Why I Won’t Submit Again

I remember the wonderful parts of submission — what it felt like to lose myself inside another, floaty freedom that grounded my soul, a collar around my neck, the feeling of life pumping through my veins. 

Oh yes, I remember. 

So why not again? Why not ever? 

The simple explanation is, I don’t want to, but that doesn’t make for a very interesting post, does it? 

When my husband and I switched it didnt take that long for me to realize I would never be able to trust him with my submission again, which probably plays a part in how I feel about it today. I learned that I couldn’t trust the man I had been with for 16 years, and if I couldn’t trust him, who can I trust (with my submission)? But, what if I did happen upon someone I could trust? I mean, crazier things have happened. 

The thing is, I can’t think of one good reason why I should submit. 

Why would I kneel, when I can stand, or sit, or lay in my comfy bed? Why would I let someone hurt me, when someone would hurt for me? Why in the hell would I wash dishes or clean toilets if I don’t have to? Why give up power, when I can have more?

When I was a sub, I didn’t think I would enjoy those other options. Hell, they weren’t even options at that point. Now, however, I know, and I no longer see what benefits submission has for me. 

I’ve also noticed that my brokenness doesn’t effect me in the same way. I guess you could say that I am mentally and sexually healthier. I am stronger this way. I am worth more this way. 

I do not want to go back. Being selfish is just too fucking awesome to give up.

Part of the Core

30 Days of Dominance

Day 17 – What does trust mean to you in the context of Dominance? How do you inspire trust in your submissive?

I think we can all agree that trust is important in any relationship, however, I feel that trust within D/s (and the like) reaches a much deeper level. It is crucial. I can’t think of one area of D/s that trust isn’t a part of, and if it starts to break, the relationship breaks with it.

It is a lot like trusting someone to pack a parachute you will, without a doubt, be using. There are a lot of ways shit can go wrong – emotionally and physically – and it has potential to break you in a scary, bad way.

When I say I want to own someone, in part that means that I want them to trust me enough to pack their parachute.

In the beginning, I expect them to watch me pack it, to ask questions, and talk it out. This is one way to build trust. And, to be honest, it would also help me build trust/confidence in myself… I’m sure as hell not going to do that on my own until I know for sure what the hell I’m doing.

I might have built this up into more than it really needs to be, but that’s how I view the responsibility of owning someone. It is that important to me because I want all of them. I want them to trust me to keep and use their soul.

From my experience as a submissive with my husband, I learned quite a few ways to break trust. The good side to that is that I, as a Dominant, can make sure to never fail my sub in the same ways.

Holding true to your word, being honest, being open (with some exceptions), communicating effectively (this includes listening and talking), showing appreciation, respecting limits, acceptance, and putting in continuous effort to learn are a few ways to deserve a submissive’s trust.

And, trust me, one must be deserving of it to reap all the benefits.

Past, Present, and Future

I can remember what it felt like when I realized he had given up and I was never going to be his sub. I was devastated. It felt like he had taken the life out of my veins. (For a better understanding, you can read this.)

Then, I found out that most of the pictures he looked at on Tumblr were of Dominant women. Which, btw, he now says he likes because they are good pictures… like he is only interested in the artistic value. *rolls eyes*  Like he’s going to look at naughty pictures that don’t get his juices flowing.

Getting back on track…

I was just glad to have D/s back on the table, ya’ know? It gave me purpose and direction. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I realized fairly quickly that it wasn’t going to work with me in control either, and I gave up completely on D/s. Interestingly enough, it was not as painful as it was losing D/s the first time.

Having that little bit of control gave me a different perspective and I started to see all the ways he wronged me and how I pushed it down and away. I hurt us a great deal by doing that, I should have spoken up. I had my reasons, and I was wrong. That’s not to lessen what he did, by any means, it’s just that I see where we both went wrong.

I do not regret bringing D/s into our lives. I am mad and hurt that… he did the things he did, but I no longer wish that it was different. I don’t want him to be my sub, I don’t want him to be my Dom, and I don’t want to be his vanilla wife. I don’t wish he had treated me differently, because I have a feeling our relationship has run its course exactly as it was meant to, and I’m headed somewhere better.

I am not in an ideal situation, life is hard and I’m tired, but this is my road, the same road I started on 35 years ago, I’m just getting ready to make a long, hard turn.

Bring it on!

Tired

So, awhile back, my husband told me that he couldn’t stand to live this way anymore, so I told him, “You can stay or go. Do what you need to do.”

Pretty sure he was expecting a different response.

Since then, we have been very distant and civil, for the most part, but the air between us is so heavy. Add that to the kids being out of school, husband being gone most of the day (which isn’t always a bad thing), working triple the hours (from home, while I take care of said kids), and losing my “something to look forward to” because of work, the kids, and husband…

My head isn’t a great place to be these days.

I need peaceful balance, dammit.

*sigh* But, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon, so I just have to deal with it.

I feel like precious moments are being stolen from me because it takes most of my energy to hold myself together while I make it through the day. It takes away energy I could spend on my kids, on B, and myself. I see how it effects my patience, my mood, etc., and how that rains down on the rest of my life and the people I care about.

