Dominant Responsibility

I have written before about how I struggled with the responsibility aspect of being in a Dominant position. It was one of the few major problems I encountered in the beginning, that really hindered me. In fact, now that I’m writing about it, the other problems I had probably stemmed off it.

I believe it is a good thing for a Dominant to know the weight of responsibility — whether you play casually or not. What we do in the realm of BDSM is not a game. You can seriously hurt someone physically… you can kill them. Don’t get me started on how bad you can mess someone up mentally — death might actually be the better option, in some cases. The amount of people out there that do not think about what they are doing, they just do whatever with no regard, is fucking disconcerting and wrong. Honestly, it pisses me off.

I digress.

I’m not here to write about others, I want to talk about where I currently am with all of this.

I trust myself. Not in a sense that I can do all the things and not make mistakes, but in the sense that I am not fucking stupid and I know myself well enough that I know I will make the best decision I can, with the information I have, by actually thinking about outcomes and what is best overall for everyone involved. I’m also pretty good at seeing ways to improve and learn from my mistakes. To me, that is a key element in being a good Domme. I expect this from myself.

If I played casually, I wouldn’t need to think as deep as I do, nevertheless, I enjoy it. I enjoy reflection and deep thought. I enjoy forethought and seeing different paths I can take. It makes my brain feel good. I love how being in control gives me an outlet for creative and productive thought.

It took me a long time to be able to say I trust myself. I couldn’t trust someone else telling me that I was a good Domme, I needed to see it for myself. I knew I could learn to spank someone, I knew I could come up with rules and punishments, etc.. I needed to see that I could not only handle the responsibility, but that I could also thrive and enjoy having it. I needed to know I would make good decisions… I needed to see myself do it because I have made so many mistakes in my life and I didn’t want to fuck up more lives than I have already.

I am confident that I can keep my subs safe while feeding my sadistic side. I am confident that I can create the twisted, dark life I want, and sustain it. I feel safer letting my darkness out, and I have even reached a point where I have realized that I actually want and like my darkness for all that it is (and pretty excited to see how it evolves).

It feels really good to finally reach this point.

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I’d Be Happy if…

I’ve made changes over the course of my life, not just recently, in search for happiness. I knew what wouldn’t make me happy (money, large house, nice car, etc.), nevertheless, I didn’t know what would make me happy, either. I just knew it was out there and I fucking wanted it. I found happy moments, I found things and people that made me feel good, I also found some peace along the way.

For the past few years, I have been doing this, “I’d be happy if…,” thing. You see, I want to live a particular kind of life. I have made so many changes over the last 6 years working towards making it happen. I’m obsessed with this shit. I think it is great that I have goals, that I have a plan, that I have something I am passionate about. I have spent so much of my life just trying to survive, that I didn’t have room to think about goals and the like, so this is a very good thing for me… it shows me that I am working on thriving instead of surviving.

Just a few months ago (maybe not even that long) I had a question slap me in the face. Will I be happy once my plan comes to fruition? Will I really be happy? Being honest with myself, I don’t think I will. I think I’ve been looking in the wrong places. I’ve been looking for people to make me happy… and I don’t think that is fair nor possible.

I have people in my life right now that make me smile and laugh. I have people that care about me and support me. I have a girl that likes it when I do mean things to her (and just hangout and watch tv with), how fucking awesome is that?! I even have someone that I want a future with and opened up to, which is… quite meaningful, to me. My kids are wonderfully unique and crazy. I have a house and car, a job that pays the bills. My life isn’t full of rainbows and magical unicorn poop, but it isn’t what it used to be. My life is good. It is good right now.

So, why am I not happy?

Why do I cry every fucking day?

Because I have wounds that haven’t healed.

That’s why.

What does this mean for my happiness?

It means I am responsible for it. It means I have work to do — I may spend the rest of my life battling demons for happiness. It means I need to hold on to the moments when I feel good, so when chaos rains I remember it won’t last forever.

A Shift that Destroyed My World so I Can Build a New One

I wrote a post the end of February 2015 (on my first blog, which is no longer active)…

What Must Be

I have realized this is something I must go through. I cannot go back and I cannot go around. All detours lead right back here. Stopping is no longer an option. Forward is the the only way.

The barricade is tall, thick, and much stronger than I.

I know this because I built it to be indestructible.

There is no path to guide my way through. No light to shine the way. No maps or “How To…” books.

Unnavigable.

Which is how I wanted it.

This barrier made it so that I could only hear incomprehensible whispers from the monsters that slither through my mind, which left me free to ignore them. A wonderful side effect. However, it blocked out much more than their voices. A trade I didn’t know I was making. Though, had I known, I might have still made it.

Each layer that has come crashing down, brings back more of what was lost.

More history.

More demons.

More love.

More anger.

More life.

More hate.

More me.

There is more left, lurking within the parts that haven’t fallen–feared unknowns waiting their turn to expose and heal.

What lies beyond is the mystery I fear the most. What will it be like? Will I be strong enough to handle it? Will it be someone that he can love? Will it hurt?

I know not how far I have come, nor how far I have left or where I will end, I only know that I must go through.


I was in a really difficult place when I wrote that. I remember the history that inspired it, the fear, how alone I felt, and tears that were shed. Yet, I was so determined to keep going. I opened a door that let the chaos back in, along with life, and I don’t regret it one little bit.

Here I am four years later and I have come so far. Although the same message applies (except for the “Will it be someone he can love?” part), I am no longer the woman who wrote that.

A mere four years. Most of the change happened within the last two years.

The foundation of who I was and the life I lived, crumbled, like an earthquake of great magnitude happened within me. And I was left with a disaster. Fragments of myself I no longer wanted. Pieces of a life I could no longer live, but morned. I was in a world I didn’t recognize, living in a body that did not feel like my own.

