Both of my parents taught me not to trust.
My dad taught me that anyone can be a monster. They are hiding everywhere, just waiting to strike. They walk down your street. They shop in the same store you do. They are on the other side of the computer screen. They pretend to be your dad, when all they really are is a demon that spawned you. They are everywhere.
My mom taught me that I can’t trust anyone to be there for me. I’m on my own. Always. You are growing into a woman, you’re on your own. Your dad did something horrible to you, you’re own your own. You are doing drugs at 11 years old, that’s your choice. You keep missing school, that’s on you. Your problems are your problems, deal with them on your own, ’cause I’m going to sit here on the couch and drink my beer while I look the other way.
Not trusting is my default.
Sometimes I forget and life doesn’t seem so dark, but then, something happens (it can even be something totally unrelated) and I remember what my parents taught me.
When I am feeling good, I can tell myself, “That’s not what is happening now, you can trust, you are safe, it is okay.” However, when I am feeling down, it confirms my default setting as truth…even when it’s not really true.
I put up a wall that I don’t want to put up. It is a poison that corrupts my soul. It takes away my hope, it takes away my vision of the future, and gives me a ticket to comfortable coffin for one.