Coffin for One

Both of my parents taught me not to trust.

My dad taught me that anyone can be a monster. They are hiding everywhere, just waiting to strikeThey walk down your street. They shop in the same store you do. They are on the other side of the computer screen. They pretend to be your dad, when all they really are is a demon that spawned you. They are everywhere.

My mom taught me that I can’t trust anyone to be there for me. I’m on my own. Always. You are growing into a woman, you’re on your own. Your dad did something horrible to you, you’re own your own. You are doing drugs at 11 years old, that’s your choice. You keep missing school, that’s on you. Your problems are your problems, deal with them on your own, ’cause I’m going to sit here on the couch and drink my beer while I look the other way.

Not trusting is my default.

Sometimes I forget and life doesn’t seem so dark, but then, something happens (it can even be something totally unrelated) and I remember what my parents taught me.

When I am feeling good, I can tell myself, “That’s not what is happening now, you can trust, you are safe, it is okay.” However, when I am feeling down, it confirms my default setting as truth…even when it’s not really true.

I put up a wall that I don’t want to put up. It is a poison that corrupts my soul. It takes away my hope, it takes away my vision of the future, and gives me a ticket to comfortable coffin for one.

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22 comments

  1. I know that trusting is an area many of us struggle in in even the simplest of forms.I can’t fathom what life must be like for you with the history you have had to endure especially where trust is involved. I obviously wouldn’t offer an advice in this area. I can’t offer any with something I clearly have no real grasp as to the depths of these scars.

    My hope for you is that some day the light will be so bright in your life and for long periods of time that you can feel comfortable trusting more and more. My hope is that the knowledge of why you struggle with trust will some day help you understand yourself and your struggle so as to be able to differentiate and not only see but feel the difference.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much for the wishes. I hope for the same.

      It makes it difficult to make friends and when it comes to my kids… well… neglecting them is a huge fear and I want to lock them up so no one will hurt them. Come to think of it, I don’t think I can let them grow up. 😜

      It really does a number on me when I start to deeply care for someone. I battle with myself. It sucks.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG you just told my husbands story. I dont know if this helps but he trusts me now. It took years and years but he slowly changed and gave me the side of him I knew was in there but his walls were tall and wide. One brick at a time, he was worth it and so are you Dixie….
    D

    Liked by 3 people

  3. The pain and hurt you have endured is beyond my comprehension! Like the others above, I hope one day your walls will be broken down by some special person or people. Because of my first wife, I still have some trust issues—but for the most part I am able to fully trust my Queen. It is part of what makes life worthwhile for me. I hope you can get there.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I would love to be able to count on someone, to trust that they won’t turn into a monster, that I don’t have to do everything on my own because they ‘want’ to be involved in my life.

      I’m on a path to something better and I am so worried it is going to fall apart.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. When you’ve been repeatedly let down and seen the ugly side of people it is only natural to be afraid. But there are good people out there and there are many who have wonderful relationships. I hope this is the path you are on. And I hope in time you’ll start to feel confident instead of worried.

        Liked by 3 people

  4. I can’t imagine what it was–and is–like for you. *hug* I don’t know what to say. Sometimes the people who are meant to protect us fail, and then we’re left with scars. I hope you find a way to learn to trust again, and I hope the people you learn to trust are worthy.
    I have issues with trust, although for reasons far less excruciating than yours. I spent most of my life being manipulated and gaslighted until I wasn’t able to function as a person, much less an adult, and I am learning every day how to do that. I have trouble accepting that HD truly means it when he says he loves me because I’ve heard that from people who didn’t. I make a choice every day to believe him, and it’s one of the hardest decisions I make.
    I know that doesn’t compare. I hope you find peace and a way to unlearn those lessons your parents taught you. Not everyone is untrustworthy. There are good, honest, decent people in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am always doubting people — at times (most times), in an unhealthy way. It is exhausting.

      Our past was different, but I’m not so sure they aren’t at least a little bit comparable. Broken trust, is broken trust. The longer it goes on, the earlier it happens in life, the harder it is to believe the same things won’t keep happening.

      I push myself to trust more and more, but sometimes that wall pops up and I just want to run away to protect myself. At this point in my life I feel like I’m really putting myself out there and it is very uncomfortable.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I can understand. I find myself wanting to test HD all the time since he spends so much time away from home. It isn’t healthy and it isn’t fair to him, so I constantly remind myself that if he wanted another woman he wouldn’t have stuck around through everything he has.

        That’s true. I keep telling HD things like “when” he leaves. He asks me where the trust is. My experience is that people love until they’ve run out of uses for me. *shrug*

        Maybe the wall is popping up because you are pushing yourself too hard?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You have me wondering if I am doing some kind of testing… I dunno… maybe… test probably isn’t the right word. Perhaps it is a lack of control combined with feeling a bit (ahem) possessive, that has the wall popping up.

        I think I know where you are coming from. It seems like when trust is broken it makes us insecure, which makes it hard to put ourselves out there where our trust can be broken again. From what I’ve read on your blog, I believe the risk you are taking is totally worth it.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ah I can relate. I was highly possessive of HD in the beginning, and I ended up trying to create obstacles. It often feels safer that way.

        I agree, he’s proven himself on multiple occasions.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. *sigh* I feel like I’m going nuts. 🤪

        It would be easier if I could just chain him up in my basement and NEVER let him go. I mean, I would feed and water him. He doesn’t really ‘need’ anything else, right?? I’d have to hide him from the kids (‘cause that would be a hard one to explain)… maybe I could soundproof a room… 🤔

        Like

  5. I can’t begin to comprehend what you have been through and can understand you reverting to your default pattern. From what I have seen though from your blogs, you have come a long way healing. I hope that one day you will be able to trust

    Hugs
    Roz

    Liked by 2 people

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