Liking It; The Struggle Is Real

When one first steps into the pool of BDSM it can be quite shocking to find out that you like things that are… well… not normal things that might be considered crazy. It just might turn out that you like a lot of those not-so-normal things and start to crave them, and that can feel pretty messed up.

When you’re new it takes time for those things to sink in. It takes time for you to accept that they are okay to like and they are not bad (as long as you like it and the one you’re doing it with likes it). And, eventually, those things don’t feel so fucked up… or they may still feel fucked up, but they make sense, in a weird, fucked up way.

Submission is soooooo hard in the beginning, but it might actually be a bit harder for new Dominants… or perhaps it is equally hard, and it is the types of hard that are different… nevertheless, it is hard.

I will just talk about “liking it” in this post.

We are taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. Hurting people is bad. Making fun of people is bad. Using people selfishly is bad. This does not mesh well with Dominance, at all.

Even I, who had a few years of submission under my belt, had trouble accepting that it is okay to like it. I know how submission works, I know why it works, I know what makes it thrive… I knew this, yet, I still felt guilty for doing it, for wanting it, for getting turned on by it, as a Dominant.

“I should not like these things,” ran through my head regularly. It is not easy to keep Dominating when you feel like it shouldn’t be okay.

I experienced a recoil, of sorts, often. I would do Dominant things and it was so wonderful in the moment. I would be stretched out in a good way, but then afterwards, I would start to really think about what I had done and how much I liked it. I would start to feel really fucked up, that’s when I would recoil. Same thing happened to me as a sub, but this time, I was the Dominant doing the “dirty work.” And, if I stopped, it all stopped, and I did not want it to stop. There was no “just do what I’m told, push through.”

I hate to admit it, but I can remember many times, as a submissive, thinking, “Why is it so hard for him to xyz?” … “Why doesn’t he just xyz?”

Yeah, my bad.

So, how did I get past it?


Not giving up.

Figuring out that it is truly okay, as long as the one I’m doing it to, wants it.

And, the most important (in my eyes), a wonderful submissive (not my husband!) that encouraged my Dominance. He managed to give me a spot to build a foundation without pressuring me into it. He never made me feel like I was doing something wrong or that I needed to be more than what I was in that moment (I did want to be more, I still want to be more, but that’s another post). His acceptance of me allowed me to accept myself.

Side note: Kinda neat how that acceptance works both ways.



  1. Well said, Ms. Dixie! I think it is very easy for some to forget how hard it really is to be the one in control…it goes against what society has taught us about respecting others, it often involves humiliating or physically hurting another person, and it is just a lot of work! It is no wonder that new (and seasoned) Dominants often struggle, as submissives do as well. Thank you for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, nora.

      As a sub I did recognize some of the struggles he had, but clearly I missed a couple. I’m pretty sure all subs do it.

      I’m honestly not sure what kind of Dominant I would have been if I hadn’t experienced submission first. Finding out what you like, coming to terms with it, worrying about your partner, making sure your partner is getting everything they need, figuring out how it works, finding a stable ground, having all the responsibility on your shoulders… it is a lot to handle when everything is new, and even more so in relationships that were vanilla first. Yeah, I am so thankful I was a sub first.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I know I have these same types of thoughts about MrH … ‘I’ve given him permission to do xyz so why isn’t he doing it?’ Which inevitably leads to ‘does he really want to?’ I’ve got my head round some of it by learning to accept that he is in the driving seat not me … and by talking to him. Great post, thank you 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, yes, the good ol’ “does my Dom really want this?” (Not fun at all)

      It has taken me awhile to figure out how I️ want to drive, and I’m still trying to figure it out. It does stop me from doing certain things because I’m not sure of myself or how I would carry it out.

      Thanks for commenting! It is always nice to see a new face.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. “If your lover really wants to explore something kinky and fun, do you consider it wrong to do something that they would find enjoyable?… the pain aspects often associated with BDSM can instead feel intensely pleasurable” (from the bdsmwiki)

    For some, impact-play can be a reward (for good behavior). Withholding it can be a punishment of sorts.

    This concept can turn the common notion of BDSM on its head. In time, we overcome the guilt of enjoying inflicting pain on consenting adult(s) and see it as a way of giving them pleasure.

    At times I wonder why I do this but then I realize I’m in it too deep into it to change. Maybe when I get older I’ll get wiser and have a “normal” relationship, but for now, I’m loving my situation.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I definitely struggled with the discovery of my desire to express sadism. It goes against everything I know and hold dear to inflict pain on someone. This was very difficult to overcome especially with an expectant, eager submissive.
    Giggled at ‘Why don’t you just do it?’ as it’s something I heard myself. Pretty sure I replied with ‘It’s not that simple.’

    Liked by 2 people

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