Over the past week or so I have had some serious growth happen and, while I could have done it on my own, I had help. The help I received made it go quicker and better than I ever would have been able to do on my own, and I am so grateful for it. It helped me so much.
For the past year, my life has been heavier than it has been in a long time. This is the kind of heavy I worked hard to avoid, and yet, here I am.
I thought my husband was someone he wasn’t. That’s my bad, but it has turned my world upside down. I depended on him to keep me sane, to keep me grounded, to give me a life that was better than I dreamed I would ever have (turns out, I can make my own). The ground fell from under me and I had no net. It hurt. And it had to happen.
I tried to focus on other things, but… those were heavy too. Everything was heavy. I didn’t know what to do about anything, so I couldn’t do anything, and it just sucked.
The help I received really pushed me look at myself. This is what I needed. I kept looking at what others needed and I tried to… find a happy ground where I could… I’m not sure how to explain… Take my husband for example, I know he has been struggling, this isn’t any easier on him than it is on me, so I tried not to make it worse. By doing that I made sacrifices that did no good for me, they actually knocked me down, which rained down on B. I love him, and it hurt me to hurt him, and… ugh… it was a huge mess.
So I was able to step outside of that and look at me. What did I need? Who am I? Me. ME. ME!
I had no idea that I could figure out what I needed to do by looking at what I needed!
It is mind blowing.
Yes, sometimes I can be a bit dense.
I am glad someone made me question myself and what I have. It made me see that I can trust myself, I can trust my judgment, and I know what I need.
B and I had a few talks. They were hard on both of us because we’ve been in this mess and we were already hurting, but we did it. This is something my husband was never willing to do. This is what it means to be in a committed relationship — not giving up when the going gets tough. B and I have a foundation, we connect, we have common believes and views, he makes me laugh and makes me feel important in ways that matter the most. He is amazing. I also need to see that he is really lucky to have me… this is a key that I was missing before, and I couldn’t see it because I wasn’t looking at me (correction: I was actually looking at my faults). I was making a sacrifice that actually hurt us both. I can trust myself to do what is right for both of us. I know now that have power over him and I know that he is okay if I use that power. I trust myself with this power because I know I can keep him safe… I can keep him safe because I love him. We can make this work even with all the miles between us. And when I can finally lock him in real chains, I will already have chains around his soul. *evil laugh*
So, today I am smiling. I feel good. I have some more hard times in front of me, but I now have the strength to get through it. I don’t need anyone to hold me up, but I definitely need people standing beside me… and one below me, on his knees.