Month: June 2017

Tired

So, awhile back, my husband told me that he couldn’t stand to live this way anymore, so I told him, “You can stay or go. Do what you need to do.”

Pretty sure he was expecting a different response.

Since then, we have been very distant and civil, for the most part, but the air between us is so heavy. Add that to the kids being out of school, husband being gone most of the day (which isn’t always a bad thing), working triple the hours (from home, while I take care of said kids), and losing my “something to look forward to” because of work, the kids, and husband…

My head isn’t a great place to be these days.

I need peaceful balance, dammit.

*sigh* But, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon, so I just have to deal with it.

I feel like precious moments are being stolen from me because it takes most of my energy to hold myself together while I make it through the day. It takes away energy I could spend on my kids, on B, and myself. I see how it effects my patience, my mood, etc., and how that rains down on the rest of my life and the people I care about.

It even weighs me down to do things that make me feel good. I mean, my husband freakin’ times how long I’m in the shower, and if I’m in there longer than normal he knows I’m getting myself off. Of course he makes some remark about it to let me know that he knows. I don’t care if he knows what I’m doing, I’m not trying to hide it from him. Hell, sometimes I even laugh about his reaction, but it’s just another reminder of what we are now, and that’s exhausting.

Life is just so heavy and I’m tired of holding it up.

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Different Partner, Different Dominance

30 Days of Dominance

Day 16 – Have you found that your Dominance has changed with different partners or relationships? If you’re involved with, or have been involved with, partners of both sexes, has your Dominance changed based on gender or do you feel that it is dependent on the submissive as an individual?

There have only been two – my husband and B – and, yes, my Dominance was different with each, as it would be with anyone I took on.

I feel the best way to have control and gain power is to work with what you’re given in order to get what you want, not by forcing someone into a box because you really like how it looks. This works for me because I feed off emotions, not actions. I can’t tell you how I would dominate you until I know what you like, what you hate, what you desire, and who you are.

Take my last post for an example. It was a fantasy of mine and it definitely spoke to my vagina, but I wrote it with B in mind. Had I wrote it with my husband in mind, it would be a completely different fantasy, and it would still speak to my vagina.

So I guess you could say my Dominance stays the same below the surface, but comes out looking different.

And, just to be clear, that doesn’t mean I’m willing to dominate anyone and everyone — I have standards and limits just like everyone else.

A Morning Fantasy

I woke up feeling refreshed. I moaned and stretched reaching my arms above my head and arching my back. The pillow top mattress conformed to me and the fur blanket moved over my naked body.
A grin spread across my face as I reached for my vibrator. I was already wet. I held the toy between my legs and ran my hand over the fur, feeling my body under it. I quietly moaned as I enjoyed the senual feelings. The pressure built and my moans grew louder until I cried out in pleasure. I kept going. One wasn’t near enough. The next two orgasms left me feeling somewhat satisfied, and I was ready for coffee, so I pulled the blanket around me, eased out of bed and stepped into my slippers.
I made my way to the other side of the bedroom and stopped at the dresser where I picked up my phone and began to check my emails. I took a couple steps and sat down on the chaise. Even though there was nothing of importance in my email and I really did need coffee, I took my time enjoying the few extra minutes. When I was done, I put the phone back on the dresser and picked up a key.
I walked to the side of the bed and paused to soak in the view. Up against the wall was the cage where my slave waited inside, on all fours, for me to let it out. I giggled. The pink bunny tail anal plug was very amusing. (It is something slave hates so, naturally, I use it often. I love how it still makes me smile after all this time.)
I put the key in the lock and, before I twisted, I noticed that slave rocked forward a little bit and I assumed it was eager to be let out.
I pulled the key out.
“I just remembered that I need to tell Annie I will be at her party. I should do that right now before I forget.”
Of course I could have waited, but that would not have been as fun.
I walked back over to my phone and took my time typing the message and returning to the cage.
“Lovely morning, isn’t it, slave?” I asked while I started to unlock the door on the cage. “Did you sleep well?”
“No, Mistress. I…”
I interrupted slave with a laugh. “Aww, how sweet, you actually think I care.” I grinned and shook my head. “That’s 15 swats for being selfish. Now, get out and start the coffee, then you may use the bathroom.”
Slave crawled out and kissed my feet, then said, “Thank you, Mistress, for the lovely evening and morning.”
I patted the fur plug and said, “Go. I need coffee.”
I laughed as slave crawled out of the room. That bunny tail was just too perfect.

Clear and Continuous D/s

While I was reading a few articles that B sent me a couple days ago I started reflecting on and comparing my submission and Dominance, and how they clashed with what my husband wanted/expected.

Even though I am now on the left side of the slash, I still want my D/s dynamic to work the same way. The difference is that instead of being the one who does the dishes, I’m the one sitting comfortably on the couch doing whatever it is I want to do, while I relish knowing that someone else is doing the dishes.

And, if I wanted to, I could call them to me, just because I need a foot rest (because, you know, reasons).

And then I could punish them for not finishing the dishes.

*happy sigh* That would be the life.

But I digress…

For my husband, D/s was not ongoing – it had a beginning and an end-, while for me, it was never ending. I didn’t understand it at the time because, to me, that just isn’t how it works. It is not something I can turn off. It actually hurts to be equal, even now.

While some sides of D/s are fantasy, I needed it to feel real, and for it to feel real (to me) it has to be continuous. I didn’t need D/s to be maintained at certain level, I just needed it to be active. In a committed, emotionally involved relationship, I expect a power exchange, all the time.

That would feel real.

I picture a life where D/s is like the wind. Sometimes it barely blows, sometimes it is a gentle breeze, and sometimes it is fierce, but it is always fucking there.

I picture having a toy that I can beat and use until I’m done having my fun. I can picture that toy turning into a servant who cleans, cooks, and pleasures me. I can picture that servant turning into lover who I care for and respect. And I can picture fluctuating between those levels as needed.

But there is always a definite slash and I am always on the left.

Evolving Dominance

30 Days of Dominance 

Day 15 – Has your Dominance evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you? What do you attribute this evolution (or lack of) to?

Evolving Dominance is a timely process that takes a foundation and allows it to develop. So in order for one to evolve there must first be a foundation and then practice. Therefore I cannot say that I have evolved, but I can say that dominance has settled in and I am working on a foundation.

When my husband and I switched, I did not believe I would enjoy it. I took that step because I wanted him to be happy and for us to have a life within D/s. It didn’t take long to figure out that my body responded (in a good way) to being dominant, which ended up pushing my mind in that direction, permanently.

It only took couple months to realize it wasn’t going to work for us. I was already spread thin by the way he treated me and neglected my submission, I was very sensitive to his reactions, he wasn’t willing to learn or change, and I can’t change the way I see D/s or what kind of dynamic I thrive in. Creating a foundation in that environment and with so little time is difficult, if not impossible.

Thankfully, I have B, who is very good at supporting and encouraging my dominance to grow (which isn’t a surprise considering how much it turns him on for a woman to belittle and torment him).

With my desire to be dominant, my passion for D/s, and B backing me up, I have mananged to find a ground on which I can build, despite what state my life is in. 

Religion and Submission

30 Days of Dominance 

Day 14 – Does religion have any bearing on your Dominance or the way you expect your partner/s to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar? 

I am not religious. And even if I was still religious, it wouldn’t have a part in my Dominance.

I have read a little bit about religious based submission, but not near enough to make comparisons.