Impatient

I am stuck in the present, fighting my past to become who I want to be. It is very uncomfortable and I just want it to be done. I want to be on the other side.

I went through this as a sub and I didn’t want to do it again, alas, here I am. *sigh*

I have not been happy with myself lately because I know I can be more. The future me is waiting impatiently behind the curtain for her time. I’d let her out if I knew how…

There is so much I have to overcome and so much that I’m up against…

I have been this other way for so long and I know it takes time to change, but, damnit, I want to be more right this second.

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Feeling Pretty Awesome

I was so nicely nominated twice for the Liebster. Thank you Scarlet and furcissy, I really appreciate the thought.

There are some rules that go along with this award – I’m supposed to answer questions and nominate people and ask them questions – but, I’m going to break the rules (Dommes can do that, right?), and just answer the questions I was asked…. ’cause that’s the part I enjoy.

Questions from furcissy

1. If you were a cartoon character, who would you be?

This is question is kicking my butt… Characters from cartoons my kids watch keep popping in my head, but I’m no ghoul or pony (although Rainbow Dash is pretty awesome). I’m not completely satisfied with my choice but, I’m gonna go with Elsa from Frozen. She hid an important part of herself to protect those around her and learned the hard way that it was better to embrace that side of her rather than stifle it. She is a queen. And, come on, she can magically make a house out of ice, how cool is that? I could also make furcissy his own personal snow flurry so he could wear his earmuffs all the time… I’m thoughtful like that.

2. If napalm in the morning smells like victory, what do you think defeat smells like?

Poop.

3. What did you want to be when you grew up?  Are you that now?

I wanted to be an artist or a veterinarian. Art is a hobby of mine, so, yes, I am an artist. I am not disappointed to say that I am not a veterinarian.

4. If you knew you were going to be stranded on a deserted island, aside from food/water, what are three things you couldn’t live without?

Easy. A solar powered communication device that works anywhere in the world so I can call someone to get my ass out of there, a slave, and enough coffee to last me until I was rescued.

5. If you were the owner of a magic wish-granting machine, who would you let use it?  Why?

No one, because wishes end up backfiring and I do believe there is a reason why things happen the way they do.

6. If someone said to you, “I am the alpha and omega,” how would you respond to them?

🙄

7. Do you think that dreams have meaning?<<
Definitely.

8. If you could start over with D/s (including your resetting mind’s and body’s responses), would you still choose the same role?  Why?<<
I would not change a thing, I am on this path for a reason.

9. Do you enjoy feeling naughty?  Is it better or worse than nice?<<<
Being naughty is fun! Hmmm, I guess it would depend on the situation and who I was being naughty or nice to.

10. Are you glad that you started blogging?  Why?<<<
Through blogging I found a voice I didn't know I had, I can look back to see how far I have come, I have learned so much and made connections that have impacted my life… I am so glad I started blogging.

Questions from Scarlet

1. How long have you been writing and how did you begin?<<<
I started my other blog a little over four years ago. I began because I was inspired by a writer to share my journey, the ups and downs and everything in between.

2. What is the thing you love most about D/s and the community?<<<
I love the way D/s makes me feel. When I am in its mist, life pushes the poison from my veins and I feel alive. I make sense this way.

I can't say I am involved in the community, as I only have few people I chat with online.

3. If cream is to coffee what milk is to chocolate, _______ is to you as what is to tea?<<<
Sugar.

4. What is your five year plan?*stressed look* I am still working on my one year plan.

5. If you could have any job in the world, money and education no object, what would you choose?<<<
Art. I would make beautiful things through art.

6. If you could right one “wrong” about the world we live in what would it be?<<<
Mental illness… they're bitches.

7. If I asked you to murder one person, no consequences, would you? And if so, who would it be?<<<
Yes, I would — no doubt, and no hesitation. My dad. (Feel free to judge, I probably would if I were you, but it is not without good reason.)

8. What ruined your generation?<<<
MySpace.

9. What is your biggest failure?<<<
My education.

10. What inspires you to blog?<<<
Readers, and I want to be heard.

Thanks again for nominating me. It was fun to answer the questions.

‘Tis the Time for Treats

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza! 

The hardest part of this great event is actually picking a recipe. In years past I have pretty much waited until the last day or two to make up my mind. This year was not an exception, however, one cannot complain when the result is the best chocolate cake in the world sitting on my table.

Okay, I am sure there is a better cake out there, but this one really is quite lovely — I wouldn’t be sharing it with you if it wasn’t. I have used it for birthdays and just because, and always get compliments from others. I’m sure it would go well with a cup of coffee in the morning… and a small piece after lunch would be a wonderful treat… not that I know anything about that… ahem.

I asked my kids for a review.

Oldest… “It is perfect!” (*smug look*)

Youngest… “It is too chocolaty.” (*gasp* Impossible!)

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Chocolate Cake

Chocolate Cake

  • 1 3/4 cups sugar
  • 2 cups flour
  • 3/4 cup baking cocoa
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1/2 cup of oil
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla
  • 3/4 cup of hot, strong coffee (or hot water)
  1. Heat oven to 350°F.
  2. Grease and flour two 9in round baking pans. (I put parchment paper in the bottom of mine).
  3. Stir dry ingredients together.
  4. Add eggs, milk, oil, and vanilla, and mix for a couple of minutes.
  5. Stir in coffee. It will be thin.
  6. Pour into pans.
  7. Bake for 30-35 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean.
  8. Cool for 5-10 minutes before you try to remove from the pans.

