Tired

I’m tired of trying to figure out who I am and how I’m supposed to be.

Tired of trying to figure out how to find the strength to leave my husband.

Tired of trying to figure out how to take care of my kids without ending up homeless.

Tired of aching.

Tired if hurting.

I’m just fucking tired.

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26 comments

  1. See what help is available for women with children who are on their own. Fathers are responsible for paying support and can have their wages garnished in most places. Find out about restraining orders. In other words pursue the knowledge necessary to leave him. Knowledge is power and will help eliminate the fatigue. Then you only have to overcome the fear. All the best!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I was in an unhappy marriage—might still be there if my wife hadn’t jumped ship. I went through a lot of pain but exited that with a new sense of happiness and eventually a new relationship—to my Queen. Point is the worst is already behind you. It is only better up ahead. Good luck!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow, I feel bad for you, it feels like I feel your uncertainty it your words, what happens next and how.
    Their is nothing I can say to comfort you. I have followed you for a while, I never really got a handle on where you were at, D or s. None of which mater right now. As a woman I know we can be in a bad position in a marriage if he does not want to take care of us, so when we leave, its financially bad or impossible..
    Please take from me today some LOVE and kindness for just you, I’m so sorry.. I have begun to feel this small group I follow as family. ( your in the group) I’m sure I will get chastised for saying that but you all know my secrets, my desires, like good friends and family should, yes I know that we don’t know each other, but we do know each other’s thoughts..
    D

    Liked by 2 people

    1. There are so many unknowns, Dorinda. I have thought through every scenario I can think of, none of which will be how it actually plays out, I’m sure. This is one time where I wish I could see the future.

      I was a sub, but that no longer holds any interest for me, so I’m working on figuring out who I am as a Domme. It hasn’t been easy, given my limitations, home life, my past and such.

      It is nice to have this blogging family! Glad you’re around, Dorinda.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. There is such a tiring difficulty in trying to figure out the best solution for everyone (yourself, your kids) while trying to understand where your personal motivation is coming from. Aside from financial reasons for example, are there other deep seated reasons why you ‘can’t leave your husband’? ( you don’t want to be the one who tears your children’s lives apart in the name of being fulfilled personally perhaps- not a judgement on my part, just a thought that once went through my mind years ago).

    For myself- in the past, I ‘hid’ behind financial reasons (though they were EXTREMELY valid as I haven’t worked outside of the home in decades) but the truth is I didn’t want to leave- I just wanted my life, but different. I could’t look at my kids and be the reason their life as they knew it was turned upside down. My husband wasn’t abusive. I ‘just’ wasn’t fulfilled by him anymore. It tore me up inside to think that (again, only my version not projecting onto you) I was taking them away and making them unhappy because I was not. NOW that being said, if resentment had set in between us, then there probably would have been no turning back. No child can be truly happy living with parents who resent each other. Anyway, I am NOT a proponent of staying together for the children’s sake, I am just saying that this was the reason that weighed heavily on my heart back then- of course my life turned out differently than yours is right now as you know.

    I know what it is like to see what you need- to ache for it, to feel a hollowness inside of you because it isn’t being ‘fed’. I understand the type of guilt that can flourish within because you take the time to feel those things despite those living around you (not that there is anything wrong with feeling those things). The ‘what about me? and my needs?’ should be allowed to exist, but often we do so with an icing of guilt. It is difficult in these conditions to allow yourself to be who you believe you are or cultivate those feelings because we are all comprised of many facets. On one hand you are identifying yourself as a dominant, but the other hand you are a mother. They absolutely can co-exist, but who do you care for first? Can you provide for one without destroying the other? How do you do that? So many questions with no absolute answers. That is what makes one so damn tired.

    M, I am so sorry you are unsettled and tired. I wish there were a way to not feel these things, truly I do. Perhaps knowing that you aren’t alone at these crossroads, that others have been there- even if they ended up taking a different path, or are still standing there might make you feel not isolated a little bit.

    My email hasn’t changed if you want to correspond again, I am here to listen.

    much love

    willie

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Willie,
      If we didn’t have kids, I would have left him months ago. I didn’t have a dad around when I was a kid, I do not want that for them, but… they need a better example of how relationships look.

      I have no idea how he is going to respond — so far he has been childish, despite my efforts to be reasonable and honest. I still care about him, I don’t want to screw him over, I just want out.

      When it comes down to it, I’m leaving because I deserve(d) to be treated better.

      The kids definitely come before my dominant needs/wants. The kicker is that I feel like a zombie when I don’t “feel it,” which does not make doing the mom thing easy. You’re right, it is difficult to work out a good balance, but nothing is balanced at this point.

      Thank you…I still struggle to reach out… *sigh* Somethings never change. Lol.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sending hugs, Ms. Dixie. You are a strong woman and you can do this. And, life will be better. Who knows when, or how, but keep your hope that it will be. Your kids are lucky to have you. Wishing you all the best. XOXOX~ nora

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Aww Misty you know who you are, just focuss on getting a divorce from your husband. You are not being selfish following who you are inside. Dominance is apart of your core. Think on this, say you are in the situation you are now but you are wanting to persue a relationship with a woman. You discover your gay, are you being selfish getting a divorce? No your not because being gay or straight or Dominant or submissive is apart of who we are. Your kids will want you to be happy! Persue it, persue it! You can do this!
    Daisy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Daisy!! Life is just changing so much and I am SO stressed out.

      I do need D/s in my life to feel complete. I would not look down on someone for doing what I want to do, but it is different because it is me and my kids…ugh!

      Like

      1. I don’t even know the reason why my parents divorced. “I’m not happy” was enough for me. Your kids won’t care about the reason either. You don’t want to be another statistic of a couple who just stay together for the kids.

        Liked by 1 person

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