Deal Breakers

In order for me to have any kind of relationship a connection must come first. I’m not going to put any effort into someone I don’t get along with and I’m not going to invest in someone I don’t trust. If someone doesn’t meet those prerequisites, there’s no chance for it to go anywhere. 

I love anal play, nipple clamps, and bondage, but they are not deal breakers (though bondage is very close to that edge). The anal hook is still at the top of my favorites (especially because it will never go in my butt again). I love how versatile it is. I love how they look. I love when a submissive is scared of it. I love it, but it doesn’t have to be a thing. 

I love the idea of someone kneeling before me. It symbolizes respect, gratitude, and status. While I appreciate the strength it takes to kneel, I believe one should think it is a privilege to kneel before me (because I will not give that place to just anyone). The act makes me wet just thinking about it, but it’s not a deal breaker. 

I like orgasm control, humiliation, and all kinds of stuff, but I’m willing to work around those things because there’s more than one way to get a D/s feel. 

Nevertheless, there are things I’m not willing to live without. 

I expect obedience. I will always take into account someone’s boundaries and all that other stuff…I wouldn’t ask someone to obey in a way that they could not. 

I expect my sub to be pleasing. I will always take into account someone’s boundaries and all that other stuff…I wouldn’t ask someone to be pleasing in a way that they could not. 

I won’t do D/s without punishment. Period. However, I am flexible on the type of punishments. 

I will not turn off D/s. I am always the Dominant and they are the submissive, it doesn’t stop because we are not in the bedroom. 

This lifestyle is so important to me, I will not take any of it for granted. It gives me life. It is the only way I can enjoy sex. It is how I want to show my love. Anyone who doesn’t take it seriously, will be no sub of mine. 

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Communication 

Yes, I started this thing like six months ago and I’m still not done. Just roll with it. 

30 Days of Dominance

Day 18 – There is a common misconception that the submissive partner in a D/s relationship loses the ability to have and express an opinion. How does communication factor into your Dominance and what expectations do you have in terms of your submissive expressing their desires and needs? Is it limited in time, place or manner? 

I’m going to ignore the statement and move right to the questions…

First off, there is a big difference between “communication” and “effective communication.” The clearer things are, the better a relationship will flow. Talking can suck, it can be hard and uncomfortable, and sometimes feelings will get hurt, but it has to happen from everyone involved in the relationship. 

It seems like there is a lot of emphasis on submissives communicating their needs, wants, ideas, mindset, etc., but I haven’t seen as much on the need for Dominants to communicate. Clear communication from a Dom is so important. So. Fucking. Important. (I’m far from perfect in this area, but working on it.)

I also it feel it is worth mentioning that words don’t mean anything without actions backing them up. 

I expect needs to be voiced as soon as possible. If my sub is feeling off in any way, I need to know. If they are hurt physically, I need to know. If we are knee deep in a bondage scene and they need to pee, I need to know (at the very least I could get a bucket… ‘cause I’m nice like that). Keeping in mind, sometimes a discussion needs to happen for therapeutic reasons, not just to get answers/solutions.

I definitely want to know desires, however there are inappropriate times and inappropriate ways to express them. Common sense can be used for the most part, and correction is important if the sub gets it wrong (ahem, ahem, effective communication/action). 

I like the idea of having a set day/time for talking freely. I really enjoy communication through writings, sharing pictures and such. I think the more ways you communicate the better. 

The Lure of Chastity

Orgasm control and denial are great on their own, but I see more opportunities for enjoyment with chastity.

Since control reaches me on such a deep level, the control factor alone is enough to convince me it is a good idea. If I lock it up and keep the key, even though his penis is attached to his body, it would be mine. He could not, without a doubt, touch his penis in a pleasurable way unless I release him. He could not orgasm without me. Hell, he couldn’t even get fully erect without me. It also takes away his choice (which I happen to know does wonders for the submissive mind), making him more pliable to my will. And if that’s not control, I don’t know what is.

So, if I’m fully in control of what happens or doesn’t happen to his penis, I’m bound to be a pretty important person in his life (this is his “manhood” we’re talking about). If he isn’t pleasing to me, he doesn’t even have a chance at getting what he wants. I think it’s safe to assume this would encourage him to put greater effort into making sure I am happy. This aspect would make me feel special.

I can also use it to be mean. I think it would be great fun to put him in situations that turn him on, just to watch the expression on his face when his penis is straining against the cage. I would definitely enjoy having him serve myself and another female Dominant while in chaste. I could threaten to never let him out because I like him locked up so much…I can always use a dildo when I am in need. Chastity belt = never ending fun.

This little device helps create an overall feeling that is very appealing to me. It helps defines status, adds to the dynamic, gives me control, and turns me on… Yep, chastity is a must.

Porn

For the most part, I haven’t ever been able to really get into porn. Don’t get me wrong, porn has its appeal (boobs are always nice to look at), however I found that written stories had a more lasting impression.

I think vanilla porn is either comical or boring. (Yes, the house is on fire, but, Mr. Fireman, will you fuck me now?) Aside from horrible plots and exaggerated sounds, which is only good for a laugh, it is a waste of my time.

When I was a sub, BDSM porn did not get my juices flowing enough to keep me watching. Even though it was exciting, I cringed through most of it. There was no reason behind the action, so it lost a lot of my interest.