If you are looking for a good icing, this is absolutely my favorite.

Here is a list of all the other bloggers participating, I do hope you take the time to check them out. Also, a special thanks for Jz for putting in the work to make this happen — you’re awesome.

Baker
Bleue
blossom
Bogey and Bacall
Cat
collaredmom
DelFonte
Ella
Greengirl
Jz
Katie
Kelly
Lindy
Mrs. Fever
nilla
Olivia
ronnie
Ryan
Sassy
selkie (recipe here)

Mark Your Calendars

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza is coming on December 7th!!

Check out the details here, but, basically, it is a day of recipe fun.

There are a few things I’d like to point out.

  • The recipes are not limited to cookies. I have participated three times and not one of my recipes were for cookies. (What can I say, I’m a rebel.)
  • It is a great way to find new blogs and for new people to find your blog.
  • I have seen people mix kink in their post, some share links to recipes they’ve found online, others just post their recipe, and everything in between. The important part is to have fun.
  • If you want to participate (and, really, why wouldn’t you?) you need to sign up by December 5th. For sign up info go to either link in this post.

Also, gotta give Jz, at A Reluctant Bitch, a shout-out because she makes this event possible and I really enjoy her blog. Please go check her out even if you aren’t interested in the extravaganza.

Liking It; The Struggle Is Real

When one first steps into the pool of BDSM it can be quite shocking to find out that you like things that are… well… not normal things that might be considered crazy. It just might turn out that you like a lot of those not-so-normal things and start to crave them, and that can feel pretty messed up.

When you’re new it takes time for those things to sink in. It takes time for you to accept that they are okay to like and they are not bad (as long as you like it and the one you’re doing it with likes it). And, eventually, those things don’t feel so fucked up… or they may still feel fucked up, but they make sense, in a weird, fucked up way.

Submission is soooooo hard in the beginning, but it might actually be a bit harder for new Dominants… or perhaps it is equally hard, and it is the types of hard that are different… nevertheless, it is hard.

I will just talk about “liking it” in this post.

We are taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. Hurting people is bad. Making fun of people is bad. Using people selfishly is bad. This does not mesh well with Dominance, at all.

Even I, who had a few years of submission under my belt, had trouble accepting that it is okay to like it. I know how submission works, I know why it works, I know what makes it thrive… I knew this, yet, I still felt guilty for doing it, for wanting it, for getting turned on by it, as a Dominant.

“I should not like these things,” ran through my head regularly. It is not easy to keep Dominating when you feel like it shouldn’t be okay.

I experienced a recoil, of sorts, often. I would do Dominant things and it was so wonderful in the moment. I would be stretched out in a good way, but then afterwards, I would start to really think about what I had done and how much I liked it. I would start to feel really fucked up, that’s when I would recoil. Same thing happened to me as a sub, but this time, I was the Dominant doing the “dirty work.” And, if I stopped, it all stopped, and I did not want it to stop. There was no “just do what I’m told, push through.”

I hate to admit it, but I can remember many times, as a submissive, thinking, “Why is it so hard for him to xyz?” … “Why doesn’t he just xyz?”

Yeah, my bad.

So, how did I get past it?

Time.

Not giving up.

Figuring out that it is truly okay, as long as the one I’m doing it to, wants it.

And, the most important (in my eyes), a wonderful submissive (not my husband!) that encouraged my Dominance. He managed to give me a spot to build a foundation without pressuring me into it. He never made me feel like I was doing something wrong or that I needed to be more than what I was in that moment (I did want to be more, I still want to be more, but that’s another post). His acceptance of me allowed me to accept myself.

Side note: Kinda neat how that acceptance works both ways.

Thoughts About Blogging

I’m a little hesitant to write about the evil that lurks within me because of how it might be viewed. It’s not that I care how you view me, I care about the way I portray how I think and feel, if that makes sense. 

I enjoy reading blogs written by all types of people on all walks through BDSM. I especially enjoy deliciously evil Dommes in committed, long term relationships – there are so few in blogland (that I have found) – because I feel they get the most out of their relationships, and I want that. However, there is a lot lurking behind their words that isn’t always easy for readers to see. It is easy to see the evil and miss reasons. 

I don’t want you to miss my reason. I want you to see how I care and love through my evil. But, maybe that is a bit too ambitious? 

I also have noticed that I am not as open about my struggles as I was when I was a sub. I honestly can’t tell you why, but I think that needs to change. Dominants struggle and I am not an exception to that.

I am here to share my journey and have a place to express my feelings openly and honestly… somehow, I forgot that. 

What If…

I’ve been thinking along the same lines as my last post, wondering what if I had someone that was able and willing to give me everything I want… what would I do with that? What would I want? What kind of Domme would I be with someone willing to give me their all and allow me to take the rest?

These questions are not so easy to answer because I’m new and I’m really good at overthinking. I mean, what if this sub has physical limitations. Have they been through any traumatic experiences? Do they eat well and exercise? Are they a woman or a man? Do they like things in their bottom? What kind of goals do they have?… all important things to know! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

But, all the details aside, when you get to the bottom of it, I want the freedom to do want I want to do. 

Of course, I want the relationship to be healthy, safe, and consensual. I want them to thrive. I want them to love being mine.   

But, yeah, I want freedom. 

I want them to be open to trying new things. I want them to struggle and suffer. I want to see tears. I want to be mean. I want to be unfair. I want them to endure for me.