Month: January 2018

Just Reflecting (and some things that turn me on)

Due to what turned me on as a submissive and the kind of submissive I ached to be in my day-to-day led me to believe I would not enjoy being a Dominant. I was so sure submission was my place. At first I used my submission to play the Dominant, not be the Dominant. I wanted a Master to serve and a collar around my neck.

But then I did… stuff.

I did some mean stuff. I had massages when I wanted them. I had him dry me off after a shower. I used him sexually. I spanked him.

And, as it turned out, I really enjoyed myself and so did my vagina.

One night, I found myself dressed in nothing but heels and a strap-on, bending him over the bed and fucking his ass. I assumed I would like it, but it ended up being more than a like. I was literally dripping down my legs. I remember thinking, “What the hell is going on down there?” I also remember thinking it would be better (for me) if he enjoyed it a little less.

So, yeah…

I don’t want to be submissive anymore, but I am glad I was one.

It is interesting, the ideas I have about the way D/s works have stayed the same. And the same things turn me on, just in a different way. It also shaped some beliefs of what I see as Dominant and submissive acts.

For example, I do not plan on giving another blow job and I will definitely not allow my (male) sub to cum on my body. (My hand, okay, but that’s where I draw the line.) I gave many blow jobs as a sub, not because I enjoyed them, but because I enjoyed pleasing him, which made it an act of submission. It was humiliating when he came on my body or face. Therefore, I cannot picture myself doing either as a Domme. However!, my vagina and I are totally okay with sticking my cock down his throat and having him cum on himself.

I also still want a group of three, except now I want two subs instead of being the bottom sub.

My opinions about punishment, chores, service, etc., have stayed the same. Although they might have evolved a little.

I want to treat my sub the way I wanted to be treated. Cruelly, like a thing… because I love them.

I expect the same things of my sub as I expected of myself as a sub — to obey and be pleasing.

I could go on and on.

It’s kinda neat how things have turned out.

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Coffin for One

Both of my parents taught me not to trust.

My dad taught me that anyone can be a monster. They are hiding everywhere, just waiting to strikeThey walk down your street. They shop in the same store you do. They are on the other side of the computer screen. They pretend to be your dad, when all they really are is a demon that spawned you. They are everywhere.

My mom taught me that I can’t trust anyone to be there for me. I’m on my own. Always. You are growing into a woman, you’re on your own. Your dad did something horrible to you, you’re own your own. You are doing drugs at 11 years old, that’s your choice. You keep missing school, that’s on you. Your problems are your problems, deal with them on your own, ’cause I’m going to sit here on the couch and drink my beer while I look the other way.

Not trusting is my default.

Sometimes I forget and life doesn’t seem so dark, but then, something happens (it can even be something totally unrelated) and I remember what my parents taught me.

When I am feeling good, I can tell myself, “That’s not what is happening now, you can trust, you are safe, it is okay.” However, when I am feeling down, it confirms my default setting as truth…even when it’s not really true.

I put up a wall that I don’t want to put up. It is a poison that corrupts my soul. It takes away my hope, it takes away my vision of the future, and gives me a ticket to comfortable coffin for one.