Month: April 2017

Can I Be a Good Domme?

I’m not a natural dominant, which makes me question if I could maintain a D/s relationship. I fear getting into a relationship, with the end goal being D/s, and not being able to hold up my end of the bargain. While I will admit this fear might be a tad irrational, I think it is rational to question my abilities… or perhaps question if a non-natural dominant, such as myself, can maintain a happy, fulfilling power exchange relationship. 

I really want to think that you don’t have to be a natural dominant to be a good Dominant, and I would hate for that want to cloud my view of reality. 

I can talk about what I would do all day -how I would handle struggles, how I could torture my sub, etc. -, but until I actually do it… I can only speculate.  

I know…

  • I was wasn’t strong enough to manage my husband
  • My confidence is seriously lacking, which is a big problem
  • I am an overthinker, and sometimes it gets so bad that it hinders action 
  • I want it more than I’ve wanted anything in a long time
  • I get turned on by the thought of having power over someone that is special to me
  • I have a good idea of how a healthy D/s relationship should work

I’m sure there is more I could add…

I guess I’m fearful of the unknown… I don’t want to fail someone and let myself down in the process. 

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Flexible Dominance

I have been thinking about my Dominance. What form it takes in my mind and why it takes that form. How did it get there and why the hell did I not see it before. There is also some (okay, more than some) insecurity surrounding it, because I know if my husband would have taken his role as a dominant seriously, I would not be here. 

Even though my relationship with my husband has gone down the drain and I have no physical way to express my Dominance, thankfully, I do have outlets that help me explore who I could be… who is lurking behind the curtain

Just FYI, I would be a fucking disaster if I didn’t have an outlet. 

Suppressing an urge to digress and moving on…

For me, Dominance is an overall feeling and not individual acts. In order for me to tell you how I would dominate, I need to know about the person I’m dominating. 

For example, I throughly enjoy the thought of punishment, but if I was with someone that had a bad reaction to punishment, I would find other ways to feed my Dominance (if that person was special to me).

I’m not good at chess, but that’s how I see D/s. You make moves, sometimes sacrifices, to reach an end goal. Of course, there are exceptions and sacrifices I am not willing to make, however I am quite flexible. 

The submissive is my chess board and their emotions, kinks, fetishes, limits, etc., are the chess pieces. Let me move them around as I please and I’m one satisfied Domme. Push me to move a piece and you put my vagina to sleep. 

Another part of my Dominance is fed by being a safe place for my sub. I want them to feel accepted and cared for. I want them to depend on me. I want to make moments when I can look in their eyes and see that I am their world. I want to be that kind of important. 

Corporal Punishment

30 Days of Dominance 

Day 8 – Is spanking or corporal punishment part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about spanking and/or corporal punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Yes, it is part of my dominance. 

That’s exactly what I want to know… why not? Unless I had a submissive that was a masochist, I see no reason not to take advantage of painful punishment. 

While it is not fun (for the submissive), a physically painful punishment can be very freeing. It gives an outlet for negative thoughts and feelings, and it is a way to pay for infractions so their guilt doesn’t build up and get in the way of my fun. 

There’s also the benefits I wrote about here.

Not to mention, it turns me on. 

So, I ask again, why not?

Life Can Be a Bitch

I have found that it is harder to be open about my struggles and feelings on this blog than it was on my previous blog. The urge to write is still there, but there’s not much beyond that. On some level, I think I’m trying to protect myself. If I admit to struggling – if I put it in words – I actually have to feel the weight of it. And I fucking don’t want the weight. The thing is, the weight is there no matter if I put it in words or not. I’m just ignoring it.

I am so stressed out. I’ve been with my husband since I was 19 years old. This August will mark 16 years together. SIXTEEN. I have had two kids with him. I have been in the same business as him for 14 years. I moved over a thousand miles away from my family so he could be near his. He has been my fucking life.

And it’s all falling apart.

I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to hear his voice. I don’t want him to touch me. Most of what he does annoys me. I want to punch him, preferably in the balls. I am so angry, obviously.

It is impossible to talk to him. Period. And I no longer care to try. I don’t want to talk to him and I don’t want him to talk to me. I have had enough. I have cried and suffered enough because of the way he talks to me.

I am done.

D.O.N.E.

But, there’s the kids to think about. I really wanted them to have a whole family. It fucking kills me to think about what kind of reaction they will have. It’s by far the worst part for me. I want to punch him.

There’s also a money issue. I have to find a job that will pay me enough to support the kids and I, and around here that will not be easy.

I want out. Like right now.

And, I want to punch him.

