did. Unfortunately, I lost myself in the process. I was a shadow living in a world of gray. It was safe for those around me and I was safe, as well.

Fast forward to today, I am finding myself again. I am learning to trust myself and it feels really good. I have standards for myself. I will do right by the people I care about. More importantly, if I don’t do right (and I see it or it is pointed out to me), I will own it. I will continue to better myself. I will do my best and, from what I’ve seen in my lifetime, my best is a lot better than most peoples good. That has to count for something.

I know the type of Domme I want to be and I know I am more than capable.

I am starting to see I am worth following. I am worth it not because of the title, but because of who I am