It even weighs me down to do things that make me feel good. I mean, my husband freakin’ times how long I’m in the shower, and if I’m in there longer than normal he knows I’m getting myself off. Of course he makes some remark about it to let me know that he knows. I don’t care if he knows what I’m doing, I’m not trying to hide it from him. Hell, sometimes I even laugh about his reaction, but it’s just another reminder of what we are now, and that’s exhausting.

Life is just so heavy and I’m tired of holding it up.

Different Partner, Different Dominance

30 Days of Dominance

Day 16 – Have you found that your Dominance has changed with different partners or relationships? If you’re involved with, or have been involved with, partners of both sexes, has your Dominance changed based on gender or do you feel that it is dependent on the submissive as an individual?

There have only been two – my husband and B – and, yes, my Dominance was different with each, as it would be with anyone I took on.

I feel the best way to have control and gain power is to work with what you’re given in order to get what you want, not by forcing someone into a box because you really like how it looks. This works for me because I feed off emotions, not actions. I can’t tell you how I would dominate you until I know what you like, what you hate, what you desire, and who you are.

Take my last post for an example. It was a fantasy of mine and it definitely spoke to my vagina, but I wrote it with B in mind. Had I wrote it with my husband in mind, it would be a completely different fantasy, and it would still speak to my vagina.

So I guess you could say my Dominance stays the same below the surface, but comes out looking different.

And, just to be clear, that doesn’t mean I’m willing to dominate anyone and everyone — I have standards and limits just like everyone else.

A Morning Fantasy

I woke up feeling refreshed. I moaned and stretched reaching my arms above my head and arching my back. The pillow top mattress conformed to me and the fur blanket moved over my naked body.
A grin spread across my face as I reached for my vibrator. I was already wet. I held the toy between my legs and ran my hand over the fur, feeling my body under it. I quietly moaned as I enjoyed the senual feelings. The pressure built and my moans grew louder until I cried out in pleasure. I kept going. One wasn’t near enough. The next two orgasms left me feeling somewhat satisfied, and I was ready for coffee, so I pulled the blanket around me, eased out of bed and stepped into my slippers.
I made my way to the other side of the bedroom and stopped at the dresser where I picked up my phone and began to check my emails. I took a couple steps and sat down on the chaise. Even though there was nothing of importance in my email and I really did need coffee, I took my time enjoying the few extra minutes. When I was done, I put the phone back on the dresser and picked up a key.
I walked to the side of the bed and paused to soak in the view. Up against the wall was the cage where my slave waited inside, on all fours, for me to let it out. I giggled. The pink bunny tail anal plug was very amusing. (It is something slave hates so, naturally, I use it often. I love how it still makes me smile after all this time.)
I put the key in the lock and, before I twisted, I noticed that slave rocked forward a little bit and I assumed it was eager to be let out.
I pulled the key out.
“I just remembered that I need to tell Annie I will be at her party. I should do that right now before I forget.”
Of course I could have waited, but that would not have been as fun.
I walked back over to my phone and took my time typing the message and returning to the cage.
“Lovely morning, isn’t it, slave?” I asked while I started to unlock the door on the cage. “Did you sleep well?”
“No, Mistress. I…”
I interrupted slave with a laugh. “Aww, how sweet, you actually think I care.” I grinned and shook my head. “That’s 15 swats for being selfish. Now, get out and start the coffee, then you may use the bathroom.”
Slave crawled out and kissed my feet, then said, “Thank you, Mistress, for the lovely evening and morning.”
I patted the fur plug and said, “Go. I need coffee.”
I laughed as slave crawled out of the room. That bunny tail was just too perfect.

Clear and Continuous D/s

While I was reading a few articles that B sent me a couple days ago I started reflecting on and comparing my submission and Dominance, and how they clashed with what my husband wanted/expected.

Even though I am now on the left side of the slash, I still want my D/s dynamic to work the same way. The difference is that instead of being the one who does the dishes, I’m the one sitting comfortably on the couch doing whatever it is I want to do, while I relish knowing that someone else is doing the dishes.

And, if I wanted to, I could call them to me, just because I need a foot rest (because, you know, reasons).

And then I could punish them for not finishing the dishes.

*happy sigh* That would be the life.

But I digress…

For my husband, D/s was not ongoing – it had a beginning and an end-, while for me, it was never ending. I didn’t understand it at the time because, to me, that just isn’t how it works. It is not something I can turn off. It actually hurts to be equal, even now.

While some sides of D/s are fantasy, I needed it to feel real, and for it to feel real (to me) it has to be continuous. I didn’t need D/s to be maintained at certain level, I just needed it to be active. In a committed, emotionally involved relationship, I expect a power exchange, all the time.

That would feel real.

I picture a life where D/s is like the wind. Sometimes it barely blows, sometimes it is a gentle breeze, and sometimes it is fierce, but it is always fucking there.

I picture having a toy that I can beat and use until I’m done having my fun. I can picture that toy turning into a servant who cleans, cooks, and pleasures me. I can picture that servant turning into lover who I care for and respect. And I can picture fluctuating between those levels as needed.

But there is always a definite slash and I am always on the left.