Recently have been making a point to watch more videos, specifically Femdom, and, I’m happy to say, my vagina and I have found it to be enjoyable in ways I didn’t expect. For example, there are things going on in these videos that I would not do and instead of being turned off by them, they actually have potential to do the opposite. To think I will never again put my mouth on a penis, is exciting. Not only is the act unreasonable (because giving blow jobs gives me no pleasure whatsoever), but taking that away from my sub is just too damn good to pass up (because I know how much pleasure it would give him). So, every time I see a Dominant giving a blow job I can’t help but get a little turned on because I know I’ll never have to do that again. 

There is one video that keeps popping into my head, and not because it’s one of those that leaves me wishing I could unsee it, but because it surprised me in a good way. There were two female subs and a Domme (off to a great start!). One sub was tied to a chair and, by going off the mascara running down her face, she had already endured some unpleasant things. The other sub was being instructed by the Domme when to turn on a electro device (that was connect to the sub in the chair) and what level to set it at. So, they start doing their thing… the Domme was right up next to the girl in the chair with a wonderful smile on her face and the sub was nodding her head, answering questions, and crying. Every so often the Domme would slightly nod, cueing to turn on the device, and the sub would scream out in pain.

This is a perfect example of a video I would not have liked to watch as a sub (even if I wouldn’t have minded to be used in a similar way), yet now… the expressions on the sub’s face, the way her eyes looked, and how she screamed out… it was fucking hot. Her face was messy, she was scared and determined, and so beautiful (and not just because of her features). She accepted the pain for the enjoyment of others. She was willing prey and the Domme was eating it up. 

And, clearly, it did something for me, too. 

Adjusting the Plan

Even though I made up my mind months ago and I have a rough plan for during and after the divorce…things are at a standstill…or, more accurately, I’m at a standstill. Overthinking probably has a little to do with it. 

I told him weeks ago that I can’t live like this, divorce is the only way either one of us could have a chance at happiness. He wanted to know why (*loud sigh*), so I explained to him, for the millionth fucking time, why we fell apart and why we can’t go back. I believe he keeps asking because he hopes for a different response, a crack in my resolve to pounce on. 

One moment that is etched in my brain from that conversation… To point a wrong of mine, he told me that I no longer ask how his day went. He hardly ever asked how my day was, which I pointed out (and should have pointed out years and years ago). His response was, “I thought your love for me was strong enough that I didn’t need to ask.” … “You’re just here with the kids all day.”

Yeah, that’s wrong on so many levels and it hurts. 

So, we had that talk, and nothing came of it. 

*head desk*

I know there’s something better out there and staying here kills me from the inside out. I want to live again. I want to smile again — really smile, on the inside. I want the air to clear so I can breathe. I want someone to make my coffee, and wear my collar, and accept my pain, and be mine. Because that’s what really living is about. I miss D/s so much.  

So why don’t I just suck it up and end things?

My mind is made up, I have a plan, I’ve made lists, and I really want to be on the other side, but I’m not ready. I’m just not. So, I’m giving myself some time… I think it is reasonable to allow myself some time… this year has kicked my ass. 

The Next Painful Step

I have been stuck in a pool of crap for a couple of months now and, let me tell you, it has been exhausting trying to keep my head out of it. Yes, it would probably be easier to just get out, but the thing is, stepping out into the unknown is utterly terrifying.

I have no excuse to stay with my husband any longer. I know I be able to make ends meet and that I can do it while taking care of the kids. I have plans and ideas thought out for other parts, however there’s a lot I won’t be able to work out until we start the divorce process. I hope we can work together rationally to get through this. If we can’t, I’m (probably) screwed.

The biggest thing holding me back is my kids. They are strong girls and I am capable of helping them work through it, I know they will be okay, I just… I don’t want to shatter their lives.

 This next step is going to be really tough.  

Why I Won’t Submit Again

I remember the wonderful parts of submission — what it felt like to lose myself inside another, floaty freedom that grounded my soul, a collar around my neck, the feeling of life pumping through my veins. 

Oh yes, I remember. 

So why not again? Why not ever? 

The simple explanation is, I don’t want to, but that doesn’t make for a very interesting post, does it? 

When my husband and I switched it didnt take that long for me to realize I would never be able to trust him with my submission again, which probably plays a part in how I feel about it today. I learned that I couldn’t trust the man I had been with for 16 years, and if I couldn’t trust him, who can I trust (with my submission)? But, what if I did happen upon someone I could trust? I mean, crazier things have happened. 

The thing is, I can’t think of one good reason why I should submit. 

Why would I kneel, when I can stand, or sit, or lay in my comfy bed? Why would I let someone hurt me, when someone would hurt for me? Why in the hell would I wash dishes or clean toilets if I don’t have to? Why give up power, when I can have more?

When I was a sub, I didn’t think I would enjoy those other options. Hell, they weren’t even options at that point. Now, however, I know, and I no longer see what benefits submission has for me. 

I’ve also noticed that my brokenness doesn’t effect me in the same way. I guess you could say that I am mentally and sexually healthier. I am stronger this way. I am worth more this way. 

I do not want to go back. Being selfish is just too fucking awesome to give up.