I’m at a point where I feel a need to start purging my thoughts about my current situation with my husband. FYI, it’s messy.
I am not a nagging wife and I don’t like saying, or thinking, bad things about my husband. In other words, this isn’t about me pointing out his wrongs, this is me acknowledging that I matter.
I adored my husband. He was my world. He was my fresh air in a lifetime of smog. He gave me a life I didn’t think I would ever have. So I pushed aside, put up with, and overlooked many things because I knew life could be a lot worse. I knew I didn’t have it bad, and it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t ever good either. It didn’t start when we became kinky, it just got worse.
I didn’t see it until we switched. I didn’t want to see it.
Before, when I was his sub, and even before that, it was easy to blame myself. I was the one who needed to adjust, I needed to change to meet his needs, etc.. But, it’s different now.
It was, and still is, very confusing. It started of with a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like, the way I was being treated and had been treated wasn’t right. There was/is a huge internal struggle of figuring out what is real. I listened to myself think (overthinker, I am) and I could hear words from the abused. I would justify his actions, blame myself, etc.. I paid attention to how he made me feel, and it wasn’t good. In fact, he makes me feel bad more often than not.
I know on some level I accepted it because I don’t have a clear view of what I should expect — a result of childhood trauma. While I won’t use that as a way to justify his actions, I will take responsibility for putting up with it and, by doing so, enabling him.
I deserve better treatment. I’m standing up for myself, doing things that make me feel good about being me, and he’s not all that happy with who I am trying to be.