I Stir with Desire

She stirs behind the curtain I have yet to pull back. She’ll have to keep waiting because I will not let her out until it is safe to do so. I hear her, I feel her in the stillness of the night.

I know what she wants. And she scares me.

It will not be easy for him. Physical pain. Mental pain. Preferably both. She’ll drag it out for everything she can get. She’ll build anticipation and watch him squirm. She’ll dig and dig until she gets what she wants. Fear in his eyes, body shaking with adrenaline, tears, whimpers of humiliation and grunts of pain… she’ll take it all. She’ll use his fears, his guilt, his fantasies… she’ll use it all.

She’ll break him.

And, one day, I’ll let her.

I’ll let her do it again, and again, and again. And I’ll put him back together every time.

I’ll let her because I love him and he loves me. I want the intimacy, she wants to feed, and together we will live. We’ll thrive with him.

When he says, “Please don’t,” I will hear his soul say, “I love you, I am yours, do whatever you want,” because I will own his soul. I’m selfish enough to take his soul, I’ll take better care of it than he ever will, so it all works out… right?

He won’t be able to fool me, but I’ll let him beg anyway, because it makes her tingle. She won’t worry about it being too much. She won’t feel sorry for him. She won’t want his pain to stop.

And that is scary.

Will she change me?

I know he can take it. I know he wants it. And I wouldn’t dare do it with someone that wouldn’t respond well to such treatment, because that’s not what she’s about, nor what I am about.

I melt at the though of what he will offer, and she sits behind the curtain stirring with pure desire.


I’m Getting Somewhere!

I’ve learned a little bit more about myself in these last few weeks. I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere, that I’m learning, that I have more answers, that I’m not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I mean, I still feel sorry for myself, but it is really good to have more going on than just that.

One of the bigger realizations I’ve had is how I view owning a sub. The mindset I take on — the responsibility and expectations in myself, and how I think the relationship should work. I didn’t even realize I went there until it dawned on me that “you are my sub” and “you are a sub I play with” are two totally different things.

It was one of those realizations that trickle down and help other things make sense. It was definitely something I needed to see, as it has helped me in my current situation.

By seeing what “you are my sub” means to me, I have been able to adjust my way of thinking to better fit where I am now. I’m still working on it, but it is coming together.

Mostly, I was unconsciously trying to be someone, to express feelings, to create something that can’t be, right now. (Cue feeling sorry for myself.) It freaking hurts, but it was more uncomfortable and (probably) damaging to stay in that mindset. Now I am able to step away from some of the expectations I had for myself (that I wasn’t able to meet) and try to figure out a different way.

I think this will end up being a very good thing.

Dominant Responsibility

I did not step into the Domme role eagerly. I wavered, even after I knew how much it turned me on, even after I felt awesome (on the inside) for the first time in my life, even after I found passion in my heart.

I wavered because of the responsibility.

I can handle responsibility, I want the responsibility, but will I muck it all up?

That is what made me question myself. I will not be okay if I mess it up.

The are all kinds of subs out there, all offering something different… The kind of sub I want for my own, offers their all. I will take nothing less than their all because that’s how D/s works for me. With this comes greater responsibility, and greater reward. But, oh, the responsibility!

In this situation I will have the power to seriously screw my sub up. I could break them in a bad way. I could physically hurt them in a bad way. One wrong move… and I am responsible for what comes of it. And, no doubt, I will see it. I will not put the blame on them, I will not be able to ignore it, because I have not been given the luxury to do so, like some of the assholes out there.

Anxiety is building just thinking about it.

I know this comes from being hurt as a sub. I know what it feels like and I don’t ever want to make someone I love feel that way.

What I am beginning to realize is that… I will also have the power to bring out their best. I can do that because I will know how their submission works. I know that even when I make a mistake (I will make mistakes), they are in good hands and I will make it right, and I will better myself in the process. I trust myself to show how much I love them, how I appreciate what they give me and what I take from them.

I can trust my sadistic side to operate under my standards, as well.