It has been so fucking painful.

And I am so fucking thankful.

I have had to look at some shitty parts of myself – my behaviors that are beneath me and my beliefs, my choices that had significant negative impacts on me, victimizing myself when I was not a victim and what damaged that caused, the list goes on and on- and I think it broke me in the best way possible.

I have dug deep to find the core pieces of my damage. I found some that I have blinded myself to, for far too long.

My hands hurt, my soul is banged up, my mind is a mixture of chaos and rational thoughts. I’m still going. And I’m never going to give up.

Because I am fucking hardheaded.

I am thankful for the events that helped me see and break down what wasn’t serving me in a positive way, no matter how painful they were. I am thankful for the ones that will happen in the future.

I am thankful I am not someone who lets life defeat me, but someone who takes the pain and does something with it.

I am beyond thankful I have not been completely alone and that I am loved.

Now, I rebuild. This time, I have more wisdom and life experience, and you can bet your ass I’m going to do something with it.

It’s All About the Lyrics

Not a huge fan of the video, but thought I’d share anyway.


Handwritten

The Gaslight Anthem

Pull it out, turn it up, what’s your favorite song?
That’s mine, I’ve been crying to it since I was young
I know there’s someone out there feeling just like I feel
I know they’re waiting up, I know they’re waiting to heal
And I’ve been holding my breath
Are you holding your breath
For too many years to count?
Too many years to count

And we waited for the sirens that never come
And we only write by the moon
Every word handwritten
And to ease the loss of youth
And how many years I’ve missed you
Pages plead forgiveness
Every word handwritten

Let it out, let me in, take a hold of my hand
There’s nothing like another soul that’s been cut up the same
And did you want to drive without a word in between?
I can understand, you need a minute to breathe
And to sew up the seams after all this defeat
All this defeat

And we waited for the sirens that never come
And we only write by the moon
Every word handwritten
And to ease the loss of youth
And the many, many years I’ve missed you
Pages plead forgiveness
Every word handwritten

Here in the dark, I cherish the moonlight
I’m in love with the way you’re in love with the night
And it travels from heart to limb to pen

And we waited for the sirens that never come
And we only write by the moon
Every word handwritten
Every word handwritten

And with this pen, I thee wed
From my heart to your distress

Every word handwrittenSongwriters: BRIAN FALLONĀ© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Continuing to Define My Domme Side

I continually try to pick myself apart. What do I like? Why do I like that? Why don’t I like that? How did that make me feel? Where the hell did this woman come from, I know I wasn’t her a year ago… or was she there, just dormant? What other facets are part of my whole?

I need to know these things!!

Aside from my sadistic tendencies, I’m pretty sure being in control is also a big one for me– it could be a bigger part than my sadistic side, I really don’t know at this point.

I like having things my way. I like making them my way. I want to be in control, damnit!!!!! Like, thinking about my sub having certain freedoms, kinda feels like someone sandpapering my brain. It is not cool. Thinking about controlling my sub, as little as telling them what name to address me as, kinda feels wearing and petting my fur collars, or slipping into a warm bath. It does good things for my brain.

In some cases, I have found it is extremely difficult to not let this side of me surface. I know that certain things need to be in place before control is turned up a notch (or turned on at all), and when it is turned up, other things need to be in place before it is turned up again. Nevertheless, not having control makes the Domme in me restless and, sometimes, quite upset. I’m not sure if it is my ego or if there is something else going on, I just know I don’t know how to process it, yet.

I feel like control is what makes D/s (or M/s) sustainable — sadism can only take it so far. But, I romanticize control so maybe my view is a little biased…

Defining My Domme Side

I am reluctant to write about the darkness that lurks within me. Hell, it scares me, so how are you going to view it?!

I hate being misunderstood. Usually, if I am misunderstood, that means I have failed in communicating or I haven’t been given the opportunity to explain. Yet, sometimes, people just see what they want to see — they focus on a sentence or two and don’t see the rest. That is definitely not my fault, nor is it unavoidable.

I hope people see how my darkness and kindness intertwine and work together.


Before I let my darkness out, I need to know the other person consents to and knows what they are getting into. I need to know their limitations — I will hold back if I don’t have an idea of their boundaries and what D/s looks like to them. I will not feel safe engaging with someone that can’t give me anything to go off of.

Once I feel safe…

The darkness becomes my light, the curtain is pulled back and I am at ease and comfortable in my own skin. It is good to be me. Finally! I like being me.

And, I love being mean.

Don’t get me wrong, I like having the wooden, makeshift cane in my hand, the sound of the crop on skin, bondage, my strap-on around my hips, pulling on the chain that connects the nipple clamps. Oh, yes, those are fun things. But, what I really like, what really makes me smile, is mental torment. Any kind of mental angst will do, however, those that bring on humiliation, fear, and tears are quite delicious. Bondage and implements are just a means to get what I want, they are not the end all.

The only questions that run through my head when I am in this blissful state are, “What can I say to dig deeper?” and, “What can I do to get more reactions?”

Why in the world would I want my prey to feel comfortable?! That is no fun at all! I want to poke at their delicate soul. I don’t feel bad doing so, it is fun… and that, my readers, it what scares me the most. It is the reason I fear casual play, the reason I need to feel safe before I let my darkness out, the reason I am so picky about who I engage with. I need to know my sub will see my kindness through these acts.


“Run and cry and beg for me not to hurt you, little mouse. I will let you go far enough to give you hope, and laugh when that hope fades and you submit to your fate. Once I get my hands on you, keep crying, keep begging, or just let go, it doesn’t matter, I’ll get what I want. I will savor every minute of it, from start to end. When I’m full, I’ll put you away, nice and safe locked in your little cage, until I’m ready to go again.