I remember the wonderful parts of submission — what it felt like to lose myself inside another, floaty freedom that grounded my soul, a collar around my neck, the feeling of life pumping through my veins.
Oh yes, I remember.
So why not again? Why not ever?
The simple explanation is, I don’t want to, but that doesn’t make for a very interesting post, does it?
When my husband and I switched it didnt take that long for me to realize I would never be able to trust him with my submission again, which probably plays a part in how I feel about it today. I learned that I couldn’t trust the man I had been with for 16 years, and if I couldn’t trust him, who can I trust (with my submission)? But, what if I did happen upon someone I could trust? I mean, crazier things have happened.
The thing is, I can’t think of one good reason why I should submit.
Why would I kneel, when I can stand, or sit, or lay in my comfy bed? Why would I let someone hurt me, when someone would hurt for me? Why in the hell would I wash dishes or clean toilets if I don’t have to? Why give up power, when I can have more?
When I was a sub, I didn’t think I would enjoy those other options. Hell, they weren’t even options at that point. Now, however, I know, and I no longer see what benefits submission has for me.
I’ve also noticed that my brokenness doesn’t effect me in the same way. I guess you could say that I am mentally and sexually healthier. I am stronger this way. I am worth more this way.
I do not want to go back. Being selfish is just too fucking awesome to give up.