I did not step into my Domme shoes on an impulse. Maybe it has been silly of me to think that I would be negligent or that my all wouldn’t be enough… Maybe it is time to loosen up a little… Maybe it is time I accept that I will be a good Domme…

I am NOT a Natural

But, I do have a burning desire. And even in the absence of a D/s life, that fire continues to grow hotter and brighter.

Desire can’t be learned, but Dominance (and submission) can.

This realization is huge for me.

(Yes, yes, I hear you saying, “I’ve been telling you this for months.” I was listening, I just wasn’t ready to believe.)

I used to speak of submission pumping the poison out of my veins and filling them with life. It did do that but, without fail, the poison would always come flooding back and I would hate myself for it. Submission did not change my vanilla side, it didn’t inspire me to do great things or better myself.

Dominance also pumps life into my veins, but it does not push the poison out… because there is no poison. I will not take full control of someone until I can control myself and my life. I want them to fully trust me and, to get there, I need to trust myself first. So, I am working on these things. I will get there. I will do great things with my life.

Fuck being “natural” and ask yourself what you want. How bad do you want it and what are you willing to do in order to get there?

I’m going to do whatever it takes.

What Dominance Does For Me

Being Domme is great for a lot of reasons, some are more obvious – feeling power, massages, pampering, being adored, chaining someone up – but, for me, there’s more to it.

Back when I was Dominating my (soon-to-be) Ex, there was a moment. I was laying on my bed with his head between my legs and, for what might have been the first time in my life, I felt… “IT IS GOOD TO BE ME!” Now, this has little to do with what he was doing with his tongue and a lot more to do with how I was being treated. It was huge for me. I honestly can’t remember enjoying being me, before that moment. Of course, I had enjoyed moments in my life, I just never really liked being me. And that changed when I became Domme. Which also means that I get to be me. No conforming. No worrying about not being the perfect house wife. I am free to be me, I couldn’t do that through submission.

Something even more amazing … I have always had issues with sex because I was molested as a child. When someone would touch me sexually in certain ways, especially my breasts, it made me want to take a bath in boiling water. At its worse, I would be very depressed for days afterward. I am now in control of sex, if I don’t want to be touched, it won’t happen… or someone will get punished, or dismissed. Somehow, having this control has healed me.

I know when I get to live the lifestyle, the protocols, routines, punishments, etc., will bring order to the madness in my head. It is how I work within a relationship. The bonus is that I get highly aroused by the same.

And this isn’t even all of it!

I want to practice and strengthen my Dominant side because I love who I am and how I feel in this role.

“I Shouldn’t Have to…”

There are Doms and Dommes that feel “they shouldn’t have to… .” That they should just say, “Do this everyday,” and have it done everyday without checking to make sure “this” got done. They shouldn’t have to punish, or shouldn’t have to set a routine, or shouldn’t have to, you know, actually dominate their sub.

Now, I’m not going to tell any Dominant what to do with their sub, but I will say that by saying “I shouldn’t have to” anything, outside of something that caters directly to the dynamic, you are probably hurting your relationship, and your sub. You are better off saying, “I don’t want to.”

I’m telling you, that is so much easier for a sub to accept.

If you require something of your sub that they do not already enjoy doing, like washing the dishes for example. Yes, it is your job, as the Dominant, to make sure it gets done. Period. If you don’t want to tell them everyday to wash the dishes, give them a reason to wash the dishes, be it reward or punishment, and odds are those dishes are going to get done. After it becomes a habit, you won’t have to check up on it as often, or not at all.

It really isn’t complicated.

I also feel it is very important for the Dominant to enjoy what they do (or at the very least, the outcome of what they do) within their D/s relationship. Make it a game. Use the reward or punishment to your benefit. Have fun with it, for goodness sake.

If it isn’t fun, if you hate it and feel like you “shouldn’t have to,” then don’t do it, say you are not going to, and let it go.

I will add, this is my opinion and you don’t have to agree with me. I’m sure I left out some stuff I will later regret not saying. I am happy to hear what you think, even if you disagree.