30 Days of Dominance – Day 7

Day 7 – Do you inflict discipline or punishment as part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about discipline and punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Oh, I have loads of thoughts and opinions on punishment, as do many all of us. 🙂

Before I begin I want to make it known that I realize punishment is not for everyone and if it is done it’s a very individual thing. I’m not so bold to say my way is the best way for all (or anyone), nevertheless I am bold enough to speak my opinion.

I have always been in favor of punishment and it is hard for me to picture a D/s dynamic without it. There are just so many benefits!

I want a clear line between D and s, none of that 51/49 ridiculousness, and I feel punishment is a great way to create that line. I am the authority and punishing is an easy (not to mention, fun) way to keep me in that spot. It is also a nice reminder to the submissive where their place is in the relationship.

Side note: I used to hate the saying “being put in my place” until I came across this post

Discipline is one of the best ways (imho) to reset mindsets. The type of submissive that I’m interested in does not need punishment to obey. They want to do what I’ve asked of them, they want to be respectful, they want to please me, and they want to do it if I punish them or not. So, why would I need to punish them? Well, you see, there’s this bitch called Life, and she likes to get in the way of fun. We have families, jobs, commutes, and countless other things and people that can put us in a less than desirable mood. As a submissive this can be quite painful because it directs their mind off of and away from what they want. When this happens and the sub acts out in a way that they feel guilty for and I’m not pleased with, inflicting some kind of punishment removes the submissive’s guilt, refocuses their mind back where it belongs (towards me), and it allows me to let go of the infraction as well. I also believe it would be a great tool to reset my mind. When I’ve had a long, stressful day with the kids I think punishing my sub would be a very effective reminder that it’s good to be me. 

Discipline is also a means to improve the relationship. Relationships need continuous care. I’m going to repeat that one more time…

Relationships need CONTINUOUS care.

Again, the bitch, Life, can get in the way of caring for one’s relationship, but if you let it go on for long, things tend to fall apart. One way to tend a relationship is to improve it, and since there is no flawless relationship, we can always improve. By correcting and punishing my sub I’m saying, “I care about us, I want us to be our best, and I take it very seriously.” Take it a step further and I’m also telling my sub, “I see what’s inside of you. I see that you are capable of more. You are an amazing individual and I want that to show. I support you. I am involved in you and us.”

Punishment is a very intimate act that the benefits far exceed the effort. And, since you really don’t have to put a lot of effort into it for it to be effective, why not have fun with it?! 🙂

30 Days of Dominance – Day 6

Day 6 – What do you feel are the roots of your Dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood, upbringing or parental example? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else? 

This is something I’ve yet to explore so I’m just going to write and we’ll see where it takes us. 

I do not have many dominant women in my family. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, I can’t recall one woman that lets off vibe of dominance that I can clearly feel. There’s many strong, independent women, but none that are in control of their relationship, at least as far as I know. And my family is not small. We’re talking three grandmas (four if you count the one that was added in my high school years), eight aunts, numerous cousins, and my mother. Now, you would think out of all of those women one would be dominant, and maybe there is, but to me, those relationships feel very equal or submissive on the female side. Needless to say, it doesn’t come from family influence. 

Gosh, I’m really not sure where it is rooted.

There’s definitely a sexual side… 

Vanilla sex is meaningless and insanely unsatisfying. I do not like it. I might even go as far as saying I hate it. I would rather take care of myself than have that kind of sex. 

As a submissive I was turned on by a power exchange, and as a Domme I am turned on by the same. That’s where it all happens for me. I feed off feelings. The stronger the feeling, the better. It’s the difference between being bound and being bound with an anal hook in your butt… and the difference between that and being beaten while tied up with a hook in your ass. 

However, those actions could change and, as long as the desired feelings stayed the same, I would get off on it. I would not have the same reaction beating a masochist as I would someone who disliked pain. Both could be fun! But only one has an intense beauty that reaches to my core. 

More than likely, this reaches me on such a deep level because of how I was treated as a child. No one, not even my mother, made me feel that important. My family loved and cared for me, they just didn’t put very much effort into me. Therefore, I know exactly what it means, how fucking special it is, for a non-masochist to hand over a whip. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 12

Femdom Ramblings from a submissive male

Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Oh joy.  I have a handful of these.  While I thought about going with a more tame one I’m going to go ahead and go with numero uno by a wide margin.  Funny this post is happening on April 1st, but no joke, this actually happened.

If you are squeamish and get grossed out easily you may want to stop here.  If you can laugh at things that are fairly disgusting, by all means, keep reading.

In my time between K and F I played with a sub/switch named C for about six weeks.  Her friend/roommate had actually contacted me about my collarme ad and while I was “too submissive” for her friend, C took an interest in me and offered to “train me” until I found someone…

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