Month: September 2017

Porn

For the most part, I haven’t ever been able to really get into porn. Don’t get me wrong, porn has its appeal (boobs are always nice to look at), however I found that written stories had a more lasting impression.

I think vanilla porn is either comical or boring. (Yes, the house is on fire, but, Mr. Fireman, will you fuck me now?) Aside from horrible plots and exaggerated sounds, which is only good for a laugh, it is a waste of my time.

When I was a sub, BDSM porn did not get my juices flowing enough to keep me watching. Even though it was exciting, I cringed through most of it. There was no reason behind the action, so it lost a lot of my interest.

Recently have been making a point to watch more videos, specifically Femdom, and, I’m happy to say, my vagina and I have found it to be enjoyable in ways I didn’t expect. For example, there are things going on in these videos that I would not do and instead of being turned off by them, they actually have potential to do the opposite. To think I will never again put my mouth on a penis, is exciting. Not only is the act unreasonable (because giving blow jobs gives me no pleasure whatsoever), but taking that away from my sub is just too damn good to pass up (because I know how much pleasure it would give him). So, every time I see a Dominant giving a blow job I can’t help but get a little turned on because I know I’ll never have to do that again. 

There is one video that keeps popping into my head, and not because it’s one of those that leaves me wishing I could unsee it, but because it surprised me in a good way. There were two female subs and a Domme (off to a great start!). One sub was tied to a chair and, by going off the mascara running down her face, she had already endured some unpleasant things. The other sub was being instructed by the Domme when to turn on a electro device (that was connect to the sub in the chair) and what level to set it at. So, they start doing their thing… the Domme was right up next to the girl in the chair with a wonderful smile on her face and the sub was nodding her head, answering questions, and crying. Every so often the Domme would slightly nod, cueing to turn on the device, and the sub would scream out in pain.

This is a perfect example of a video I would not have liked to watch as a sub (even if I wouldn’t have minded to be used in a similar way), yet now… the expressions on the sub’s face, the way her eyes looked, and how she screamed out… it was fucking hot. Her face was messy, she was scared and determined, and so beautiful (and not just because of her features). She accepted the pain for the enjoyment of others. She was willing prey and the Domme was eating it up. 

And, clearly, it did something for me, too. 

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Adjusting the Plan

Even though I made up my mind months ago and I have a rough plan for during and after the divorce…things are at a standstill…or, more accurately, I’m at a standstill. Overthinking probably has a little to do with it. 

I told him weeks ago that I can’t live like this, divorce is the only way either one of us could have a chance at happiness. He wanted to know why (*loud sigh*), so I explained to him, for the millionth fucking time, why we fell apart and why we can’t go back. I believe he keeps asking because he hopes for a different response, a crack in my resolve to pounce on. 

One moment that is etched in my brain from that conversation… To point a wrong of mine, he told me that I no longer ask how his day went. He hardly ever asked how my day was, which I pointed out (and should have pointed out years and years ago). His response was, “I thought your love for me was strong enough that I didn’t need to ask.” … “You’re just here with the kids all day.”

Yeah, that’s wrong on so many levels and it hurts. 

So, we had that talk, and nothing came of it. 

*head desk*

I know there’s something better out there and staying here kills me from the inside out. I want to live again. I want to smile again — really smile, on the inside. I want the air to clear so I can breathe. I want someone to make my coffee, and wear my collar, and accept my pain, and be mine. Because that’s what really living is about. I miss D/s so much.  

So why don’t I just suck it up and end things?

My mind is made up, I have a plan, I’ve made lists, and I really want to be on the other side, but I’m not ready. I’m just not. So, I’m giving myself some time… I think it is reasonable to allow myself some time… this year has kicked my ass. 

The Next Painful Step

I have been stuck in a pool of crap for a couple of months now and, let me tell you, it has been exhausting trying to keep my head out of it. Yes, it would probably be easier to just get out, but the thing is, stepping out into the unknown is utterly terrifying.

I have no excuse to stay with my husband any longer. I know I be able to make ends meet and that I can do it while taking care of the kids. I have plans and ideas thought out for other parts, however there’s a lot I won’t be able to work out until we start the divorce process. I hope we can work together rationally to get through this. If we can’t, I’m (probably) screwed.

The biggest thing holding me back is my kids. They are strong girls and I am capable of helping them work through it, I know they will be okay, I just… I don’t want to shatter their lives.

 This next step is going to be really tough.